


9 1/2 Weeks Epilogue: The Reckoning

by Mariahtessjojasper



Category: 9 1/2 Weeks, Nine and 1/2 Weeks, Nine and Half Weeks movie 1985, Nine and a half weeks
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:15:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 63
Words: 70,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24630664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mariahtessjojasper/pseuds/Mariahtessjojasper
Summary: 146/3/63, 63/151, 63/153
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	1. Prelude

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mickey rourke](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=mickey++rourke).



New York is New York. You can go a year without seeing someone who lives on your floor. Or the floor below you. It is part of its charm. Part of what makes it comfortable. Part of its appeal. But the other side is the possibility. That you will see after years someone unexpectedly. And for years, he thought he would run into her. Around a corner. She would step out of a cab. Come out of a shop. Be in a line ahead of him, behind him. He would see her, open his arms and she would walk back into his arms. Because that is where she belonged. For five years he hoped, waited.

The gallery where she worked closed. Turned itself into a coffee shop.

He bought his building.

He married. Had children.

After she left, when they came to his place for her things, he could have sent the scarf with her things. It was hers. But he kept it. He kept the scarf, her scarf, the shawl. She could have taken it. She left it. He’d folded it carefully. Rearranged things. Gave the shawl its own drawer in his closet. He'd make her ask. He’d make her call him and say, is my shawl there. It wasn’t with my things. He’d keep it. She’d want it. He'd return it to her. In person.

When he sold his penthouse, after he married, he took her shawl into his office. Put it in its own drawer in his desk. Just left it there. That drawer became her drawer. Elizabeth's drawer. An accusation. A promise. A possibility. The shawl still smelled of her perfume. He would lean back in his chair look out the window. Think of her walking through the door. That day he would take out the shawl walk over and wrap it around her. Again. Enfold her in it again. The way he had the first day. The day they went to the houseboat. His houseboat friend decided to move back to France. He bought the houseboat from him. He had to move it when they re-did the piers, re-zoned. Moved it to Island East Boat Basin. It was fine there. A little further out. Still on the Hudson. Still a good view across the Hudson. He liked being there on the houseboat. He made his friend leave everything as it was. Even today, all these years later, It looked almost the same as the day he and Elizabeth went there. He had to change out the pictures, some of them. ~~The friend wouldn't leave them all but he replaced what the friend took so the look stayed the same.~~ He got a new stove, a new fridge, replaced things as they wore-out, became worn. The bed was in the same place, looked the same but it was new. He added a headboard.

There were days when he accepted he would never see her again. The day he put the duck in the river was one of those days. The rubber duck she had stepped on that first day had been there for a long time. ~~It was gone now.~~ He ~~had~~ put it in the river. Let it float away. He watched it float away, like he watched her leave. ~~It floated away.~~ She made him ~~feel~~ sentimental. But he was a realist, she wasn’t coming back. But he could replay in his mind the days she was with him. The places they went. The times he fucked her. The places he fucked her. Made love to her. The clock tower. The stairs it the rain. The afternoon with the honey. His bed. Her in his bed. Waking up to her warm in his arms. After she left the colors were duller, the music was off-key. He went through the motions of his life. He looked for someone to replace her. But he couldn't help making comparisons. He wanted to let it be like a perfect vacation to some beautiful place that was then destroyed by an earthquake or a tsunami. A volcano. Something enjoyed and lost. ~~A place that could never be returned to.~~

Why hadn't he...? Hadn't he what? Told her he loved her sooner. Told her and meant it. Not just the words to get her to do something he wanted her to do. He couldn't, he didn't know himself. He wasn't done with the sex play when she left. He would have changed if she wanted, married her if she wanted, if she had stayed. Waited. He didn't know she was at the end. Didn't know her limit had been reached. A line crossed. He didn't know he had crossed the line. Didn’t see the tipping point approaching. That it was at the end for her. He could have slowed things, stopped. If he'd recognized soon enough she was coming to the end. That she couldn't bear it. That she thought he wouldn't stop, couldn't stop. He had let her think it. He wanted her to think it. Because it was part of the arousal. The excitement. Her fear aroused him. But it wasn't true. He could stop anytime. What she didn't know, was he was always in control. It was always just a game for him. A game he enjoyed. A game that gave him pleasure. But for her he could live without it. Most of it.

From the beginning it was better than he thought it would be with her. From the beginning. From the first smile. From the first afternoon. She resisted. She submitted. She laughed. She played. She responded. She danced for him. He adored her.

He knew she wouldn't come back but the fantasy intruded. It had a life of its own. Year after year. He’d imagine, she would come into his office and he would take the scarf out of his drawer. He would wrap the scarf around her. He would hold her in his arms and say "I warned you". But he would make it sound like “I love you.” And then he'd take her back to the houseboat. And he would change the sheets and he would ask her what she wanted. Anything. He would give her anything she wanted. If she had come back while he was married, after he bought the houseboat, he would put her on the houseboat. His mistress. She could live there. If she wanted an affair, would be satisfied with that, he would stay married till his children were in college. If she wanted marriage, he would divorce. Whatever she wanted, he would give her.

If she had come back, he would start over then. Go slower. Be sure she was okay with each step whatever the steps were. Talk to her, make her tell him. Was she near her limit. He would give up the game if she wanted. He didn't need it if he had her.

Sometimes he'd look at his watch at 12:00. Even now all these years later. Did she still think of him at 12:00? He knew he had hypnotized her with the watch. She wanted to be hypnotized. Wanted to please him. He would think of her thinking about him at 12:00. About him touching her. He didn't mean to hypnotize himself. He should have known. You always have to watch out for the ricochet. ~~Did she keep the watch. Throw it away. Take it to a Good Will, a pawn shop.~~

There were others after her, three, maybe it was four. Before he married. But it was empty ~~then~~. Before her, he enjoyed it. A new playmate. A new plaything. Before her, the women were playthings. He knew that. But they enjoyed what he did. Allowed themselves to be his playthings. Wanted what he did, wanted how he made them feel. Wanted to submit. Wanted to please him.Wanted to allow him to do as he wished. He only kept them til he was bored or until the fantasy had run its course. But the ending was always done carefully. He was always a gentleman at the end. Never had one of them caused a scene. Not once. Carefully extricating himself. She took the fun out of it. She made him want her. ~~Want not sex, not the pleasure of the sex, but her. Sex with her. Everything with her. But after her, with the others, for a long time he was going through the motions. She ruined it.~~

He could have found her. But if she wanted him, she should have come back, could have come back. He had his pride. She knew where he was. He bought the office building on Broadway where he had had only the top two floors. Kept the top floor for his office. After the marriage, after the children, he wouldn't always go home to Connecticut. He stayed overnight there in the office. Then he bought the houseboat, and he would stay there one night a week, sometimes two. Occasionally over a week-end. The family didn't know about the houseboat. He never brought the children. Never brought his wife. In his mind for years the houseboat was there in case she came back. A place for her. Waiting for her. He rented it out when he was in Switzerland. But missed it. Moved back to it when he moved back to the states. After the divorce he bought a place in Connecticut where he could go when he wanted to be on solid land. Liked to go up there. Had his dream kitchen put in.

She was probably back in Kansas. Nebraska. Five kids. At the gallery after she left they said that they thought she went home but no one knew or would tell him where that was. Someplace where sport fanatic uncles have TVs in every room. ~~And die in front of them.~~ Some middle manager husband. But at 12:00 some days, he wondered, did she think of him. Want him. Think of him touching her. Some days. If she heard clock chime at 12:00. Did the spell hold?

Five years after she left, he married. Not for love, but because he decided it was time. He stayed married for 20 years. There was no compelling reason to leave the marriage. His marriage bored him. _He selected his wife the way one might an appliance:features, appearance._ _She bored him._ His children interested him. He was with them the way he was with anyone or anything that genuinely interested him: polite, curious, detached. Mildly amused. He loved them, came to love them. His children and Elizabeth, he loved. There was no reason to divorce and leave. His wife was as disinterested in him as he was in her. But he had selected well. She performed as he hoped as a mother and in the social aspects of her wife role. So he waited _until_ the youngest left for college. He was generous _with the settlement,_ extricated himself completely from his wife. Didn’t care if he ever saw her again. There was no animosity on his part, he was simply done with her, done with her the way someone might be done with an old blender or a toaster, or say an old freezer.

He told the children in his polite way that he and their mother had grown apart. That they were divorcing. His daughter had said “You were always apart.” His daughter had said, “We knew you stayed for us, _Daddy_. It was sweet of you to stay. We appreciated it. I love mom, but she never really interested you, did she? I think I understand. As much as a daughter can. ” He hadn’t answered of course. But he hugged her.

He wondered sometimes what it would have been like to have had a child with Elizabeth, a child conceived in their passion. On the stairs in the rain, on the floor when he had covered her with honey, on his dining table when he forced her. He never used the word rape to himself, because to him she ~~had~~ consented. Generally consented to whatever he wished. He wrapped her in the scarf, the shawl, and whispered "Don’t say I didn’t warn you." He wondered later what it would have been like if Elizabeth had ever said, "Stop, don’t, I’m pregnant." Would she have been afraid? Would he have been angry then, because his sex play would have been interrupted? Or by then would he have known he loved her, would he have incorporated the pregnancy in his desire to take care of her, would he have taken care of her even more solicitously. More attentively. Elizabeth pregnant with his child. Now looking back, the thought warms him, amuses him. Saddens him. A child with Elizabeth. His child.

After the divorce he moved to Switzerland for 5 years. Opened a second office there. _It_ was more of a relief than he expected.

His wife was dark-haired. Not plain. Attractive enough. And he was almost just what she and her family were looking for. He had money. His own company. Not divorced.No kids from another marriage. He lacked the pedigree they would have preferred, but for her family his money was pedigree enough. It was a model wedding. _It appeared to be a model marriage._ Two lovely children. 2 years apart. _He appeared to be the model husband._ Bills paid on time. Bought them all a house in Connecticut. Suitably run down. In a fine neighborhood. Proper vacations. Nothing ostentatious. Good schools. A country club membership, but a club with an egalitarian feel. _The appearance of a model father._ The correct donations. _He treatment of his wife had the appearance of respect, kindness. He was unfailingly courteous, but he had no real interest in her once they married._ She was something he achieved. The children too. Something necessary, like the money he earned. A box he checked. A necessary project completed. Like buying his building. He did it, married, because it was a goal he had set for himself after Elizabeth. He deliberately chose someone he was not in love with. Someone that never stirred him the way Elizabeth had. As if he had to prove to Elizabeth, maybe to himself, he wasn't the monster Elizabeth thought. What had Elizabeth thought? Really thought? He didn't know. She thought he was out of control. Sexually out of control. That he was destructive.

He had even been faithful to his wife when he was in the country. Not when he was out of the country. He was _discreet_. Out of the country, he chose women who looked like Elizabeth, wanted women who looked like her. Wanted to fantasize they were Elizabeth. But looking like her wasn't enough. They didn't have her laugh. Didn't move like she moved. Didn't smell like she smelled. Didn't have her joy. Her delight in things. Her sensuality. Her vulnerability. Her wise-guy comments.

 _He smelled Elizabeth's perfume on a woman_ at a party a year or so after he married. He followed the woman. Complimented her on the scent. Asked her the name of her perfume. She was flattered. She gave him the name. Insisted on writing it down for him. He bought a bottle and then didn't know what to do with it. He thought he might ask his wife to wear it when they had sex. That maybe it would be satisfying to him. Allow him something of Elizabeth. He was careful to perform his husbandly duties. But the idea of his wife wearing Elizabeth's perfume seemed like a desecration of something. So he simply threw away the bottle. He couldn't think of anything to do with it. In the bottle it didn't smell quite the way it had on Elizabeth. Or on the woman at the party.

After he left the marriage, while he was in Switzerland, he indulged himself. Played some of the old games. Some of the old pleasure returned, he dated a little, not dated really, but he would pick-out a woman, pick-up a woman, use his charm, let his pleasure, his desire, run its course. But he knew people also who would arrange whatever he wanted. Procure for him. In Switzerland he didn't think about her much. Didn't long for her. Not the way he had at the beginning. So many years had passed.

After four years in Switzerland, the company was doing well. He brought in a manager. Stayed another year. Sailed some on Lake Geneva. Had a woman for a while, a plaything. She resisted enough, submitted nicely, but she never laughed. She was not joyful. No sarcasm. He ended it after 4 months. She had begun to bore him. He ended it carefully. Gently as he always did. A feigned reluctance. When he was sure his company there was being well run, he left Switzerland and went back to New York. Moved to the houseboat.

In New York, after Switzerland, he began to retire. He put people in place to run things. Just kept an eye on them. He would go into the office once a week. Sometimes twice. Wanted to be visible. It was his company. He didn't want any confusion. He had always kept a secretary, his office in the building on Broadway. Even when he was in Switzerland. He would fly back and forth. He still had Elizabeth's scarf in its own drawer in his office. He thought now when he opened the drawer, it was time to give it away.


	2. Friday September 13: A Note With Ferris Wheel Drawing

Then it happened.

He went in to the office. He was wearing a dark suit, white cotton shirt with cuffs, gold cufflinks, silk tie, pale blue. Black Italian loafers. Black silk socks. His hair short, neatly trimmed. The same haircut he had when he met her. Some gray now. As he walked past his secretary's door, she called out.  
Secretary: Mr. Gray. Mr. Gray. A woman was here. She left you a note. She said she thought you had her shawl.  
John: Where is the note?  
The secretary brings a white square envelope to him. Fine parchment paper. On the front of the envelope is his name and a drawing of a Ferris wheel with a woman wearing a floppy hat sitting in a car at the very top, holding tightly onto the safety bar with one hand, in her other hand ten balloons. The drawing is signed "E. M."  
 ~~John: When was this left?~~  
 ~~Secretary: This morning, sir. An hour ago. I knew you would be in.~~  
 ~~John: Thank you very much.~~  
He goes in his office. Sits down in his chair. Holds the note. He doesn't open it. Puts it in the center of his desk, straightens it so it is perfectly centered and parallel to the edge of the desk. He gets up, goes to the window and stands looking out. Returns to the desk. Sits back down. Takes out a letter opener. He then carefully slits open the envelope. Takes out the note inside. A folded piece of paper. Opens it. A handwritten note. No salutation. No signature. "I’m in town for two weeks. Call this number, if you want to see me. I probably won't answer. Leave a day and a time. I'll meet you at the Mulberry Bar."

He puts the note down on the desk. Stands again. Walks to the window again. He takes out his phone. Walks over to the desk. Picks up the card, dials the number on the card.  
John: I'll be at the Mulberry Bar at noon. 12:00. Today.  
He hangs up.  
He opens the drawer with her scarf. Calls his secretary.  
John: I need a bag to put a scarf in. Do you have a bag anywhere?  
 ~~Secretary: Of course Mr. Gray. Give me a moment.~~  
She brings in a cream color paper bag with cream handles.  
 ~~Secretary: I save bags for just this sort of unexpected need. Do you need some tissue paper also?~~  
 ~~John: No thank you.~~  
He puts the scarf in the bag.

*

He enters the Mulberry Bar carrying the bag. Looks around, doesn't see her. What will she look like? Gray hair. Stooped over? Arthritis, a cane. Orthopedic shoes. Thick glasses? Will he even recognize her? He thinks, I look the same. Older, some gray, but not shrunken, look younger than my age. it is obvious to him women found him attractive. He thinks of the long scar on his leg from the accident. Will the scar bother her if they got that far?

There are people sitting at the table where they sat that first day all those years ago. They are finishing-up. He goes to the host asks if he might have that table when it is free. He offers the host a $50 bill. The host refuses the money.  
 ~~Host: No need for that for you here Mr. Gray. My pleasure to have you here.~~  
 ~~John: I'll add it to the tip then.~~  
 ~~Host: Should only be a few minutes. Can I bring you a glass of wine while you wait.~~  
 ~~John: No, I'll wait til I'm seated.~~  
John is shown to the table. He takes the same seat he had when they were there all those years ago. He puts the bag by the table. He orders a bottle of wine, California, a pinot noir. Bread and oil are brought to the table. Olives.  
The wine is brought. He tastes. He knows it will be fine; it's from California. But nods approvingly. The waiter smiles. Pours his glass full.  
John: I'm expecting a lady, could you bring a second glass please.  
Waiter: Of course sir.  
John takes another drink of wine. Looks up and she is standing across the room. She is beautiful. The most beautiful woman in the room. He stands. Waves. She waves back. Walks to him. He stands, moves to the other side of the table, pulls out the chair for her.  
John: I've been waiting for you.  
Elizabeth: All this time?  
John: All this time.  
He re-seats himself across from her.  
Elizabeth: Did you make the meeting time 12:00 on purpose?  
John smiles his soft slightly amused smile:  
Elizabeth: You did.  
John: Does that time have a special meaning for you?  
Elizabeth laughs: Sometimes. Once in awhile.  
The waiter brings the wine glass. Pours for her. She sips the wine.  
Elizabeth: It's good.  
The waiter asks if they need time or would they like to order now.  
John: May I order for you?  
Elizabeth: Yes. All right.  
She looks down. Still a little shyness in her.  
John orders the penne al tartufo for her. The linguine al frutti di mare for himself. A Ceasar salad to share.  
Elizabeth: This is where we first had lunch.  
John: You chose to meet here.  
Elizabeth: I wondered if it would still be here.  
 ~~John: You are ageless. Still beautiful. Still the most beautiful woman in the room.~~  
She looks down. Shy. Touches her hair.  
 ~~John: After you left, I called the gallery. They said you had gone. Didn’t know or wouldn’t tell me where you had gone.~~ Over the years, I thought of hiring someone to find you.  
Elizabeth: Why didn't you?  
John: You left. The day you left, I tried to tell you what I felt. That I loved you. Tried to begin to tell you who I was. Tell you about myself. Open up to you. You remember what you said?  
Elizabeth: I remember.  
John: You said, "It's too late." You wouldn't listen. You wouldn't give me a chance. "It's too late." You said, "It's too late." You knew where to find me. You could have come back. Said, I'll give you a chance. You said I love you to me so many times.  
Elizabeth: I did love you. Loved you so much. Haven’t ever loved anyone that way. But you never said it. Never really said it. You said it as a manipulation. You said it that day with the prostitute. You said it as a manipulation. Not as a way to show a feeling. Never did.  
John: I did love you. I had come to love you.  
The waiter brings the food. Pours more wine ~~for them~~.  
Elizabeth: What did you do after I left?  
John: I waited. For five years I waited for you to come back. Then I married. Had two children. A house in Connecticut. Divorced when my youngest entered college. Moved to Switzerland for 5 years. Came back here. Semi-retired. Kept the office on Broadway. Bought the building. I always hoped you would come there. Say you were sorry for leaving me.  
Elizabeth: If you were going to marry someone, why didn't you marry me?  
John: How could I marry you? You left me after 67 days. You never gave me a chance to marry you. I would have married you. I would have done anything for you, done anything you wanted.  
Elizabeth: We were out of control. You were out of control. I was frightened. You wanted to scare me, then make it all right. You did it over and over. Like the Ferris wheel. Leaving me sitting at the top.  
John: I was never out of control. You were safe there. Up there on the wheel. You just felt afraid. You weren’t in any danger.  
Elizabeth: You made me feel uncomfortable over and over. From the first day in the houseboat, you made me feel afraid. On purpose. You changed the sheets, then talked about how vulnerable I was out there, no one to hear me if I cried out. Then you said you were kidding.  
John: Shhh. Shhh. When you said you wanted to go home, didn’t I take you home? I did.  
Elizabeth: You did. And you weren’t mad. You looked slightly amused. You were gentle. Respectful. Accepting that I wanted to leave. Even though you had changed the sheets. You didn't argue. You just said okay. And you sent roses the next day.  
John: I was always in control. I could have stopped. I didn't know you didn't understand that. I thought you wanted to be at the edge. To be pushed. To be uncomfortable. That it excited you. I thought you knew it was a game I was playing.  
Elizabeth: I didn't know how far you would go. You seemed out of control.  
John: I would have slowed things, changed things. I could have stopped. I could have if I'd known you needed that, wanted that.  
Elizabeth angry: No, you wouldn't. Wouldn't have slowed things. Stopped. You wanted me to be uncomfortable, frightened. It excited you.  
John: It excited you too.  
Elizabeth: I didn't come here to argue.  
John: Why did you come here?  
Elizabeth: I came for my shawl.  
John: For your scarf. You came here for your scarf. All these years. How did you know I would have it. Still.  
Elizabeth: Do you have it?  
John: I have it.  
Elizabeth: I thought you would.  
John slightly mocking: You thought I would.  
John: Where have you been? What have you been doing?  
Elizabeth: I went back to Philadelphia, I went home. I got a Masters degree in Art. Taught art and art history there at a city college. Married. I have a son. He is an architect. Working in China right now.  
John: Still married? Divorced? Widowed?  
Elizabeth: Divorced. Long time. Do you want to know why I am really here?  
John shakes his head. A barely whispered "no." Gives his half smile. Reaches across the table, puts his hand out palm up. She puts her hand in his. He closes his hand over hers.  
They eat slowly. He butters a small bite of bread. Offers it to her. She opens her mouth. He feeds her the bread. She laughs. Shakes her head. He picks up an olive, puts it in her mouth.  
Elizabeth: No cough syrup. No chilies.  
John: No cough syrup, no peppers. Maybe honey?  
Elizabeth: It was 2 months. Only that. Do you remember much?  
He offers her a small forkful of his linguine. She opens her mouth. He puts the linguine in her mouth. She closes her lips over his fork. He slides the fork out of her mouth.  
John: Most of it.  
The waiter comes to the table asks how their food is. John smiles nods. The waiter pours more wine for them.  
John offers her a sip of wine from his glass. She takes it. She picks up her napkin holds it under her chin.  
Elizabeth puts penne on her fork. Offers it to him. He opens his mouth. She puts the penne in his mouth. He closes his lips over the fork. She withdraws it . Offers him a sip of wine from her glass. He closes his hand over hers and sips the wine from her glass.  
Elizabeth: That was a test.  
John: I know it was.  
John: I am sitting here thinking how much I would like to touch you.  
Elizabeth slips off her shoe, touches his foot with hers. Slides her foot up inside his pant leg. He reaches down under the table, takes her foot in his hand. Rubs his thumb across her toes.  
John: Beautiful toes.  
She moves her foot up until it is resting between his legs.  
John puts his hand over her foot.  
Elizabeth: If you were ready to marry someone, why didn't you let me know that? It might have made a difference.  
John: I wasn't ready to marry when I was with you. I would have done anything though to keep you. I married to prove you were wrong about me. I married to make a point. I waited five years for you to come back. Then I found someone who was good enough.  
Elizabeth: Was she beautiful?  
John: No she was not. She was attractive. Still is attractive. I picked a wife like someone would select a new refrigerator, features, adequate appearance.  
Elizabeth: That's horrible. Like picking out a kitchen appliance.  
John: It is not horrible at all. Most marriages around the world are like that.  
Elizabeth: Did she know that?  
John: I don't know what she knew. I think she picked me for similar reasons.  
Elizabeth: What reasons?  
John: I was successful. Own company. Money was her main criterion I think. Acceptable to her social circle, her family. Money again. She wanted kids. Didn't want to work. Wanted someone who would let her be a stay at home mom. Volunteer, take watercolor classes. She wasn't interested in sex much. Or me either really ~~I don't think.~~  
Elizabeth: What if I had come back after you married?  
John: I thought about that. I would have done whatever you wanted. If you wanted to be my lover, I would have bought you a penthouse, a houseboat, a farm, anything. Paid for everything. Stayed with you as much as I could. If you wanted me to divorce and marry you I would have. I would have done whatever you wanted.  
Elizabeth: Were you a faithful husband?  
John: In my way.  
Elizabeth: What does that mean?  
John: Here in the States, I was faithful. There were times when I was in Europe, I would arrange to have someone. I looked for women who looked like you.  
Elizabeth: But you would have been unfaithful to her with me? You would have taken me as like a mistress.  
John: Yes.  
Elizabeth: Was it satisfying? The women in Europe.  
John: No it was not. It was unsatisfying. They were not satisfying.  
Elizabeth: Why?  
John: Because what I wanted was you. Your smell, your laugh. Your skin. Your joyfulness. Your playfulness. Your sarcasm. The way you would resist me. The way you would submit to me. I wanted you.  
Elizabeth: Why didn't you just come after me?  
John: Pride. Stubbornness. You knew how I felt, saw how I felt at the end before you walked out, should have known how I felt. How could you not know. You should have to come back to me. Say you were sorry you left. Say you knew I loved you. You should have given me a chance.  
Elizabeth: Since you divorced have there been many women?  
John: Some.  
Elizabeth: Are you with someone now?  
John: No.  
The waiter comes. Pours the last of the wine. Offers dessert.  
They both decline.  
John: Are you with someone?  
Elizabeth: No.  
John: Would you let me take you to the Houseboat.  
Elizabeth: Why would you want to do that? You must have your pick of women. Don’t you want someone young and beautiful?  
John: I want you. And you are beautiful. And young enough.  
The waiter leaves returns with the check. John pays. Adds the $50 to the tip.  
The waiter comes back.  
Picks up the check and the money.  
Waiter: Thank you very much Mr. Gray. Always a pleasure to serve you. Always good to have you here.  
John picks up the bag. They walk out. He puts his arm around her. She leans into him. He moves away, moves in front of her, stands in front of her. Takes the shawl out of the bag. Tosses the bag into a trash can. Unfolds the scarf.  
John: I have been waiting to give this back to you.  
Elizabeth:That is most beautiful shawl I ever had.  
He walks behind her, wraps the shawl around her. Stays behind her. Enfolds her in the scarf, enfolds her in his arms. Lightly kisses her neck.

*

They walk down the wharf. There is a staircase now. They climb the steps. John opens the door, holds the door open for her. She ducks under his arm, walks in.  
John goes to the cupboard, gets out two glasses, plates, napkins. From a wine fridge takes out an ice cold bottle of ice wine. From a box on the counter a baklava. He puts everything on the table.  
Elizabeth: It looks the same.  
John takes the ends of the scarf and pulls her to him. Brushes her hair back.  
John: May I kiss you?  
Elizabeth: Does a blindfold come next?  
John: Only if that is something you want.  
Elizabeth: No blindfold.  
John kisses her. Slow kiss, gentle kiss. Takes off his jacket.  
Elizabeth touches his cuff links. You didn't wear cuff links that much before.  
John: No. I do now.  
Elizabeth: Why?  
John: Businessmen in Europe wear French cuffs. Got used to the look when I was in Switzerland. Started wearing them there most of the time. Still wearing them. Need cuff links for them.  
Elizabeth: What are these? They’re pretty.  
John: Gold and lapis lasuli.  
Elizabeth: Cufflinks. And French cuffs. They suit you.  
Elizabeth runs her hands down the front of his shirt.  
Elizabeth: Egyptian cotton?  
John: Cotton. Not sure its country of origin. ~~Yes.~~  
Elizabeth: Take it off.  
John laughs.  
John: All right.  
He takes the shirt off, hangs it over the back of the chair.  
Elizabeth: Take off your pants.  
John: All right.  
He takes off his shoes, socks, then his pants. Leaves on his shorts. Walks over to the closet. Puts the shoes on the floor. Socks in a hamper. Hangs up the pants. Sits down on the edge of the bed.  
John: Take off your coat.  
She takes off her coat. Puts it over the back of one of the chairs. Goes back stands in front of him. He pulls her into his lap. Reaches down and takes off her shoes. Caresses her feet. Slides his hands up her legs. Under her skirt.  
Elizabeth: Not yet. Wait.  
He turns her head toward him. Kisses her lips. He pushes her down so they are both lying on the bed.  
John: Would you let me undress you?  
Elizabeth:What if I say no?  
John: Are you saying no?  
Elizabeth: No.  
John: No you are not saying no? Or yes you are saying no.  
Elizabeth: Go slow.  
John: I will go slow. I promise. I will take my time. But I want you to undress.  
Elizabeth: I want you kiss me.  
John kisses her. She pulls back a little. Rubs his chest. His shoulders.  
John: Elizabeth, I am not going to ask you to do anything today that makes you uncomfortable.  
She gets up off the bed.  
John: Lie down here. Let me touch you.  
Elizabeth: What if I say no.  
John: What are you playing at, Elizabeth? In the restaurant you have your shoes off, You are rubbing my leg, putting your foot in between my legs.  
Elizabeth: You lie down on your back. Lie still. I want to touch you.  
John rolls onto his back. Puts his hands under his head. Smiles.  
Elizabeth looks at his legs. Sees a long scar on his right leg.  
Elizabeth: What is this? This scar? Where did you get this?  
John: I was in an accident. That leg was smashed-up. It had to be reconstructed. They did a good job. It doesn't hurt. They thought I'd walk with a limp but I don't. I was in the hospital for three months. It was a long time ago. Does it bother you?  
Elizabeth: No. I'm sorry you were hurt.  
Elizabeth kisses his leg, kisses him along the scar.  
Elizabeth pulls his shorts off. Gets on her knees next to him. Kisses his lips. Slides her hands down his chest. Over his waist. Touches him between his legs.  
Elizabeth: I want to be in control. I want to know if you will let me be in control. If you can bear to let me be in control.  
John: If I allow you to be in control, isn't it the case that I am still in control?  
Elizabeth: Lie still. Don't move unless I say you can.  
She takes him in her mouth.  
John inhales. Reaches down, puts his hands in her hair.  
John: Um. Wait.  
Elizabeth stops. His hands still in her hair. She takes his hands in hers. Pushes his hands down at his sides. Gets on top of him. Kisses his lips. Keeps holding his hands down.  
John: Let me touch you. Let go of my hands.  
Elizabeth: No.  
John: I want to be on top of you.  
Elizabeth: No.  
She takes his hands, puts them above his head. Holds his hands above his head. Lies down full length on him. Kisses him. Licks his lips with her tongue. Darts her tongue in and out of his mouth. He tries to catch her tongue with his teeth. Tries to close his lips around her tongue. Tries to suck her tongue into his mouth. He starts to roll over on her.  
Elizabeth: Stay still.  
John: What if I don’t?  
Elizabeth: I’ll leave.  
John: I could roll over on you and hold you down and stop you from leaving. I’m stronger than you are.  
Elizabeth: Would you risk it?  
John: Not unless I was sure that’s what you wanted.  
Elizabeth gets off him. Stands up. Walks over to the table. Takes off her dress. She is wearing a white silk slip. Nothing under it. Holds up the bottle.  
Elizabeth: What is this?  
John: Ice Wine  
Elizabeth: I’ve never heard of ice wine.  
John: It is made from grapes that have frozen on the vine. Concentrates the sweetness. Only made in a few places. Germany, Canada. You’ll like it. Shall I pour some for you.  
Elizabeth: No stay on the bed.  
She pours a glass of the Ice Wine. Sips it.  
Elizabeth: It’s good.  
Another sip. Drinks most of the glass. Refills the glass. She walks back over to the bed.  
Elizabeth: Sit up.  
John laughs. Sits up. She crawls onto the bed. Holding the glass carefully.  
John: Don’t spill it. It will make a wet spot.  
Elizabeth: I won’t spill it.  
She lifts the glass to his lips. He sips it. Puts his hands around her hand holding the glass. Tilts the glass, sips again. Takes his hands away from the glass, pulls down one side of her slip, exposing her breast. Kisses her breast.  
John: Put the wine down.  
Elizabeth: No.  
She pulls back, pulls the slip back up covering her breast. Moves back a little from him. Sips the wine again.  
John: So you have me naked on this bed. You won’t let me touch you. You won’t undress. Do you know what you want?  
Elizabeth: I want you to be aroused. I want you to be unsatisfied.  
John: You want to torment me.  
Elizabeth: Yes. You tormented me.  
John: I satisfied you, I always satisfied you! I made you wait sometimes longer than you wanted to.  
Elizabeth: I want to find out if you will let me torment you. I know you could force me. But you won’t risk it. You know I could leave  
John: What do I have to do to make you stay.  
Elizabeth: Can I blindfold you?  
John laughs: Why?  
Elizabeth: Because I want to.  
John: Okay. Will it give you pleasure to blindfold me?  
Elizabeth: Do you have Levis?  
John: Yes.  
Elizabeth: Are they tight?  
John: Tight? How tight?  
Elizabeth: They have to be tight.  
John laughs: You want me to put on tight Levis for you. You want to blindfold me while I am wearing tight Levis.  
Elizabeth: Yes I want that.  
John: Now?  
Elizabeth: Yes now.  
John gets up. Goes to the closet. Takes down from a shelf clean neatly folded Levis. The kind with a button, not zip, fly. Steps into them. Pulls them up.  
John: Shall I button them or do you want them undone.  
Elizabeth: Buttoned.  
He buttons them.  
John: Tight enough?  
Elizabeth: They'll do.  
Elizabeth gets up goes to the table, refills the glass with the ice wine. Takes a long drink. Refills her glass again. Full. Walks over to him, puts it to his lips. He takes a drink.  
John: Did you plan this?  
Elizabeth: Not really. Do you have a blindfold?  
John: I have ties.  
Elizabeth: Where is the tie you had on today? Get it.  
He gets it.  
Elizabeth drinks more Ice Wine. Refills her glass again.  
Elizabeth: Do you have any more bottles of this?  
John: A whole cellar full.  
Elizabeth: Houseboats don’t have cellars.  
She giggles.  
John: I have more. I’ll open another bottle.  
He goes to the wine fridge and takes out a second cold bottle of Ice Wine. Puts it on the table. Opens it.  
Elizabeth: I like to watch you walk. Move. You move but you seem still inside. Like all your thoughts are contained, concealed, under control. You were always quiet. Except you laughed. Or when you were being charming.  
She hiccups. Pours the last of the first bottle of Ice Wine into her glass. Pours a little from the second bottle. Takes another drink of the Ice Wine. Breaks off a piece of the Baklava.  
Elizabeth: Come here.  
John laughs. Walks over to her.  
Elizabeth: Open your mouth.  
He opens his mouth, she puts the baklava in his mouth. She kisses him. She kneels down in front of him, runs her hands over the front of the Levis. Unbuttons them. Slides her hand inside the Levis. Touches him.  
John inhales.  
John: That feels good.  
She withdraws her hand.  
John: Don't stop.

She stands up, puts her arms around his waist, slides her hands down inside his waistband in back, pulls him toward her.  
John: That’s enough of this.  
He picks her up. Carries her over to the bed. Puts her down. Gets on the bed next to her. Pulls the straps of her slip down exposing her breasts. Kisses her breasts. Gets on top of her. Kisses her. Puts his hand in her hair, pulls her head back.  
Elizabeth: I’m going to leave if you don’t stop. Now.  
John moves away from her. Stands up. Buttons the Levis. Steps away from the bed.  
John: So leave.  
She gets up. Gets off the bed. Pulls the slip straps up.  
Elizabeth: I’ll just have a little more of this wine before I go. It is so good.  
Pours more from the second bottle.  
Elizabeth: I feel a little unsteady.  
Puts her hand on the table to steady herself.  
Elizabeth: Are you getting me drunk?  
John: You are getting yourself drunk.  
Elizabeth: You are getting me too drunk to leave.  
John: That was my plan.  
Elizabeth: Where is your shirt?  
John: What shirt?  
Elizabeth: The shirt you had on.  
John: On the chair.  
Elizabeth walks to the chair. Takes off her slip, puts his shirt on. The cuff links are still in it. Fastened to one side of the cuff. She takes them out. Walks to him. Hands the cuff links to him.  
Elizabeth: Put these away.  
He takes the cuff links. Puts them in a box in the closet. She is buttoning the shirt.  
John: Don’t button it. He pushes the sides of the front apart. Kisses her breasts. Takes first one nipple gently between his teeth, then the other.  
Elizabeth: How do I roll these sleeves up?  
The shirt sleeves with the French cuffs hang down below her hands. she pushes them up, but they fall back down.  
John: Are we going to play dress up all afternoon or were you thinking of having sex at some point?  
Elizabeth: I want you to crawl.  
John: Crawl? Why?  
Elizabeth: You made me crawl. Why did you make me crawl?  
John: Because I liked to look at your body when you were on your hands and knees. Elizabeth you have no idea how beautiful you looked on your hands and knees. It was a different way of seeing your body. I liked watching you move when you crawled. It made me feel you were submitting to me. It aroused me. I wanted to enter you from the back. It was an intense arousal. When you were on your hands and knees, when you crawled it was a different kind of sexual excitement. Something more primitive.  
Elizabeth: There’s your answer.  
John: I don’t think me on my hands and knees is the same as you on your knees. I’m getting tired of talking.  
Elizabeth takes another drink of the wine. Finishes the glass, pours more.  
Elizabeth: Crawl.  
John: Aren’t you going to put money on the floor.  
Elizabeth: I don’t really have any extra money. I spent a lot coming here and I am saving for a trip to China.  
John: Sit down on the edge of the bed.  
Elizabeth drinks the rest of the wine in the glass, pours more. Picks up the bottle carries it over to the bed. Puts it on the floor by the bed. Sits down on the edge of the bed. Sips more wine.  
John gets down on the floor. Crawls to her. Pushes her legs apart. Pulls the shirt fronts aside buries his face in her lap. She puts her hand in his hair. Leans back arches her back. Soft moan. He pulls back. Stands up. Leans over her, kisses her breasts, kisses her lips. Picks up the bottle of ice wine from the floor, picks up her glass. Pours more wine into her glass hands it back to her. Takes the bottle, puts it back on the table.  
She takes a long drink from her glass.  
Elizabeth: Don’t take the wine away. I like it.  
John: It isn’t far. I don’t want you to spill it.  
He walks over to the bed. Stands over her.  
John: Are we going to have sex or are you planning to tease me all afternoon?  
Elizabeth: I don’t have a plan. I’m going to leave if you force me.  
John: If I force you to do what?  
Elizabeth: If you force me to do anything.  
John: I never forced you to do anything. You consented to everything I did, we did. And you are too drunk to leave now anyway.  
Elizabeth hiccups.  
Elizabeth: I am? I’m too drunk to leave?  
John: You are sweetheart. I wouldn't let you leave anyway.  
Elizabeth hiccups again.  
Elizabeth: You made a mistake when you let me leave before.  
John: I didn’t know how to stop you from leaving. You seemed decided. Anything I could think of to do, I thought would make it worse. I thought you would come back. I waited.  
Elizabeth curls up on the bed in the shirt. Puts her head on the pillow.  
Elizabeth: I’m a little tired. I think I might just rest for a few minutes. She closes her eyes. She relaxes into sleep and begins snoring softly.  
John: You are drunk and you just passed out.  
Elizabeth opens her eyes sleepily. Looks up at him, closes her eyes, goes back to sleep.  
John gets a light blanket from the armoire, covers her. He unbuttons the jeans, slips them off, lies down beside her. She turns toward him. He slides one arm under her, pulls her to him. She puts her head on his chest. Sleepily tilts her face up, he kisses her, laughs softly.  
John whispers: What am I going to do with you?


	3. Saturday September 14:  Any Kind of Balance You Want

They are lying together in bed. The curtains are blowing softly. It is early morning. Beginning grey daylight. That early time before sun-up.  
Elizabeth: What time is it?  
John: What happened to your watch?  
Elizabeth: I decided not to wear it after you said to meet at 12:00. You did that on purpose.  
John: You kept it.  
Elizabeth:I kept it.  
John kisses her.  
Elizabeth: What time is it?  
John: About five.  
Elizabeth: In the morning? I stayed here all night?  
John: You stayed here all night.  
Elizabeth lifts up the covers. Looks under them.  
Elizabeth: What am I wearing?  
John: Just my shirt.  
Elizabeth: What are you wearing?  
John: Not wearing anything.  
Elizabeth: Did we uh you know?  
John: No you passed out.  
Elizabeth: I passed out? I liked that wine.  
John: You did like that wine. You drank almost two bottles of it.  
Elizabeth: I'm starving.  
John: You didn't have any dinner. You ate last at lunch yesterday. No headache.  
Elizabeth: No.  
Elizabeth: If I were ever to come back to you...  
John: If you were to come back to me? I thought you had come back to me. What was yesterday?  
Elizabeth: It's all these years later. We are different. I would need to know how it would be.  
John: What do you mean how it would be? How do you want it to be?  
Elizabeth: Do you still need a love slave, a plaything?  
John: A love slave? Is that what you think you were? It will be any way you want it to be.  
Elizabeth: Before, when it started, you asked to blindfold me and you threatened to leave if I said no. Well, you said I could ask you to leave. I didn't want you to leave.  
John: I wanted ~~to motivate~~ you to allow me to blindfold you. The blindfold intensifies the other senses. Reduces inhibitions. I knew it would increase your sexual arousal. Wasn't that time good for you?  
Elizabeth: You know it was. But the ice. Melting the ice on me.  
John: Are you saying no more ice? No more blindfolds?  
Elizabeth: I don't know what I am saying.  
John: What are you doing here?  
Elizabeth: I wanted to see you again. There are things I want to talk about. From then. I kept a journal.  
John: You kept a journal? What things?  
Elizabeth: Things you did. Things you said. Things I did. Said.  
John: Why? Can't we just be together now and let things go where they go.  
Elizabeth: You are willing to start over? Not put a lot of conditions. Not if I won't let you blindfold me you will leave. Throw me out. No belts. No handcuffs.  
John: Together. Starting over. Tabula Rosa.  
Elizabeth: Tabula Rosa?  
John: Move in here. Be with me. Sleep in my bed. We can do things your way.  
Elizabeth: But maybe if we do it my way, you'll want to leave. Or you’ll send me away. Maybe you'll be bored. Maybe you would have tired of me if I had stayed another day. Another week. If I had ever said no to you.  
John: You said no to me plenty of times.  
Elizabeth: And you ignored me when I said no. Or you hit me or you raped me.  
He looks at the floor.  
John: I never raped you. You consented to everything.  
Elizabeth: The time I went thru your things, you raped me. I didn’t consent. Not then. Sometimes I gave you mixed messages. I was afraid to lose you and sometimes what you did aroused me. But you pushed it too far. The prostitute, it was too much.  
John: Shhh. Shhh. Not yet. We'll talk about that if you need to. Not yet. Please. I won't do that. I won't do anything that will make you uncomfortable.  
Pulls her to him. Kisses her.  
John: Shhhh Shhh. I went too far. I'll do whatever you want. Just give me another chance.  
Elizabeth: Where are my clothes?  
John: I hung them up after you fell asleep. Your clothes are in the closet.  
Elizabeth: Are you going to want to dress me, feed me, take care of me?  
John: I want to take care of you. I don't have to do anything you don't want me to do.  
Elizabeth: Yesterday you let me feed you. You sipped wine from my glass. Could you let things be more balanced.  
John: We can have any kind of balance you want. Anything you want.  
Elizabeth: Do you still like to cook?  
John: Yes.  
Elizabeth: Could we cook together. Shop together. Would you still want me if I wanted to cook for you. Feed you.  
John: We can shop together. Cook together. You can feed me. Elizabeth, I will try anything you want.  
Elizabeth: It might not work.  
John: You came here to give us a chance.  
Elizabeth: Maybe I did. I don’t know why I came. Not really. I have questions.  
She gets up.  
Elizabeth: Can I take a shower. I don't have clothes to change into.  
John: Of course you can take a shower. Okay if I make you breakfast? Do you want tea. You used to drink tea. Coffee?  
Elizabeth: I drink coffee now. I'd like coffee. A little milk, a little sugar in it. You can make breakfast, but you can't feed me.  
John: What about a few bites?  
Elizabeth: A few bites. You are already pushing me. Pushing it.  
John: No feeding. Okay.

*

John and Elizabeth sit side by side out on the deck that surrounds the house boat. Their legs dangling off the deck. They watch the Hudson river water flow slowly by below them. The City sits partially in a mist across the river. Each has coffee.  
Elizabeth has on a pair of John's sweats and one of his t-shirts. Her hair is wet from the shower.  
John: You don't have to tell me anything. I will accept your being here. I don't care if you are a murderess on the run, an international terrorist or a bank robber. You are welcome here. I can take care of you. I want to take care of you. I will buy you clothes. Give you money, buy you a car, anything you want. Anything you need. Feed you. Just sleep in my bed.  
Elizabeth: Bathe me, dress me? No. No you will not feed me. Dress me. Bathe me. At least not routinely. I want things to be different.Maybe you won't want me to stay if things are different.  
John: I want you to stay.  
Elizabeth: I don't want to be your plaything again.  
John: You were more than a plaything.  
Elizabeth: I don't want to be raped. I don't want to be beaten. If you get angry, I don't want you to unbuckle your belt and threaten me. I don't want to be terrorized by you. If you only want me back to rape me and beat me, and terrorize me, I'm not coming back. Or if I come back and you do those things, I'll leave.  
John: I didn't rape you, sometimes I was rough. Sometimes I hit you. But it excited you. Lots of women like it. After, when I held you in my arms, you seemed okay with whatever I had done you seemed content, loving. You had consented. You had given me permission.  
Elizabeth: So here it is. I retired from my teaching job. I sold my house. Put my things in storage. I booked a flight here one way. I booked a room at The Tribeca Hotel for two weeks. I planned to sight-see and see anyone I could from the gallery. I can't see Molly, she died a few years ago. But Thea and Carol. I thought Bruce. He and Molly married. I plan to see Thea. I planned to try to make contact with you. I wanted to see how it felt to see you. How it felt to be near you. And then I plan to go to China.  
John: How does it feel with me?  
Elizabeth: It feels the same as it felt at the beginning. It feels intoxicating. And frightening. But I remember how it was at the end too. How painful it was. And how you hurt me sometimes. And I want to talk about that.  
John: Maybe we don’t need to.  
Elizabeth: I do. I need to talk about it.  
John: What about your things at the hotel. Will you come here and stay now. Bring your things here. To the boat. You don't have to move in, you could just stay here. Like a visitor. A guest. I can send someone.  
Elizabeth: No. I am not bringing my things here. I don't want to be afraid you will hit me or rape me. Or handcuff me. Or use a whip. If you hurt me, threaten me, terrorize me, I will leave. You will never hear from me again.  
John: I won't. I won't threaten you. I can be loving. You know that. If you want something rougher you will have to ask for it.  
Elizabeth: Were you going to say beg for it?  
John: Of course not.  
Elizabeth:No?  
John: Well maybe I thought that.  
John: Will you let me pay for your room?  
Elizabeth: No. I can pay for my own room.  
John: I could move you to a suite.  
Elizabeth. No.  
John: So we have to talk. Okay. You stayed last night. You slept in my bed. You stayed over last night.  
Elizabeth: I fell asleep in your bed. You got me drunk  
John: I did not get you drunk. You got yourself drunk and passed out in my bed.  
Elizabeth: That wasn't my intention.  
John: It looked like your intention. You have a list?  
Elizabeth: I have a journal.  
John: Okay. Do you want to talk tonight. This afternoon. How do you want to do this?  
Elizabeth: I have questions I want to ask. I want answers from you. There are things I have thought about over the years. Things I don't understand. Things I want to understand. I want you to give me honest answers. Will you do that for me?  
John laughs: You are teasing me. That is what I used to say to you. That is how I got you to agree to things I wanted you to do. I would say, "Will you do that for me?"  
Elizabeth: You did. It was a seduction. And at first it was the blindfold. And then other things.  
John: It was a way of getting your consent. Ask me again.  
Elizabeth: The questions. Will you answer them for me? Will you do that for me.  
John: Yes.  
Elizabeth: Okay. Good.  
John: Let me cook for you tonight.  
Elisabeth: But no feeding me. No handcuffing me, no tying me up.  
John: No no. I won't do that. I won't do any of that.  
Elizabeth: If you only want me back so you can tie me up, you are going to be disappointed.  
John: I won't tie you up. I don't need that. I enjoy it. I did enjoy it. It is exciting to me. But I want you here. I don't have to cook. I can if you want. Do you want to eat here, maybe cook together or do you want to go out tonight. We could have something delivered.  
Elizabeth: I am going to get dressed.  
John laughs: Can I help?

*

They are sitting at the small table in Elizabeth's room at The Tribeca.  
John: Look if I am going to spend time with you here, let me move you to a suite. They have nice ones here. Please let me do this. I will be more comfortable if we have more space.  
Elizabeth: No. I can't afford to pay for a suite and I don't want you to pay for it.  
John: I don't want to argue with you.  
Elizabeth: What did you say?  
John: That is what I used to say, isn't it?  
Elizabeth: Yes. That and "I don't want to negotiate with you." You would say, "Elizabeth I don't want to argue with you" and you would unbuckle your belt. And take it off and snap it in the air like some lion tamer in a ring.  
John: My beautiful lion.  
Elizabeth: I don't know how lions feel, but it was terrifying to me. And infuriating.  
John: But afterwards you would laugh. Let me hold you. I could have sex with you. You were excited. It was good for you.  
Elizabeth: It confused me that you could excite me and terrify me. It still confuses me.  
John: Maybe I can help explain it.  
Elizabeth: Maybe.  
John: How do you want to do this? Have you thought about it? The journal. Your questions.  
Elizabeth: I thought about it a little. A lot. I'm not sure.  
John: Can I help?  
Elizabeth: Now that I am here, I am feeling a little foggy about everything. I was crisp in my thinking before I saw you, but you put me into some kind of a trance.  
John: Come here.  
Elizabeth gets up and walks to him. He opens his arms. Puts his arms around her. Pulls her into his lap. Kisses her.  
John: Would you let me have sex with you here on this bed. I want that. I have been waiting since yesterday.  
Elizabeth shakes her head. Stands up walks across the room from him.  
Elizabeth: No. Not yet. I want to just surrender to you. It's like I have gone back in time. And I'm like I was. It's happening again. Already. You put me in a fog. Like a trance and all I want is to be touched by you. I can't think. There is a feeling I get when I am around you. Like I am drugged. Like I am under the influence of a drug.  
John: Come back here.  
Elizabeth walks back to him. He picks her up, carries her to the bed, lies down next to her. Kisses her.  
Elizabeth: No. I'm not ready. Not yet.  
Kisses her again. Gets up walks back to the chair and sits down.  
John: Okay. I am not going to have sex with you until you ask me to.  
Crosses his legs. Left ankle on his right knee. Elizabeth sits up. Scoots back, leans up against the headboard. Folds her arms across her chest.  
John: Here is my suggestion. Let's start at the beginning of your journal. You read a part to me. And you ask me whatever questions occur to you. I listen and I will answer no matter how uncomfortable it makes me. Beginning to end and then we see where we are. If we need to take time-out we can. See a movie. Go to a concert. Cook a meal. Shop. Walk through some galleries. Go out of town. Just take a few days break. We make it a project. A shared project. We begin at the beginning. We can do it over lunch, diner. In the park. At the houseboat. Even in my office. Wherever you like. It was 67 days. If we went day by day it would take 67 days. Since it is my fault we have to do this, let me move you to a suite where we can be comfortable if we do some of the journal here. You can pay whatever you were paying here. I'll pay the difference. I'll pay for a month for a suite here.  
Elizabeth: A month? Here? I pay my part.  
John: Yes.  
Elizabeth: Okay. A small suite. The smallest one.  
John: I'll get the worst small suite they have.  
He picks up the phone.  
John: This is John Gray. A friend of mine is staying here and I would like to move her to a one bedroom suite. It turns out some of the work we will be doing will be done here. No, not a two bedroom. I thought of the penthouse but she refuses it. Oh I see. Well let me talk with her about that. I would want it for a month possibly longer. Yes I'll discuss it with her and call you back.  
John: Elizabeth, they only have the two bedroom suites. Most of the one bedroom suites are taken for the month and there is only one open but it is scheduled to be renovated in two days. They will give me a special price on the Penthouse since there are no one bedroom suites. Let me give you the penthouse as a gift. We will be comfortable there. It will be almost like having your own apartment. A place completely separate from me. You will feel good there. It is not a hardship for me to give you this. I will know you have a nice place to go if things become strained between us as we go through your journal. And that might happen. I want you to be comfortable and safe.  
Elizabeth: You will let me pay my part, what I would have paid here?  
John: You heard me. I said I would pay the difference. You will have no obligation to me. I want to do this. And we are both paying. You are paying your part. You will just have a little more room. We will have a table. A bit of a view. I’ll pay for the month now.  
Elizabeth: Okay.  
John calls the desk and arranges for the Penthouse. For a month. He says they are going out and asks that her things be taken up while they are out.  
John: It will be ready by 4.  
Elizabeth: Okay. I’ll write you a check. For my part.

*

They are in the elevator. Going down.  
John: There is a street fair. A few blocks from here today. Like the one where we first met. Well after smiling at each other in the Chinese market. You agreed to have lunch with me. Lets go to the street fair. It will be like retracing our steps. Let me buy you something there.  
Elizabeth: Let me buy you something.  
John: Okay. You can buy me something. You want to buy me something. Letting you buy me something that is important to you?  
Elizabeth: It is.

*

They walk through the fair. There is music. People are dancing. He takes her in his arms and dances with her. He dances expertly, holds her lightly but close. The music stops. He kisses her. Gently. Slowly. Pushes her hair away from her face. Strokes her hair. Kisses her again. Takes her hand.  
John: Let's go find something you can buy me, big spender.  
They look at the vendors.  
Elizabeth: What do you want. What do you see that you like?  
John: Can it be anything? Food. I like the breads. Sometimes they have good wheat bread, banana bread.  
Elizabeth: Okay. Anything. Bread if you want that.  
They find a table with breads and cookies, scones, fudge, jams.  
John: These breads. When were they baked?  
Woman: This morning sir. The nuns bake them, they get up at three A M to do it. The money goes to the convent.  
John looks at Elizabeth.  
John: I would like a loaf of banana bread. Some of the cherry scones. Four.  
Woman: Thank you sir. Would you like some fig jam as well. We have 150 year old fig trees. One of the sisters makes very good fig jam.  
John: I love figs. Yes. You're sure it's good?  
The woman takes out a cracker, spreads jam on it. Hands it to John. Does one for Elizabeth. Hands it to her.  
John: This is the best fig jam I have ever tasted.  
Woman: The trees were gifts from a sister church in Turkey. And the recipes for the jam came from that church also.  
Elizabeth pays for the breads, the scones, and the jam.  
The woman wraps everything in bright purple cloth. Puts it in a cloth bag of the same color and hands it to John.  
Elizabeth: What a beautiful color.  
Woman: We make this cloth also. Dye it, weave it. For the fathers' robes.  
John: You bought me something, but would you mind if I made a donation to the sisters.  
Elizabeth: Of course not.  
John Takes out his wallet gives the sister two $100 bills.  
Woman: Bless you sir. You and your wife.  
They leave.  
John smiles: Wife. She thought you were my wife.  
Elizabeth: I didn't know you liked figs. I don't really know anything about you. Except your sexual predilections from years ago.  
John: I love figs. And dates.  
Elizabeth: You never told me anything about you. You never talked. Not really. You charmed me, entertained me. But never said anything personal.  
John: I tried, the last day. I tried. I began.  
Elizabeth: It was too late.  
John takes her by the shoulders. Is rough with her.  
John: It shouldn't have been too late.  
Elizabeth: John, stop. You're hurting me.  
John drops his hands immediately.  
John: I'm sorry it was too late. You should have given me a chance.  
Elizabeth: I cried. I cried everyday for 6 months. After I left you.  
John: I cried when you left. I ached for you.  
John: I bought a motorcycle.  
Elizabeth: When I left? You bought a motorcycle?  
John: I was reckless and self-destructive on it. I got 5 tickets for speeding in the first two months. I think I was trying to crash it. I finally did. The scar on my leg. It is from that accident. The leg had to be reconstructed. I spent three months in the hospital. Four surgeries. I liked the pain and I liked the painkillers. They allowed me to stop thinking about your leaving me.  
Elizabeth: Do you still have the motorcycle?  
John: No. It was wrecked. I’ve bought other ones since.  
Elizabeth: Do you still ride?  
John: Some.  
They are walking through the fair. There are some tables and chairs. John points to the tables. Elizabeth nods. They sit down.  
John: Would you let me buy us some lunch, wine.  
Elizabeth: No. Let me.  
She goes up to the counter and gets two glasses of red wine, brings them to the table, goes back and gets a plate of crackers and cheese.  
Elizabeth: I got sandwiches. They'll be ready in a minute. I ordered for you.  
John laughs.  
John: Are we going to go through the two months we were together with you playing my role? Am I supposed to play yours?  
Elizabeth: Maybe. I'm still figuring out what I want.  
John waits to drink until she gets back to the table. John lifts his glass.  
John: Another chance?  
Elizabeth: Maybe.  
They touch glasses.  
John opens the bag. Gets out one of the jars of fig jam. Opens the jam. Takes a Swiss army knife out of his pocket. Opens it .  
Elizabeth: Give me that.  
John hands it to her. She uses it to spread a cracker with the jam.  
Elizabeth: Open your mouth.  
She puts the cracker in his mouth.  
John takes a bite of the cracker. Chews it up, makes smacking noises. Elizabeth laughs. Eats the rest of the cracker.  
John: I had no idea you had such a bossy side.  
Elizabeth: We know each other sexually. Or we did. But we didn't know each other. Not really.  
She goes back to the counter and gets the sandwiches. Comes back.  
John: What did you get me?  
Elizabeth: Pastrami.  
John: You remembered that?  
Elizabeth: I remember a lot.  
John: Can I take you to dinner tonight? Cook you dinner. What about room service in your room.  
Elizabeth: You know I love room service.  
John: You do? I don't think you ever told me that.  
Elizabeth: I think my affection for room service developed later.  
John: Will you allow me to pay for dinner? That way I will feel I can order whatever I want.  
Elizabeth: Let me think about it. What about going Dutch?  
John: Elizabeth, I have more money than I know what to do with. Let me buy us dinner. Please. You can buy me dinner tomorrow night or you can cook me dinner tomorrow night.  
Elizabeth: Really? Anything?  
John laughs.  
John: Anything.  
Elizabeth: Meatloaf?  
John: Do you make meatloaf?  
Elizabeth: I do.  
John: Don't people make meatloaf out of leftovers?  
Elizabeth: Not necessarily. I make a great meatloaf.  
John: Tomorrow you can cook on the houseboat. You can make whatever you want including meatloaf.  
 ~~Elizabeth: Okay.~~

*

They walk into the Penthouse.  
Elizabeth: John this is beautiful.  
She goes from room to room. Goes to the stairs. She goes up the stairs, a door at the top opens onto a private deck with a view of the city. He follows her up.  
Elizabeth: I don't know what to say. This feels like too much. It feels like after our lunch the first time when you showed me you had bought the shawl for me. It feels as if you are wrapping me in something luxurious that I can't afford.  
John: I remember the moment you let me put the shawl around you. It was the first time I put my arms around you. Something I had been wanting to do.  
Elizabeth: I have never stayed in a penthouse suite before. It is too much.  
In the suite is a bottle of champagne in a bucket of ice and two glasses, two arrangements of flowers and a basket of fruit. Elizabeth looks at the basket, the flowers. John opens the champagne and pours.  
Elizabeth: Did you order champagne? How did they know? How did they know the ice wouldn't all melt before we came back?  
John: I ordered it. They watch. They probably brought it up a service elevator when they saw us come in.  
Elizabeth: It is a little overwhelming, going from my room to this.  
John: This is what we need right now. For our project. Your journal. Your questions. It's nice. I'm pleased. Let me find a room service menu.  
He hands her a glass of champagne.  
Elizabeth: All my clothes are hanging up. Look. They unpacked for me. Did you tell them to do this?  
John: The Penthouse comes with a few extras.  
Elizabeth: It's wonderful. Thank you.  
John: Come here look at this menu. What do you want for dinner?  
John: Shall I order for you? Do you want to order for me?  
Elizabeth: You can order for me. Didn't it make you tired doing all that for me? Back then. I'm tired. And all I did was buy you breads and fig jam. I can't imagine, bathing you and dressing you and brushing your hair and doing the dishes and feeding you.  
John: I thought we were reversing rolls. I'm disappointed. I was looking forward to your bathing me and dressing me and brushing my hair.  
Elizabeth: Really, how did you do that ? Wasn't it exhausting? The shopping, the cooking, the dishes. Dressing me, bathing me. Didn't it make you tired?  
John: Sometimes. Not often. Everything I did for you gave me pleasure. Touching your hair. Bathing you. Dressing you.  
Elizabeth: I was your plaything.  
John: At first you were.  
Elizabeth: That's what you wanted. That's why you came for me.  
John: I warned you. When I put the scarf around you and took you in my arms I warned you.  
Elizabeth: You didn't. You said to not say you hadn't warned me. But really John you never warned me. You just said you had.  
John: I meant to warn you. Also to tease you a little. When I put the shawl around you, took you in my arms, put my arms around you, when I said "don't say I didn't warn you", what I meant was this is how I am going to treat you, I am going to give you things, I am going to take care of you, I am going to notice what you want, I am going to make you happy.  
Elizabeth: You gave me pleasure, but you didn't make me happy. You put me in a trance, you scared me. You opened me up wide open sexually made me more sexual but you didn't make me happy.  
John: I didn't? I didn't make you happy? Not even in the beginning? The balloons, the Ferris wheel. Feeding you? The honey?  
Elizabeth: In the beginning. In the beginning you did. You made me happy. But later.  
John: Shh. Shh. Let's have a nice dinner. Do you want to begin the journal tonight?  
Elizabeth: Maybe.  
John orders room service for them. They take the fruit basket and the champagne and climb the stairs to the deck. Sit out on the deck.  
Elizabeth: People must come here for their honeymoon don't you think?  
John: I imagine so. Would you let me make love to you up here. You could lie back on the chaise lounge  
Elizabeth: I thought you said you would wait until I asked you to make love to me.  
John: Did you want to ask me to make love to you now?  
Elizabeth: No. Just sit here with me. Enjoy the champagne and the view.  
John: Why are you making me wait, us wait, so long. Yesterday you threw yourself at me. Yesterday you had me undress, then fellatio, now you are pulling back. I don’t get it.  
Elizabeth: I got drunk. You got me drunk.  
John: No I really didn’t.  
Elizabeth: And I wanted to see if you would let me control things. I maybe got a little carried away.  
John: Maybe you did. Why are you making us wait though after yesterday?  
Elizabeth: I read that "why" questions are usually complaints. You said you would wait til I was ready.  
John: It is a complaint. But I can wait. I'm waiting.

*

  
They are sitting at the table in the penthouse suite. Elizabeth next to John at his right. The table is covered with a thick white cloth, there are candles, silver utensils, china plates, fresh flowers. They feed each other bits of food during dinner. Offer each other sips of wine, each drinking from the other’s glass  
John watches her with a quiet amusement.  
John: Is this some therapeutic assignment? One you gave yourself or some therapist gave you.  
Elizabeth: What does that mean?  
John: Just answer me.  
Elizabeth: Yes. Not a therapist, me an assignment I gave myself.  
John: What exactly is the assignment?  
Elizabeth: I want to understand why you did what you did. Why did you do those things to me?  
John: We did uh those things as you call them, we did those things together.  
Elizabeth: Some. Some we did together.  
John: All of it.  
Elizabeth: I want to know what I meant to you. And if you are interested I want you to understand what you meant to me.  
John: You meant everything.  
Elizabeth: Not at first. What was I at first? Prey?  
John: I was attracted to your beauty. You were luminous. As if somehow your skin, your hair, your eyes could bend the light around you. There was a glow around you as if the light from you made the air sweeter honeyed.  
Elizabeth: How can you say something like that? Did you make that up or read it somewhere?  
John: You were kind of a good looking chick. I thought you might be a nice fuck. Better? More believable?  
Elizabeth: I should have just said thank you. I’m sorry. That was beautiful. I think you embarrassed me.  
John: You were beautiful and you were a wise-guy. You were a wise guy with the man next to you at the counter. You said you were going to give the birds a proper burial. I was standing a little way off. I was watching you. I thought he might try to pick you up. I don’t know why he didn’t. He moved away and I took his place next to you. I liked the smell of your hair. You turned back to see him and I was there.  
Elizabeth: And you smiled at me.  
John: I smiled at you.  
Elizabeth: And then I looked back and you were gone. The door was closing. I was disappointed. Then when Molly and I were trying to get a cab, I saw you talking to an Asian man. You had a newspaper a Chinese newspaper. Do you speak Chinese, read it?  
John: Some. Would you like me to take you to China? The Great Wall? See the pandas?  
Elizabeth: Maybe. Why didn’t you speak to me, why did you leave before you talked to me.  
John: Two reasons. I had an appointment with the Chinese man you saw. And two, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with you.  
Elizabeth: Wasn’t there something though? That passed between us? The way you smiled at me. I wanted more. I felt disappointed when you left. I wanted more.  
John: I know you did.  
Elizabeth: Then you bought me the scarf, the shawl.  
John: I was at the street fair. I saw you. I had been thinking about you. After I saw you, you stayed on my mind. I decided when I saw you put the shawl back. You were giving me an opening to you.  
Elizabeth You bought it without knowing anything about me. Whether I was married or if I would see you.  
John: I knew you would see me. I knew there was going to be something between us. It didn’t matter to me if you had a boyfriend, a husband.  
Elizabeth: You stood very close to me both times. I could almost feel the wool in your coat, smell the soap you used.  
Elizabeth: Do you want to hear what I wrote.  
John: Not yet. I just want to sit here having dinner with you, having you near me. I want to enjoy having dinner with you. I want to enjoy having spent the day with you.

*

They are back on the deck. They have coffee. There is a bottle of Ice Wine and two glasses on the table. Elizabeth pours wine in each of the glasses. Takes a glass to John. He is lying on the chaise. She sits down in the chair near him. Slips off her shoes. Puts her feet in his lap. He begins rubbing her feet. Her toes.  
John: My favorite toes. Beautiful toes.  
Elizabeth: Let me see your toes.  
John slips off his deck shoes.  
John: Just ordinary toes. The ones on my right foot are a little dark. Like they were bruised. They were black after the motorcycle accident. And they have always stayed a little dark.  
Elizabeth pulls her feet back, gets out of the chair, kneels down, takes his right foot in her hand, strokes his toes. Puts them in her mouth. John laughs.  
John: That tickles. Stop.  
Elizabeth licks his toes. Begins laughing.  
Elizabeth: Do people really suck each other's toes? No one ever sucked my toes. You never sucked my toes. But you liked them.  
John: I would have sucked your toes. They deserved to be sucked. You left too soon. I hadn't gotten around to toes. You didn't wait long enough for me to get to toes.  
She puts his toes in her mouth again. Sucks them.  
Elizabeth: Does it feel good?  
John: It's not unpleasant. It isn't arousing. It makes me vaguely anxious, I am waiting for it to tickle.  
Elizabeth: Do you think they had the Ice Wine here. Or did they have to send out somebody to get it.  
John: Probably had it in the bar.  
Elizabeth: I like it.  
John: You made that obvious. You would have had sex with me last night if you hadn't passed out on it.  
Elizabeth: But I didn't. We didn't.  
Elizabeth: I want to get my journal and read the beginning to you.  
John: Okay.  
Elizabeth: It's downstairs. I'll just go down and get it if that's okay.  
John: Okay.  
She goes downstairs comes back with a small leather bound journal.  
Elizabeth: It's a little dark up here.  
John: Want my phone? It has a flashlight.  
Elizabeth: Okay. I'll read the entry. And then I'll ask you my questions.  
John: Okay.  
Elizabeth: It makes me feel a little funny reading this to you.  
John: But this is what you came here to do.  
Elizabeth: Yes.  
John: Okay.  
Elizabeth sits back down on her chair. Takes a long sip of the Ice Wine. John settles back on the chaise. She opens the journal.


	4. Elizabeth's Journal 1: Almost Met A Man Today

Elizabeth reads

_I met a man today. Well almost met him. I was in the Chinese market with Molly buying things for our dinner party. We were standing at the counter and we were acting like school girls about the little birds for sale in a basket. I made a crack about the songs they sang before they were killed. We were laughing. Giggling. We bought the little birds. The grocer was wrapping them. A man came up behind me and asked me what I was going to do with the birds and I turned away and said give them a proper burial. And I turned back and that man had gone and another man was there. This other man. This handsome man. He stood very straight. He was standing very close to me. I could feel his presence. He had something. It was like the room belonged to him. Like the world belonged to him. And he smiled at me. This warm, knowing, slightly amused smile. An interested smile. And I turned away but when I looked back he had gone. The door was open and I thought I glimpsed the tail of his coat. He was gone. I saw him again as Molly and I were trying to get a taxi. Four taxis passed us. He was sitting in a tea house with a newspaper, it might have been a Chinese newspaper. And he was sitting talking to an Asian man. He didn't see me. Why didn't he say anything? Maybe he is married. Maybe he wasn't interested. The smile though, he seemed interested._


	5. Saturday September 14: John's Reaction to Almost Met A Man Today

John: He was interested. He wasn't married. So what is your question?  
Elizabeth: Why didn't you say anything? Ask me my name? My phone number?  
John: I had an appointment. ~~The man helped me with translation. Also, I was considering a trip to China and he wanted me to meet with his family there if I went.~~  
 ~~Elizabeth: But it would have only taken a second to ask me.~~  
 ~~John: I hadn't decided.~~  
 ~~Elizabeth: Decided what?~~  
 ~~John: If I wanted to do it.~~  
 ~~Elizabeth: Do what?~~  
 ~~John: Begin with you.~~  
Elizabeth: You seemed interested.  
John: I was interested. You were beautiful. I tried to tell you how you looked to me. ~~You rejected my efforts at a poetic description of you.~~  
 ~~Elizabeth: I'm sorry. I was rude.~~  
John: You were, are, a smart-alec. I heard what you said about giving the birds a proper burial. I thought to myself, can I handle this one. I always thought that one of these days there would be a woman who would undo me. I looked at you and I thought is she the one. Maybe give this one a pass. But I wanted you. I stood next to you and I wanted to touch you. But I didn't ask. You said I terrified you? You scared me.  
Elizabeth: You didn't look scared. You looked interested and amused. And kind. You were always so in control. Like you knew all about everything. Like you owned the world. And understood everything.  
John: You amused me, you made me laugh. You were joyful and a wise-guy. I never laughed so much as I did with you. Never had so much fun with a woman. Never had so much fun period. The sex was good, great, but it was you. You were good, you were funny and difficult and sarcastic and I wanted to please you. ~~And I wanted to undo you.~~ Once we began, you were everything I thought you would be and more. I was right. I should have given you a pass. You were almost my undoing.  
Elizabeth: You were my undoing. Almost. Did you do what you did with me with the others.  
John: With some of them. Some of it. Most of it no. What we had, what you did, what we did, it wasn't like the others. There was no one like you. Before or after.  
Elizabeth: For me to too. No one like you before or after.  
John: Do you have any other questions for me about that day?  
Elizabeth: No. John, when I was with you, you almost never talked. Really talked. You didn't answer questions. You were charming. Entertaining. But you wouldn't really talk about what you thought or felt or who you were. That's what I want to know now. And you are answering me. Thank you.  
John: Thank you for giving me the chance.  
Elizabeth: We sound so formal.  
John: What do you want to do about tonight? Last night you slept with me. Your head on my chest. It felt good. Just to hold you. Would you let me stay with you tonight.  
Elizabeth: No.  
John: Please Elizabeth. I want to hold you in my arms tonight.  
Elizabeth: John, I want to go slow.  
John: Go slow? Yesterday I was naked on the bed at your request. You had me in your mouth. That doesn't seem slow.  
Elizabeth: I wanted to see what you would tolerate. How much control you would give up. And I had too much wine. It was an experiment. I wasn't planning on having sex with you.  
John: You are giving me mixed messages Elizabeth.  
Elizabeth: You have given me this suite so I have a separate place, so I can take things slow. Let me do that. Come tomorrow. Come in the late morning. And we'll shop and I'll cook at the houseboat. We'll eat together.  
John: Will you stay over?  
Elizabeth: I don't know. I'll bring the journal. I'll read you the next part.  
John: Okay.


	6. Sunday September 15: Elizabeth Cooks on the Houseboat

The next morning John knocks on the penthouse suite door.  
Elizabeth opens the door in her nightgown. John is dressed in Levis. A black t-shirt, a black wool blazer, loafers, no socks.  
Elizabeth: We didn't decide on a time. I'm not ready. Can you entertain yourself for a little while I get ready.  
John: Since you aren't ready, maybe you'd like to entertain me for a little while in your bed and then get dressed.  
Elizabeth: I thought you were going to wait til I asked you to have sex with me.  
John: Well, I don't see why I can't ask you to ask me.  
Elizabeth walks over to him puts her arms around him, kisses him. Long kiss. He wraps his arms around her. Starts walking her backwards toward the bed, still kissing her. Pushes her backward onto the bed. Gets on top of her. Kisses her again. She responds, putting her hands in his hair. Pulling away a little then kissing him again. He slides his hand under her nightgown.  
John: Ask me. Ask me. Tell me to have sex with you. Tell me to make love to you.  
Elizabeth: No. We've talked about one day. One entry.  
John: If you think I am going to wait two months...  
Elizabeth: You are if it is what I want. You are not in control of me. I do not submit to you. You can't threaten to leave me or throw me out if I don't submit to you. Not now. I don't do what you say. I don't crawl. I don't lift my skirt to be hit with a riding crop. I don't go to the Chelsea Hotel to watch you fuck a prostitute. I don't allow myself to be thrown down on a table.  
John: Stop it. Okay. Okay. Stop it. Please. Calm down.  
Elizabeth: If you want to replay your favorites, then leave now. Go downstairs and ask for your money back on this suite.  
John: Shhh. Calm down. You are angry. ~~You are still angry. I'm sorry, Elizabeth.~~  
Elizabeth: I did those things then. ~~I said okay. I consented.~~ You manipulated me, you bullied me, ~~but I could have left you anytime.~~ You were like a drug, an addiction. The sex with you was like addiction. It was like you were the only thing that mattered. Your touching me was all I lived for. I feel foggy headed around you still. It's as if everything is out of focus except you. It's as if nothing is real but you. I have to fight against it. ~~I want to just surrender to you. But I can't let myself do that. If you can't understand, at least be patient. Give me a little time.~~  
John: Just say no to me. It's okay. I'll accept a no.

*

Elizabeth dresses. John goes up to the deck. Looks out at the city, does something with his phone. Elizabeth comes up. Jeans. A long sleeved white t-shirt, the shawl draped loosely over her shoulders. Boots.  
John _**MOCKING**_ : You look particularly fetching in that beautiful shawl. Did your boyfriend give you that?  
Elizabeth: I was never able to figure out quite what he was. Who he was. Boyfriend? Maybe. He was my lover. He was my lover. ~~He married somebody else. For awhile he was my alpha and my omega, my beginning and my end.~~  
John: How'd you let him get away?  
Elizabeth: He scared me away. ~~I wasn't sure what he was going to do next. It felt like things were out of control~~  
 ~~John: Do you still love him?~~  
Elizabeth: John, stop it. I want to go shopping for dinner. I need meat for my meatloaf. I need carrots and breadcrumbs and green beans nice fresh ones and a nice onion and some sour cream. I want to make baked potatoes and I want sour cream and a nice dark red wine maybe a Cabernet. And chives. I must have chives and good butter. Irish if we can find it. I might make a spice cake for dessert.  
John: Okay I know good places to go for all that. You look beautiful. Do you want to bring a change in case you decide to drink the rest of my Ice Wine collection.  
Elizabeth: Okay. I do like Ice Wine.  
 ~~Elizabeth. I'll bring my journal. Maybe we could shop, have a light lunch out, go to the houseboat. Have some wine , I'll read you the next entry and then we can make dinner together.~~  
John: Does it feel good to be in charge?  
Elizabeth: Yes and no. I like it that you are allowing it. Well going along with it. If I say you are allowing it, I am putting you in charge. I want to be in charge.  
John: You are in charge.  
He laughs.  
Elizabeth: But I can imagine getting tired of it.  
John: No comment.  
Elizabeth: You have plates and glasses, silverware?  
John: Have everything for the table, even have tablecloths and napkins.  
Elizabeth: I want candles and flowers.  
John: Of course.

*

The curtain in the doorway of the houseboat blows softly. Elizabeth is sitting with her feet up on the sofa. John is sitting on the bed shoes off leaning against the headboard.  
Elizabeth: it looks the same here almost. But that headboard wasn’t here, was it? It’s nice.  
John: I brought that back from Europe. It’s French. 17th Century.  
Elizabeth: A long way from chrome and black enamel.  
John nods. Smiles.  
John: Okay let's hear it.


	7. Elizabeth's Journal 2: The Shawl and the Houseboat

Elizabeth reads

_I met him. Yesterday. His name is John Gray. Here is how it happened. I was at the street fair. I love the street fair. The sounds, the smells the people. I found a funny wooden chicken that moved and laid eggs. Well first I found a scarf, a shawl really. The most beautiful shawl I had ever seen. French. Beautiful design amazing colors. I wanted to buy it. I wanted it. So much. It was three hundred dollars. I just couldn't buy it. Not and eat and pay rent. So I left it and found the wonderful funny chicken that laid eggs. I thought I would keep the chicken or give it to my mom for Christmas. And then suddenly he was there. Standing so close to me. Almost touching me. He said every time I see you you are buying chickens which wasn't even true. The last time he saw me when he didn't ask for my name or my number I was buying those tiny Chinese birds, They weren't chickens at all but it didn't matter. I tried to think of something clever to say back and I couldn't think of anything. His closeness made it difficult for me to speak. To think. And I just said stupidly every time I see you, you are smiling at me. And he gave me that smile. That same smile. Interested. Like he knows things. Like everything mildly amuses him. Like what I said mildly amused him. But in a kind way. I think he is kind. He is polite. And he put his hand in the small of my back and walked with me and said I know an interesting place for lunch, you'll like it and it seemed natural to just go along with him. It was like it never occurred to him I wouldn't go to lunch with him. He was charming and funny. And he told me stories about what happened in the restaurant. And he gave me sips from his glass of wine as if of course that is the way to have wine together sipping from the same glass when there was another glass right there on the table. And he offered me food off his fork. And he let one noodle hang out of his mouth and then he sucked it in - the noodle - and it reminded me of Disney's Lady and the Tramp when the two are eating the same noodle. And I imagined we were going to end up sharing a noodle. He was so easy to be with. And when we finished he paid. I offered to pay my half but he said of course not and then we were outside and he had a bag and in the bag was the shawl. The beautiful French shawl. He must have seen me look at it and put it back. He bought it. How would he know I'd say yes to lunch and he could give it to me? He brought it to lunch. Or maybe if I had said no to lunch he would have waited and asked me out again and given it to me another time. Or maybe if I turned him down he would have given the scarf to someone else. I hate the idea now of my beautiful scarf, shawl, being given to someone else. Worn by someone else. He held it up and sort of unfurled it like it was a flag. He said this is for you. And then he walked behind me and wrapped me in it. Enfolded me in the shawl and enfolded me in his arms and it felt so good. And he kissed me, or he nuzzled me I'm not sure it was a real kiss and he whispered “Don't say I didn't warn you". But I don't know what he meant. What has he warned me about? Was it the shawl. That he will give me beautiful things? He is warning me that he follows me, knows what I like and gets it for me? I don't understand. I have to ask him what he meant if I see him again. I probably won't. But is a beautiful shawl. The most beautiful shawl. I have a $300 French shawl. I want to show it to Molly. She will die of envy. And then he said I want to show you a special place. So I said okay and he took me to a houseboat. Oh this houseboat. The most beautiful houseboat. I could imagine what it would be like to live there. It was so peaceful. Right on the Hudson. Looking back across the water to the city. And he said it wasn't his that it belonged to a friend. And then he nonchalantly started putting a clean sheet on the bed. He hadn't kissed me except the nuzzle on the neck when he put the shawl around me, He hadn't asked if I would have sex with him. He just assumed and it scared me and made me mad but I wanted to have sex with him. But I didn't like it that he assumed. Lunch and a shawl and he gets sex? Is that what he thought. He seemed so polite but there we were and nobody around. He said that. And I said I wanted to leave. And he said okay and we left and I had him drop me at the gallery cause then I was a little afraid of him. And I didn't want him to know where I lived. And I asked if wanted the scarf back and he said of course not. And he didn't kiss me or any thing. He said he had enjoyed the afternoon and that I looked beautiful in the scarf and he was glad he could give it to me. And then today he sent me a dozen roses. I don't know what to think. Maybe he is married. Maybe that is what he does, he picks up girls by watching them and then getting them something he knows they can't afford and then they have sex with him in his friend's houseboat so his wife doesn't know. Maybe he a has a wife and five kids. I'll bet he has brought lots of girls to the houseboat. Lots. I am probably one of many. His friend lets him use the houseboat for his little assignations . Just change the sheets buddy when you are done with her. But today he sent roses. A dozen roses. He'll call won't he call? If he calls me I'll ask him if he's married. If he is I'll give the shawl back. Maybe I could work out a payment plan for the shawl. So I could keep it but pay him in installments. A little every week. I would pay interest. I really want to keep it. It is so beautiful. I would like to have sex with him, see him again. But I won't if he is married. But if he is not married why take me to his friend's boat instead of to his place. I wish I knew someone who knew him._


	8. Sunday September 15 John's Reaction to The Shawl and the Houseboat

John is laughing.  
John: You thought I was married because I took you to the houseboat. Five kids? Very funny.  
Elizabeth: I did. I knew you had taken women there before because of the way you got the sheet out and started putting it on the bed.  
John: Do you want to know the answer. Is that one of your questions?  
Elizabeth: Yes. Had you taken women there before?  
John: Yes.  
Elizabeth: Why?  
John: Why what?  
Elizabeth: Why did you take me there? Why did you take other women there.  
John: Because it's a nice place. Women like it. Women are comfortable there. It's peaceful. I took you there because I thought you would like it.  
Elizabeth: Did you think I would have sex with you?  
John: Yes. I thought you would.  
Elizabeth: Because you bought me lunch and you bought me a scarf?  
John: No. I thought you would have sex with me because you drank from my wine glass and the way you looked at me across the table at lunch and the way you let me enfold you in the scarf and put my arms around you and hold you against me, let me put my face in your hair and as you said nuzzle you, and you felt very right in my arms and I thought there was something already between us. Something I felt when our eyes met in the Chinese market.  
Elizabeth: You had taken women there before.  
John: I had.  
Elizabeth: How many?  
John: A few.  
Elizabeth: I thought you were going to answer my questions.  
John somewhat angry: What difference does it make how many? You were married for three years. I didn't ask you about that. How many times you had sex. Where you had it, how it was. I wasn't married. I had sex with women before I met you. More than one. I took them places to have sex with them. The houseboat was one of the places I took women to have sex. It is peaceful there. After I had sex with you I didn't have sex with anyone else until after you left me. I brought you there because I thought you would like it there. I wanted to have sex. I thought you wanted that too. You know what my place was like, it was austere. I took you to the houseboat cause I thought you would be comfortable there. I was nervous. I wanted things to go well. I shouldn't have said that about it being risky, I scared you but I did what you wanted. I wanted you to feel safe with me. So when you asked to leave when you said "now" I said okay. You wouldn't let me drive you home cause I scared you. You made me drop you at the gallery.  
Elizabeth: Why did you send the roses?  
John: Because I wanted to see you again. I wanted you to know that I could accept your saying no to me. Were you really going to offer to pay me installments with interest so you could keep the scarf?  
Elizabeth: I was. I loved the scarf. I think it is the most beautiful present anyone ever give me.  
John: What about the watch?  
Elizabeth: Beautiful but the scarf is the number one gift.  
John: But you left it.  
Elizabeth: You kept it. I hoped you would send it. When you didn't I knew I had to let it go. It broke my heart to let it go.  
John: We ought to begin dinner soon. Do you have more questions?  
Elizabeth: Were you in love with me?  
John: Then, no. I wanted a sexual relationship with you. I was sure I would enjoy sex with you. I wanted to touch your skin your hair your body. I thought I could make you enjoy sex with me. I was thinking about sex. I didn't mind courting you. Taking it slower. But it was sex I wanted.  
Elizabeth: You fell in love with me.  
John: I did.  
Elizabeth: When?  
John: Maybe when we were in the kitchen and I fed you all those different bites of food and I laughed so much at your reactions. You just went along with it. You were playful and laughing and you were a good sport and then you let me put honey all over you and have sex with you. That night I thought there will never be another girl like this. I can never let her go. You made me laugh. You made life fun. I thought I have been looking for this girl all my life and now she is here.  
John: Or when you danced for me.  
Elizabeth: No one ever danced for you.  
John: A few had. But not like you danced. Not like that. It was like the food. You were so playful and sexy and beautiful and joyful and funny. You were not like anyone else. I thought I can't live without this girl.  
Elizabeth: Is there anything you want to ask me?  
John: Would you read the part that you wrote about how you reacted to me in the Chinese market again.  
Elizabeth turns back the pages.  
Elizabeth: Okay. It's right here.  
Elizabeth reads: _This handsome man. He stood very straight. He was standing very close to me. I could feel his presence. He had something. It was like the room belonged to him. Like the world belonged to him. And he smiled at me. This warm, knowing, slightly amused smile. An interested smile._  
John: That is how you saw me.  
Elizabeth: That is how I saw you.  
John: It is flattering.  
Elizabeth: Not flattery.

*

He sets the table. Hovers over her as she cooks. Takes bites of things. Hands her his wine to sip.  
Elizabeth: What about some Ice Wine?  
John: After dinner only. Drink the Cabernet now.  
He gives her another drink of the Cabernet. Stands behind her sips his wine, offers her sips. Puts his arms around her. Rests his chin on her shoulder.  
He looks over at the bowl of onions.  
John: Are those chopped finely enough? I could dice them a little more.  
Elizabeth turns around in his arms and pushes him back. Puts her hands on her hips.  
Elizabeth: John. How many times do you think I have made this meatloaf. Don't you think I know how fine the onions need to be.  
John: Calm down. I was just trying to help.  
Elizabeth: No you were just trying to take control of my meatloaf. You can’t help it. You have a compulsion to be in control.  
John: I do not. Not a compulsion. I like being in control. But it is not a compulsion.  
Elizabeth: Leave my meatloaf alone. You can make the spice cake. I will let you do that. Break 3 eggs in a bowl. Get out ginger and cloves and cinnamon.  
John is laughing.  
John: You think you can order a man around in his own kitchen. What arrogance.  
Elizabeth: And nutmeg. I forgot to tell you the nutmeg.  
John puts his arms around her.  
John: Ask me.  
Elizabeth: No.  
John: Ask me to kiss you.  
Elizabeth: Will you please kiss me.  
He wraps her in his arms pulls her to him kisses her. Bends her backward a little. Pulls back. She is out of breath.  
John: Ask me to touch your breast.  
Elizabeth: No. I am asking you to leave my meatloaf alone and go make the spice cake. 

*

The are sitting at the table. Flowers, candles burned halfway down, plates mostly empty, wine glasses still with a little wine.  
Elizabeth: Do any houseboats have fireplaces? Wouldn't it be nice to have a fireplace now.  
John: Not an expert on houseboats, have only been in, on, a few. I've never seen a fireplace.  
He gets his phone out.  
John: There is one in a house boat on Lake Powell. But there is no picture of the fireplace.  
Elizabeth: Where is Lake Powell?  
John: This shows this houseboat on the Utah, Arizona border.  
Elizabeth: I think we should put in a fireplace.  
John: Put in a fireplace. We should put in a fireplace? I am not putting in a fireplace for a girl who won't even have sex with me  
Elizabeth: Hardly a girl  
John: Girl enough.  
John: Do you mind if I smoke.  
Elizabeth: It's your houseboat.  
John lights a cigarette. Inhales. Offers it to Elizabeth she shakes her head.  
John: No?  
Elizabeth shakes her head again. Inhales.  
Elizabeth: Smells good though.  
John: Do you want me to serve the dessert  
Elizabeth: Let's wait a little. Could we sit outside?  
John: Let's do the dishes first. See how I said "let's" I know you want to do the dishes together.  
Elizabeth: Is this awful for you? Do you want to take control.  
John: I do want to take control of this, of you. But it isn't awful. No, it's interesting.  
Elizabeth: What is your daughter like?  
John smiles.  
John: Smart. Controlling. Like me. She's 29. Lovely. Teaching American Literature at the Sorbonne. Loves Paris. Not married. Not sure she’s interested in boys. Do you want to meet her?  
Elizabeth: Maybe. Let's see what happens.  
John: Your son?  
Elizabeth: I married the head of the Engineering Department at Temple. Our son became an architect. Like his father, very mechanical. Could have been either an engineer or an architect. 31. Loves China. Maybe seeing a girl there. I told you I plan to go and visit him after coming here.  
John: Where is he?  
Elizabeth: Up by the border with North Korea. A town called Dandong.  
John: I've been there. The man you saw me sitting with his family is from a town just south of there. Dalian.  
John: We could go together.  
Elizabeth: Did you ever think you wanted me to wear a dog collar?  
John: What? What are you talking about? A dog collar? No, of course not.  
Elizabeth: I read The Story of O. Have you read it?  
John: Yes.  
Elizabeth: Before you met me?  
John: Yes.  
Elizabeth: Is that what you wanted? Is that where you were going?  
John: No. It wasn't where I was going. I found the book mildly interesting. I found it interesting that a woman wrote it. There are some parts I found arousing. Mostly it bored me.  
Elizabeth: That isn't you? Wasn't you?  
John: Of course not. You thought that was me?  
Elizabeth: When I read it, it was after I married, I wondered if I would have ended up like O if I had stayed with you.  
John laughs, then stops, shakes his head. Stands up. Begins walking back and forth. Clearly upset.  
John: How could you think that? That is grotesque. No. How could you ever think that? You didn't understand what was going on. Going on with me, with us.  
Elizabeth: You are angry.  
John: Not at you. Would you excuse me, I am going to go outside and finish this cigarette.  
Elizabeth: You don't want me to come out with you.  
John: No. No, I don't. Just give me a little time.  
He walks to the door, pulls back the curtain goes outside on the deck.

*

When he comes back in Elizabeth is clearing the table.  
John: Will you let me help you do the dishes?  
She begins running water in the sink. Puts dishes in the water.  
Elizabeth: No. Would you make some coffee and pour us some Ice Wine. Get plates and forks for the cake.  
John walks over behind her. Puts his arms around her. Stands behind her.  
John: I am sorry. I'm not a sadist. I should have talked to you more. Explained. I'll try to do that now. I don't know if I can. But I'll try.  
Elizabeth turns in his arms. Puts her arms around him. Kisses him.  
John puts his head down on her shoulder.  
Elizabeth: John are you crying?  
John lifts his head up. Pulls back.  
John: Of course not. Big boys don't cry.  
John pulls back.Walks over to the coffee maker, grinds coffee beans, begins making the coffee. Gets out plates and forks. Pours the Ice Wine. Brings her wine to her at the sink, holds the glass to her lips. She takes a long drink.  
John: May I dry?

*

They are sitting outside on the deck. Legs dangling, looking across the river at the city lights. Coffee cups. Glasses of Ice Wine. John puts his arm around her pulls her to him, kisses her, turns her pushes her down on the deck. Kisses her again.  
John: Ask me.  
Elizabeth kisses him back puts her arms around him.  
Elizabeth: It's too soon.  
John: It’s not too soon. When? Come on? When?  
Elizabeth: You can touch my breast?  
John: What? One breast?  
Elizabeth: One.  
John: Well which one?  
Elizabeth: Let me think. My left one. No wait, the right.  
John pulls back.  
John: What kind of game is this?  
Elizabeth: I thought you liked games.  
John: I like my games.  
Elizabeth: One. The left.  
John: You said the right. Which is it? I don't want to get mixed-up.  
Elizabeth: It is the right.  
John: Can I kiss that breast?  
Elizabeth: Tomorrow. Tonight only touching and you have to be gentle.  
John starts laughing.  
John: You came back to torture me.  
Elizabeth: When I went to sleep, you didn't touch me. You didn't have sex with me.  
John: Sleep? Sleep? Elizabeth you passed out because you drank almost two bottles of Ice Wine. I'm not into sex with unconscious women.  
Elizabeth: If I stay tonight will you behave?  
John: I don't know. If you are in my bed and I only have permission to touch your left breast, what if I get confused and accidentally touch your right breast?  
Elizabeth: It's the right you can touch.  
Elizabeth: I'll have to spank you if touch the left.  
John: You'll have to spank me? I might like that.  
Elizabeth: I don't think you would. Okay, if you get the breasts mixed-up, you have to bring me breakfast in bed.  
John: Elizabeth, I loved bringing you breakfast in bed. That isn't a punishment. Maybe you don't want to punish me for touching the wrong breast. I can't believe I am having this conversation with you.  
Elizabeth: John, I don't want to negotiate with you. One breast, the left. And you will just have to be careful.  
John: You just said the left. I thought you said the right.  
Kisses her again, pulls up her t-shirt. Exposes her left breast, strokes her breast. Cups it in his hand.  
John: I think your other breast is getting jealous.  
Elizabeth starts laughing.  
Elizabeth: This torturing, it is more fun than I thought.  
John; Are you staying?  
Elizabeth: Pour me more wine.  
John gets up goes in. Elizabeth follows him in.  
Elizabeth: I'm staying. Can I borrow a t-shirt to sleep in. I brought clothes for tomorrow but nothing to sleep in.  
John: Maybe you didn't want to sleep in anything. Maybe you wanted to ask me to have sex with you.  
Elizabeth: John, can I borrow a t-shirt? If you won't loan me a t-shirt I'm leaving. I don't want to negotiate with you.  
John: Okay.  
John gets a t-shirt and comes back with the shirt and a felt tip. He hands her the t-shirt. She undresses in front of him and puts on the t-shirt. He lifts up the t-shirt exposing both of her breasts.  
Elizabeth: Stop it. What are you doing?  
John: Which breast can I touch. I want a final decision.  
Elizabeth: The right.  
John takes the felt tip and writes writes "ok" on her right breast.  
Elizabeth starts laughing.  
Elizabeth: That is why you are so successful. Good problem solving.  
John: That is why I am so successful.  
Elizabeth: Is that permanent ink?  
John: Hope not. Hope I won't need breast identification for too long.

* 


	9. September 16 Monday: Cherry Hill Picnic

Early morning. Light but before the sun comes up. They are lying in bed. John is nude. Elizabeth has on one of John's t-shirts. John kisses her. Pulls up her t-shirt. Exposes her right breast. Strokes it. Leans down kisses her breast. Takes her nipple in his mouth, bites her gently.  
Elizabeth opens her eyes. Looks down at her breast, the t-shirt pulled up.  
Elizabeth: What were you doing?  
John: You said I could kiss your breast today.  
Elizabeth: I didn't say you could bite my nipple.  
John: That is normally included with the kissing.  
Elizabeth. No it is not. That has to be negotiated separately.  
John: It most certainly is included.  
Elizabeth starts laughing.  
John: Ask me.  
Elizabeth: No. I'm getting up and I am taking a shower and I am getting dressed. You can fix me breakfast while I am in the shower.  
John: You are not getting up yet. I need a little more time kissing this breast.  
He kisses her lips, then kisses her breast. Licks the nipple. Moves back up to her lips, strokes her breast with his hand, takes her nipple between his thumb and forefinger, pinches her nipple.  
Elizabeth: Ouch. that hurts.  
John: Good hurt? Bad hurt?  
Elizabeth: In the middle. Hurts but is a little arousing.  
John: Ask me.  
Elizabeth: I want to have a picnic in Central Park and I want to read you the next part of my journal.  
John kisses her again, cups her breast in hand.  
John: When do I get to touch the other breast? It is going to be one at a time or do I get both next?  
Elizabeth: What do you think?  
She gets up and goes into the bathroom, shuts the door. He hears the shower begin running.  
John lies there on the bed laughing.  
John: What am I going to do with you?

*

They are in Central Park. Cherry Hill. The Bow Bridge beyond. As they walk up to the hill Elizabeth sees two white parasols, a gingham blanket, blue pillows. Two big straw picnic baskets. A bucket with two champagnes. A large card that says "Gray."  
Elizabeth: When did you arrange this?  
John: This morning while you were in on the shower.  
John: Do you like it?  
Elizabeth goes over to the picnic basket. Kneels down on the blanket. Opens the baskets. Inside is a small table cloth. Elizabeth begins taking things out. Putting them out on the cloth. Bread, cheese, olives, nuts, peaches, strawberries, grapes and apples. Chocolates. Sliced meats. John lies down on his side across from her.  
John: Don't say I didn't warn you.  
Elizabeth: You said that to me when you wrapped the shawl around me the day you gave it to me. I didn't know what it meant then. I didn't know what you mean now.  
John: You didn't? You didn't know what I meant?  
Elizabeth: I didn't. No I didn't.  
John: I meant I will pay attention to you, I will do things that please you and I will give you things you want but can't get or won't get for yourself, special things like this shawl. I was warning you that you would find me irresistible because I would take care of you, good care of you.  
Elizabeth: So later when you wanted to feed me and bathe me and dress me, I was supposed to understand that your giving me the shawl was the warning for all that?  
John: Yeah. That's what I meant.  
John: How did you take it?  
Elizabeth: I didn't get it. I just didn't get it. Don't say I didn't warn you. I thought well you didn't warn me so I could say that.  
John: What?  
Elizabeth: You hadn't warned me of anything so I could say you hadn't warned me but you were saying that I couldn't say that you didn't warn me, but I could. Because you didn't, you hadn't. It was a little obscure. You should have said. "Take this shawl as a warning I am going to do extravagant wonderful things to please you and I'm going to take care of you and you won't be able to resist me.  
John: That would have been better?  
Elizabeth: Well it would have been easier for me to understand.  
John: Elizabeth, the shawl wasn't extravagant for me.  
Elizabeth: It was for me. If I had bought that shawl I wouldn't have been able to pay my rent. Or eat. One or the other.  
John: I knew that. You said it was the best present you ever got.  
Elizabeth: It was.  
John: The look on your face when you saw it when you realized I had gotten it for you, that it was yours, you got this soft sweet look, your look made it the best present I ever gave. You loved it. I wanted you to love me the way you loved that shawl.  
Elizabeth looks down. Strokes the shawl. Crawls over and kisses him. I love this shawl. I loved it the day I saw it and I loved it the day you gave it back to me. And I started to love you the way I loved the shawl. It was awful that I lost both of you at the same time.  
John: But now you can have us both back.  
Elizabeth: Well at least the shawl. Thank you. Thank you for keeping. it. For buying it. Will you let me feed you.  
John: Grapes. You can feed me grapes. Are there any figs? Dates.  
Elizabeth: No figs no dates. But cheese and strawberries. Grapes.  
She begins feeding him the grapes. The strawberries. Pours champagne for him. Hands him the glass.  
John: You aren't going to hold the glass for me.  
Elizabeth: You need to hold your own glass and feed yourself. I was going to get my journal.  
John: You are determined to do this.  
Elizabeth: Yes.  
John: Okay.  
He takes a long drink of champagne. Finishes the glass. Refills it and drinks the second also. Puts a strawberry in his mouth lies down on his back. Puts his arms under his head, looks up at the sky.  
John: Okay.  



	10. Elizabeth's Journal 3 : Coney Island

Elizabeth reads

_Coney Island Some kids disheveled mismatched kids 7 of them come up to us and they wanted to get him to pay them $5.00 for one of the kids to fart the theme from Jaws. They amused him, he enjoyed them, entertained him. He was easy with them. He negotiated the price down to a dollar. There was no performance only a single fart and the kids ran with the dollar and he laughed. And pretended to chase them . And then he ran after me singing with dums (dum dum dumdumdum) the theme from Jaws. And I am running away and he catches me and he is laughing. And the way he grabs me for a second, I think he is going to throw me over his shoulder in a fireman carry. But he doesn't, he just grabs me and I kiss him. And it is a delicious kiss, he tastes good to me. The first sign. The kids please him. I please him. The day pleases him. And he is having fun and I think this man is so easy to be with. Playful. With me. With the kids. Easy with kids. This man would be a wonderful father._


	11. Monday September 16: John's Reaction to Coney Island

Elizabeth stops reading looks down at John who is still lying on his back. She gets a strawberry.  
Elizabeth: Open your mouth.  
She holds a strawberry to his mouth. He bites off all but the stem.  
John: You thought I would be a good father.  
Elizabeth: I did. Then. Before some of the other things happened. Were you?  
John: Not particularly. I like my children. Love them. I thought to myself recently there were three people I have really loved. You and my daughter and my son.  
Elizabeth: Not your wife. Not your parents.  
John: I respected my parents. Felt compassion for them. Felt a lot of tenderness toward my mom, six boys to raise. It wasn’t easy for her. My wife? No never her. I treated her well. I was kind to her. Respectful. I told you. But no. I never loved her. Do you have questions for me?  
Elizabeth: No. One I guess. Did you think about what it would have been like if we had had a child.  
John: Sometimes. When each of my children was born, I looked at her, my wife, and wondered how I would feel if you were there in the bed holding my child, our child.  
Elizabeth: How did you feel?  
John: Sad. Resigned.  
John: Did you think of that? What it would have been like to have my child?  
Elizabeth: When I left you my period didn't come for two months. I thought I was pregnant. After two months, I got a pregnancy test. I wasn't pregnant. The doctor said I was just stressed and that can cause missed periods. I was worried upset for the two months. I was torn. I thought I was going to have to go back to you and tell you I was pregnant. Or I thought I would just get an abortion and you would never know. I was missing you so much. I thought pregnancy would give me an excuse to go back to you. I could go back without taking the responsibility for choosing to go back. I could say oh I came back for the baby. But I didn't think you would be very happy about a baby. It would have interrupted your sex games. And you had just done the thing with the prostitute. You had crossed a line that couldn't be uncrossed.  
John: You thought you were pregnant? You didn't tell me? You thought of an abortion?  
Elizabeth: I had left you remember?  
He sits up, stands up, towers over her. Clearly angry. Looks down at her.  
Elizabeth: Don't hit me.  
John gets down on his knees.  
John: I'm not going to hit you. Of course I am not going to hit you. I am angry but I won't hit you.  
Elizabeth. You can still frighten me.  
John: I'm sorry.  
Elizabeth: Don't stand up and tower over me like that.  
John: I'm sorry.  
Elizabeth: What do you want to do? Do you want to take me back to the hotel?  
John: No.  
Elizabeth: Do you want to hear more.  
John: Not yet. I'm going to go for a short walk. Alone. Just stay here.  
He leaves. Walks over to the Bow Bridge. Walks to the center, looks down at the water. She can see him. She drinks a whole glass of champagne in one gulp. She watches him standing on the bridge

* 

He stands on the bridge for 25 minutes leaning on the railing just looking down into the water. Finally walks back to Elizabeth. Sits down on the blanket.  
John: Needed to do a little thinking. Alone.  
Elizabeth nods.  
Elizabeth makes a plate for him. One for herself. They eat silently. Both a little shaken.  
He pours the last of the first bottle of champagne for them. A half glass each. Opens the second bottle of champagne. Pours from it topping off their glasses.   
John: This might be difficult.  
Elizabeth: I thought it might be.  
John: They made us a nice lunch.  
Elizabeth: They did.  
John: I said I wanted to go on, but I think I'd like to take a break. Could we walk, down and over the bridge. Around the lake. Then Elizabeth I want to go back to the houseboat or to the hotel. I want a time before I hear more.   
Elizabeth gets out the chocolates. Doesn't offer to feed him. Just offers them. He takes one. Looks at her as if debating about feeding her. Puts the chocolate in his own mouth.  
Elizabeth: Okay. I would like to walk around the lake. Over the bridge and around the lake. I'd like to go to the Ladies Pavilion. It is so old fashioned.  
They sit for awhile quietly. John crawls over to her.  
John: May I put my head in your lap.  
Elizabeth: I'd like that.  
He puts his head in her lap. Looks up at her. She looks down at him. Leans over kisses him lightly.  
John: I could fall asleep here in your lap.  
He closes his eyes.  
Elizabeth: We could go for a walk later.  
They sit together that way for an hour. John falls asleep. Elizabeth looks at her phone. Strokes his hair, strokes his face gently from time to time. After an hour he awakens. Stretches. Sits up.   
John: How long was I asleep?  
Elizabeth: About an hour.  
John: Want to walk now?  
Elizabeth nods.  
John: Do you want anymore of this picnic? Fruit? Champagne?  
Elizabeth shakes her head. John calls the picnic company tells them they can come and pick things up. He stands, gives Elizabeth his hand. Pulls her up. They begin walking. Holding hands. Over the Bow Bridge. Around the lake. At the Women’s Pavilion they stop. A wedding has just finished. The pavilion is empty but still covered in white ribbons and flowers. The walk into it. Look out across the lake. Standing side by side. Close. Touching.  
John: Did you ever think about marrying me?  
Elizabeth: In a way I guess. Part of thinking about how good you were with the kids those funny kids who offered to perform the theme from Jaws, how easy you were, how relaxed you were, how good you were with them, was to think about you as a father, that was in my note. In a vague way I guess thinking about your being a father to our child or children, that would mean being married to you. And when after I left, when I thought I was pregnant. Did you think about marriage?  
John: At the time, no. I was caught up in the sex. Only later. After you had gone. I realized that loving you had marriage in there somewhere. I felt you were mine. That that feeling of she is mine, that marriage is the official form of that. When the nun said bless you and your wife, maybe she sensed that you were mine. Underneath it, I think marriage means that, she is mine. I'm hers.   
John: Would you ever consider marriage? Again, I mean.  
Elizabeth: If I did, I’d want to married here. In this pavilion.  
John: That could probably be arranged.

*

They are back at the hotel, sitting on the roof deck of the suite. Both are barefoot. John is on the lounge, Elizabeth is in the chair across from him.  
Elizabeth: Would you like me to suck your toes?  
John: As you wish.  
Elizabeth: Are you quoting Princess Bride. Are you thinking of being my Westley?  
John: I am your Westley.  
Elizabeth: The dread pirate Roberts more likely.  
Elizabeth: Could you hear the rest of that day from the journal? There is a part about the Ferris Wheel.  
John: No. I can't take anymore. Not the Ferris Wheel.  
Elizabeth:It isn't very long. And after that there is the part about when you blindfolded me when we had sex the first time. You might enjoy that part.  
John: If it gets late can I stay over.?  
Elizabeth: You can stay over.  
John: I would like to have a breast summit.  
Elizabeth: A what?  
John: I want to discuss your breasts. Or my access to them or my lack of access to them.  
Elizabeth: Okay.  
John: I can touch your right breast. I can kiss your right breast. I can pinch your right breast. But I can't bite your right breast.  
Elizabeth: Well that is negotiable. If you are gentle you can bite.  
John: How about sucking on your right nipple.  
Elizabeth: I guess that would be okay too.  
John: What about the left breast?  
Elizabeth: What are your thoughts?  
John: Well since I arranged this lovely picnic which you partially spoiled by bringing up upsetting things, I think you should allow me to at least touch your left breast and tomorrow let me kiss it and do as I like. I don't think it is fair to your left breast to prevent it from enjoying the pleasure of my caresses and my kisses.  
Elizabeth: You are only thinking of me and my breast's pleasure.  
John: Correct.  
Elizabeth: If you will listen to two more entries. The Ferris Wheel entry and the Blindfold and Ice entry okay.  
John: Okay.  
Elizabeth: We might get hungry later and I think we need more Ice Wine.  
John: Two bottles of Ice Wine. Some sandwiches? A meal? Coffee.  
Elizabeth. Sandwiches. Eggplant for me if they have eggplant sandwiches. And maybe some chocolates.  
John: Why don't they have a house phone up here?  
John goes down the stairs and calls room service. Orders two more bottles of Ice Wine. Sandwiches. Coffee. Elizabeth follows him down and gets her journal. Elizabeth puts on a sweater.  
John gets his blazer. They go back up to the deck with Ice Wine and glasses.  
John: They will just put the food on the table downstairs. We won't need to let them in. Okay I'm ready. Do your worst.


	12. Elizabeth's Journal 4: Ferris Wheel

Elizabeth reads

 _But before that this other thing happened. He put me on the Ferris wheel and he wouldn't go up with me and then when I was at the top he had the operator stop it. Me alone at the very top. And he said to the operator "Lets go get a cup of coffee" and then he waved up to me. “See you later.” They walked off a little way. I was screaming and I called him a pig. And I said I hated him and he just laughed. And then he came back and when they brought me down and I got off I started after him, to hit him and I was running after him with 10 balloons in one hand trying to hit him with the other hand. I chased him and he stayed just out of reach, running backwards. Dodging me effortlessly. Weaving away from me. I never got close to hitting him. And all the time he was laughing. And finally I started laughing too. All the time he was having fun. He was enjoying being chased. He was like a dancer. The way he moved. So agile. So balanced. So graceful. But fast. And he finally let me get close and he gathered me up in his arms and he let me kiss him and I said how did you do all that running backwards and moving and dodging me like that and he told me he was a boxer in college and that he was only beaten once when a girl in the audience winked at him and he lost his concentration, his focus and he got knocked out. He said the girl_  
_looked like me. But he seems to be joking. But the Ferris wheel scared me. Like he scared me at the houseboat. Why does he scare me? It's on purpose. I know it is._


	13. Monday September 16: John's Reaction to Ferris Wheel

John: It was on purpose. Sometimes I act like a kid. I was acting like a fifth grade boy. If you had pigtails, I would have pulled them. I was worse then. I'm still that way. Is that your question?  
Elizabeth: No my question was did you plan it?  
John: Of course not. We were walking by and I thought I would scare you. I thought it would be fun to scare you. That I would enjoy it. The way little boys like to scare little girls by chasing them with spiders or snakes, sometimes frogs work too. It was immature. And it went better than I thought. You chased me and you kissed me and I got to hold you in my arms again. I found the Ferris wheel very satisfying. Your were safe up there. I had fun with you. More fun than with any other woman. That was a great day for me. The way you looked in that floppy hat. I loved that day. I loved your chasing me and I loved running away from you and I loved teasing you. I loved making you chase me.  
Elizabeth: One more and then bed.  
John: Can you read the next part in bed.  
Elizabeth: Okay. I'm getting cold even in my sweater. Let's go down.  
John: Sure. of course.  
As they go down the steps there is a soft knock at the door. John goes to the door, lets room service in. They arrange a white cloth on the table, put the plates of sandwiches on it, two bottles of Ice Wine, coffee thermos and cups. Cream and Sugar. John tips room service and closes the door.  
John: Do you want some food. Wine?  
Elizabeth: Wine. Put mine by the bed. No food . Not hungry yet.  
John: At the houseboat you slept on my left. ~~Well passed-out on my left.~~ Do you want to sleep on the left here.  
Elizabeth: The left is fine. Either side.  
Elizabeth: I am going to take a quick shower.  
She showers, comes out in a white robe. John is sitting in a chair with his phone, he watches her take off the towel and dress in her nightgown.  
John: Are you coming to bed with wet hair.  
Elizabeth: I was. I can put a towel on the pillow.  
John: Come here I'll dry it. Bring me the hair dryer. Sit down on the floor in front of me.  
Elizabeth: No handcuffs, no tying me up. No.  
John: Of course not.  
John dries her hair.

John undresses completely. They get into bed. Sit back against the headboard. Elizabeth on his left.  
Elizabeth: Ready?  
John: Ready.  
John: Can I touch your breasts while you are reading?  
Elizabeth: No. Wait til I am done.  
John: That is disappointing.  
Elizabeth: If you say one more thing, you have to put your shorts on and go sit in the chair over there across from the bed. I mean it.  
John: I will be on my best behavior.


	14. Elizabeth's Journal 5: Dali's Melting Clock

Elizabeth reads:

_Sex. Something more than sex. What he does. Beyond sex. Something more sensual than sex. Nothing like the sex I've ever had before. He said take off your dress. He said may I blindfold you. He said you can ask me to leave. He blindfolds me and comes up in front of me. I can feel his breath on my cheek. He takes my hands holds them down at my sides, laces his fingers in mine holds me against him whispers to me does this frighten you. Someone's voice says yes. My voice? Does this excite you he asks? A voice says yes. My voice. His voice says. It excites me too. He pushes me back. He is in control. He is over me, beside me. I can't see anything but I feel his warmth. He takes his time. I hear the rattle of the ice cubes in his glass. He is unhurried. He does not rush. My body is a country he is exploring. Inch by inch. Touching me slowly. Dripping the water with the vodka and the barest taste of lemon into my mouth. On to my lips. Dripping ice cold water onto my chest. He is dropping the ice water onto my abdomen letting the water run down on to my legs, between my legs. Ice cold water. Opening my shirt. His hands on my breasts warm. The ice cube on my breasts so cold. My body begins to seek out his hands, arching against them. Wanting more from him. I couldn't see him but I knew he was watching me with that smile. That interested, slightly amused smile. My body amuses him. Not in a way of making him laugh but in a way of pleasing him. He puts an ice cube in his mouth. I hear it. I hear everything. I feel everything. He is sucking on the ice cube. Holding the ice cube in his mouth. Taking it out. He touches my breasts my nipple with the ice cube he had in his mouth. I can't see but I know. Drips the ice water into my navel, begins to explore between my legs. His warm hands, the ice. I am melting. Not like the ice melts. But melting in a different way. I am becoming one of Dali's clocks. My shape is changing. Beneath his hands. He is changing me. I am melting into him. He is making me part of him. I can't get close enough to him. Dali said his clocks were like melted cheese. I am time melted. I want this to never end but want him to hurry. Beg him. Please. Now. Please. But he won't. He whispers not yet. Not yet. You are not ready. Not as ready as I want you. Continues his exploration. Continues touching me with his warm hands and with the cold ice. I cannot bear it. Can't you see I am melted. A melted clock. Time is up. Please now. And then finally, he asks now? Are you sure now? And he takes my hands and holds them above my head and it is now. And now. And he has melted me. And taken me. But the next day I am still melted. All day I am a Dali clock. And time is all off. He has melted me he has melted time. Will I see him again. Was this all he wanted was to melt me and leave me._


	15. Monday September 16: John's Reaction to Dali's Melting clock

John: You cannot read me that.  
He begins crying.  
Elizabeth: I don't really have any questions tonight.  
John gets up out of bed.  
John: I'm going on the deck to do some thinking. Don't wait up for me. I may be awhile.   
He pulls on his jeans and t shirt and goes up to the deck. 


	16. Tuesday September 17: A Bowstring Drawn Back

John is not in the bed when she awakens. He is sitting in the chair across from the bed. In his jeans and t-shirt. Bare feet.  
John: Why didn’t you stop me?  
Elizabeth: I couldn’t. I didn’t know how. It was like the blindfold. If I said no to it you would have left. If I said no, really said no, to anything you would leave me. End it. I was addicted to you.  
Elizabeth: Last night. What made you cry?  
John: Um, remembering how it began with you, what it was like. I thought I could do anything with you, to you and you would accept it. I thought you were under my spell. And I cried because what I did made me lose you. And listening to that what you wrote, remembering how we began. How I was for you, how you were for me. I had a bad night.  
Elizabeth: Did you sleep up on the deck.  
John: I stayed up there. I didn’t sleep much.  
John: I don’t think I can do this, I’m sorry.   
Elizabeth: Come back to bed.  
John: I’m dressed.  
Elizabeth: Undress.  
John: You are asking me to undress. Are you going to undress?  
Elizabeth: Yes. Reading my journal last night made me remember too  
John: Made us both remember.  
Elizabeth: Is it too early to have Ice Wine?  
John: Not for us.  
Elizabeth: I want Ice Wine for breakfast and for you to come back to bed and make love to me.  
John: I can manage that.  
John pours the wine in a glass, hands it to her, puts the bottle next to the bed. Takes off his t-shirt. His jeans. Crawls on to the bed.  
John: Take off your nightgown.  
Elizabeth takes off her nightgown, hands it to him. He drops it on the floor next to the bed. Kisses her slowly, pushes her back on the bed. Draws back.  
John: A melting clock?  
Elizabeth: A melting clock.  
John: Might need a blindfold and ice cubes for a melting clock.

*

They are lying in bed. Elizabeth on her left side. John on his side behind her. Nestled together. His right arm across her. Lightly resting on her breast. He moves his hand up to her neck, lifts her hair, kisses her neck. She stirs. Opens her eyes. Scoots a little ways away from him. Rolls over on her back. He is still on his side. Looks down at her.  
John: Good morning. Almost afternoon.  
Elizabeth: I feel like a melted clock.  
John: I looked up Dali last night when I was on the deck. I saw pictures of his paintings of the melted clocks. He said he thought of cheese.  
Elizabeth: Yes cheese. That was in the part of the journal I read you last night. Cheese. He actually said Camembert cheese.  
John: When I made love to you, I made you feel like melted Camembert cheese.  
Elizabeth: No a melted clock.  
John: If a clock could melt like cheese.  
Elizabeth: That time I felt like I was melting as you touched me but not melting like ice melts. I didn’t feel like melting ice. It was different.  
John: If I had asked to read your journal then, would you have let me?  
Elizabeth: I did anything you wanted then didn’t I?  
John: I would have liked reading it.  
Elizabeth: Do you remember that night. How you felt. After the blindfold.  
John: Of course I remember. At first I felt curious. I wanted to know how you would respond to me. To my touch. I was experimenting. I would touch your breast with the ice, your nipple with ice, and watch how you moved. How you put your head back, opened your mouth, arched your back. I was relaxed at first, thinking what I wanted to do next, where I wanted to touch you. You said you amused me. You did. And you pleased me. You interested me. I was just very interested. But the more aroused I made you, the more aroused I became.  
Elizabeth: What did it feel like?  
John: You want an image, like the clock?  
Elizabeth: Yes.  
John: As I got more excited, I felt like a bowstring pulled all the way back. An arrow slotted on the string. I was the bow, the string, the arrow.  
John: Dali painted more than one clock. One of his clock paintings is at the Metropolitan Museum. The name of it is The Persistence of Memory. Is that the one you thought of.  
Elizabeth: Maybe. In art school we made fun of Dali. One of my instructors used to say with complete disdain "Dali is shit." So it is a little ironic that that is the image that came to me with you. There is another Dalí image The Burning Giraffe that I thought of with you.  
John: This Dali clock painting, did you remember the name of it.  
Elizabeth: No. Not until you said it. Persistence of Memory.  
John: Persistence of memory. The memory of you persisted. For me.  
Elizabeth: You for me too.  
John: We could go to the Met. The clock painting is there.  
Elizabeth: I've never actually seen it.  
John: Let me take you to The Met. And then, I'll cook dinner for you at the houseboat tonight.  
Elizabeth: You don't have to take me to The Met. We can just go together.  
Elizabeth: There is something else there I want to see if we go. If it’s on display.  
John: What?  
Elizabeth: An Eros and Psyche sculpture by Antonio Canova.  
John: Why?  
Elizabeth: I missed you. I dated. I had sex with a few men. It wasn't much fun. In preparing for my classes I came across works, paintings and sculpture of Eros, Eros and Psyche and I thought they were like us. I know what Eros as a lover would be like. I thought he would be like you.  
John: Me?  
Elizabeth: You were Eros, sexual love, for me. Eros was the god of love. Psyche was a mortal woman he accidentally fell in love with. He pricked himself with one of his own arrows which made him fall in love with her. Eros has arrows that have a love potion on the tip. You fell in love with me accidentally. You didn't mean to. But even though Eros was in love with her, he kept her in the dark. He would only come to see her at night, have sex with her only at night in the dark.  
John: Was she blindfolded?  
Elizabeth: No, just he came when it was dark, he came in the dark. He wouldn’t let her know who he really was. One night after he made love to her and he was sleeping, she lit a candle to see what he looked like, who he was. He had forbidden her to see him. A drop of wax fell on him and he woke up and saw her gazing down at him. He was furious and because she had seen him he left her. Because she disobeyed him.  
John: It isn't the same. You left me.  
Elizabeth: You kept me in the dark. You were my lover, you were such a good lover, but you wouldn’t let me see you. Know you. That part is the same. You didn't intend to fall in love with me. You accidentally did. That is the same.  
John: I was willing to show you who I was. At the end when you were leaving me. You said it was too late.  
Elizabeth: We were like Eros and Psyche.  
John: I don’t think we were.  
Elizabeth: You were my Eros. Interesting don't you think that but you use the bow and arrow to describe your arousal. How you felt. Bows, arrows, like Eros. If the sculpture is there you can see how you felt to me.  
John: Eros and Psyche. What happened to them after he left her?  
Elizabeth: She had to go through all these trials to get him back and she finally fell into a death sleep during the last trial and he came and rescued her.  
John: I would come and rescue you.  
Elizabeth: I know you would. Like Eros and Psyche.  
John: Is that the end?  
Elizabeth: She had worked so hard to get Eros back to be with him loved him so much that Zeus took pity on her and a big banquet was held by the gods for them and they get married and she is made immortal.   
John: Good ending.  
Elizabeth: Yeah, but right now, I want to talk more about the ice-cubes and blindfold time.  
John: Okay. What else do you want to know?  
Elizabeth: Do you remember, can you remember what you thought, then? About me? The sex? Was it what you thought. What you wanted?  
John: Of course I remember. The persistence of memory. You were better. Much better. But it wasn’t just the sex with you, it was everything with you. Being with you was better than I imagined it would be. The Ferris Wheel, the kids. Your laugh. Your anger. Your stubbornness. Your softness. Your shyness. Your temper. You playfulness.  
Elizabeth: Then what happened?  
John: You know what happened. Come on, I’m starving. I’m going to call and have them bring us some breakfast. A huge breakfast. And no more Ice Wine for you. You could become an Ice Wine abuser  
Elizabeth: You can't tell me how much Ice Wine I can have. You can't tell me how much of anything I can have. I'll have as much Ice Wine as I want. Enjoying something isn't abusing it.  
John: That has always been my position.  
John: I need a shower. I will need to change clothes so I need to go to the houseboat.  
Elizabeth: I want to read you everything from the journal. I've read you three entries.  
John: Five. Be precise with numbers, Elizabeth.  
Elizabeth: Okay five.  
John: Did you have sex with me because I said I couldn’t go on. With your journal.  
Elizabeth: Maybe. A little.  
John: So if you withdraw or withhold sex, all I have to do is say I can’t go on, that I can't listen to this journal any more, and you’ll have sex with me to get me to continue.  
Elizabeth shrugs: It worked once.

*

They are at the houseboat.  
John is on the phone. He gets off the phone.  
John: The Dali is not on display right now but if we can get there by 4:00, we can see it. I know someone. Your Eros and Psyche is on loan to a museum in Toronto. I can take you there. To Toronto. But for the Dalí, we can have our own special private little viewing. We can spend a half hour with it. We can see a couple of his other works too. Is that something you want to do?  
Elizabeth: How did you arrange that?  
John: Who you know sweetheart. And what you donate to.  
Elizabeth: I'm impressed. Yes of course. I would like to see that.  
John: It is for me as much as you. I have been making love to a melting clock. Now what about this Burning Giraffe. It says it is in a collection at the Kunstmuseum in Basel Switzerland? Shall we go see it next?  
Elizabeth: Where did you live in Switzerland?  
John: I was in Geneva. I'll take you there if you like. It's beautiful. Cool clean.  
Elizabeth: Let's wait till we get to the Burning Giraffe part of my journal. If we get to the Burning Giraffe part of my journal.  
John: It's a public painting Elizabeth if I want to see it I can.  
Elizabeth: John, lets just go through my journal and see where we are at the end. Things are nice now, but maybe things will somehow run parallel. It was nice at the beginning, but the end wasn't nice. Let's see how it goes.  
John: You are thinking you aren't going to give me a choice are you? You didn't give me a choice at the end when you just left me.  
Elizabeth: A choice when I just left you? What? John, you had raped me, you were having sex with a prostitute in front of me. You left welts on my legs and ass with your precious riding crop. You handcuffed me.  
John: Calm down. Just calm down. I never raped you.  
Elizabeth: No? Well what is your definition of rape?  
John: Calm down.  
Elizabeth: Calm down? I am trying to stay calm. I came back here to understand what happened. I thought you agreed to talk it through with me.  
John: I have arranged this nice experience for us. Can't we just enjoy it? If we are going to go through the things that happened at the end, can we wait til we get there. The beginning was good.  
Elizabeth: You were charming, tender, so polite at the beginning. So sensual. So good at the beginning. But later...  
John: Elizabeth, do you think I would ever let you leave me again?

*

The are at The Met looking at Dali's The Persistence of Memory.  
John: I don't think I understand it.  
They are in a small viewing room. A woman in her 30's with thick glasses and white cotton gloves is with them, black disheveled hair.  
John: How far back should we stand?  
Woman: 5 feet is fine. You can come close to it if you like, but don't breathe on it. And don't under any circumstances touch it.  
John: What does it mean?  
John to Elizabeth: Does this remind you of when we bought the bed at Bloomingdale’s?  
Elizabeth tries not to laugh.  
John to the woman in the gloves: What do you think it means?  
Woman: Well it could be Time is Relative. But when Dali was asked specifically if the watches were inspired by Einstein's Theory of Relativity, Dalí replied that the soft watches were inspired not by the Theory of Relativity, but by the surrealist perception of a Camembert melting in the sun.  
John: Do you ever feel like that? Like those watches.  
Woman: Certainly not. I can't imagine anyone feeling like that.  
John: Well a woman might if she felt her lover's touch was melting her wouldn't she?  
Elizabeth sputters, turns away.  
Woman: What do you mean?  
John: What is that thing the clock is draped over. Is that a melted person?  
Woman: There has been speculation that it is Dali himself. He has called it a monster but he has used similar figures to represent himself in other paintings. The figure may have some association to the work The Garden of Earthly Delights by Hieronymus Bosch in which Dali was quite interested. Some critics have linked the figure to the male organ.  
John: Oh. The male organ. The clock then would have draped itself over the male organ.  
Woman: No one I know of has said that exactly.  
John: Where could we see this Garden of Earthly Delights. I think I might like to see that... since Dali was influenced by it of course.  
Woman: It is in Madrid at the Prado. I don't know if it is on display, but you may know someone as you did here who would get you special treatment and arrange for a private viewing for you and your wife.  
John: Perhaps I might. Elizabeth, is there anything else? Any questions you have?  
Elizabeth: No thank you very much for showing this to us   
Woman: Yes, thank you. The other piece that I recommend you see is The Disintegration of the Persistence of Memory if you can as it is so close. It is in Florida, St. Petersberg.  
John: Yes we will definitely try to see that. Thank you.  
Woman: Not at all. I'll call someone to see you out.

*

John and Elizabeth are back at the houseboat.  
John: In that journal of yours is there anything about the Garden of Earth Delights.  
Elizabeth: Earthly Delights. No there isn't.  
John: Well I must say I am pretty disappointed in you, Elizabeth. We can share it now of course. Here it is on my phone. Is this it?  
Elizabeth: That's it.  
John: Well he was a bit degenerate wasn't he.  
Elizabeth: No more than you.  
John: No more than me?  
Elizabeth shrugs.  
John: Now beautiful Elizabeth, what can I make you for dinner. A romantic dinner after which I will make romantic love to you. I will create a garden of earthly delights for you.  
Elizabeth: You should probably spend a little more time with Bosch's work before you start making those kinds of offers.  
John: For dinner you can have Creamy Shrimp Risotto with Mascarpone or Truffled Bay Scallops with Celery Puree. Which do you prefer?  
Elizabeth: I like both, but Risotto is hard to resist. You can make Risotto?  
John: Of course I can make risotto.  
Elisabeth: Then I choose the risotto though celery puree does sound interesting.  
John: Next time.  
Elizabeth: You asked me if the curator reminded me in a way of the woman at Bloomingdale's when you bought the bed. She did.  
John: At least I didn't make you lie down and spread your legs.  
Elizabeth: But you had to tease her about the male organ.  
John: I was teasing you.  
Elizabeth: In the beginning I loved you so much.  
John: You still love me. You never stopped. I am going to give you a Garden of Earthly Delights.  
Elizabeth: You just like how it sounds.

They are standing at the sink in the houseboat doing the dishes from the dinner.

Elizabeth: Did you want to be a chef?

John: It is a hard job professional chef, lots of pressure. Owning a restaurant is a tough business, small margin for profit. It’s not a good profession. Being amateur is better. Cook at home. Best ingredients. Get a good stove. Make whatever you want. Experiment.

Elizabeth: I mean this. It is not flattery. That was the best risotto I have ever had.

He kisses her.

John: We aim to please.

They finish the dishes.

John: What is your pleasure, bed? The sofa. Some music. A walk. Sit outside. Some nice comfortable sex.

Elizabeth: Could I read the next entry in the journal. I only have a couple of questions.

John: I think I want to prolong the beginning, because I am worried about what it is going to be like when we get the difficult things. I think it is going to be difficult to keep my word. I will but it is going to be difficult.

Elizabeth: Don't you think that the end part should be difficult.

John: Maybe.

Elizabeth: There were some things though, fun times. Remember when I danced for you. And when you fed me all that stuff - peppers and cough syrup.

John: I remember the honey. And the clock tower.

Elizabeth: And the rain. The steps in the rain.

John: The steps in the rain. Lets go to bed and talk about the steps in the rain. I don't know how we got home, I don't know how I managed to keep you from getting pneumonia.

Elizabeth: There was a lot of good. There was some balance.

John: If it was balanced enough, you wouldn't have left.

Elizabeth: Maybe if I had been stronger I wouldn't have left. But you would say to me, "Elizabeth I don't want to negotiate with you", and you would start to unfasten your belt and I would be terrified. Or furious. How could you do that?

John: I will talk about it. I will, I promise but wait a little. I'm not ready.

Elizabeth: Can I read you this part.

John: Then some music, then bed. Do you want a glass of Ice Wine. I have some cherry brownies they have an orange liquor in them.

Elizabeth: I thought I was doing a forced abstinence from Ice Wine.

John: I thought you weren't.

Elizabeth: I want Ice Wine a big glass and a cherry brownie please and I will read this part.

John goes and gets the wine and the brownies. They settle on each end of the couch. 


	17. Elizabeth's Journal 6: The Watch

Elizabeth reads 

_He invited me to his penthouse this afternoon._

_He lives atop the Piano Building. It's beautiful up there. His Penthouse._

_He said, with that smile he has, enigmatic, amused, sort of self-mocking, I used to live in hotels but I like to cook._

_Is that next? Cooking for me?_

_He has four TVs. In a big tall chrome cart with other electronics. Two TVs in one row and two in another row. The cart is full of stereo equipment. He adjusts dials. Things slide in and out with his touch. He played some soft music._

_Make yourself at home._

_No one makes themselves at home here._

_Could anyone really make themselves at home. It is not that kind of place._

_The room is gray and chrome and shiny black. And no rugs and no pictures. It's beautiful. Like a gallery is beautiful. Full of empty space. Open and cold. Cool. Almost cold. Nothing there. An ice bucket. A glass. One glass. A chair like a bat that is about to take flight. A dip in the middle, leather pillowed wings on each side. Trying to make itself into something to sit on. Or trying to turn itself into something that cannot be sat on. I perch on it in the middle frightened it will suddenly toss me off. It all seems very sophisticated and I feel a like a country girl that just came in on the bus. But I remind myself I work in an art gallery, I'm not a country bumpkin. I work in a prestigious gallery. Another chair is against a wall. An elongated chair laddering its way up probably unsuitable for sitting. Certainly not comfortable._

_Who could be at home here? Where? Where would I be at home? Maybe his bed. In his bed._

_He says I brought you a present._

_I say bring it to me._

_He says no I like to watch you move._

_So I have to go to get my present so he can watch me move. I know he is telling me, I am there for his pleasure._

_Red paper white ribbon. A box. Open it, he orders but he smiles his sweet slightly amused smile. Always something polite under his words. Maybe something under the politeness._ _I don't care._

_He holds his arm around me while I open it. His head touches my hair. His breath is on my cheek. I smell his hair, the soap he uses._

_Inside the box is a watch. A beautiful gold wrist watch. An expensive gold watch. A Cartier watch._

_He says people used to be hypnotized by the sound of ticking. I listen I hear the watch ticking. I put it on._

_He says, can I ask you a question?_

_Yes_

_Will you do do something for me?_

_Yes_

_Everyday at twelve o'clock will you think of me touching you._

_Not think of me. No. Not think of me. But think of me touching you. It is all sexual for him. Underneath in back of the play, after the children and the Ferris wheel and balloons and the linguine lunch and the wine and the shawl, he is waiting to touch me. I am to remember his touching me. Not his touch. His touching me. His act of touching me. Because it is sex with me. Because he is interested in me as a plaything. His sexual plaything. And I don't care. He gives me a watch. An expensive present. But he gave himself my time._

_The 12:00 time. My 12:00 is now his. It is not my watch. It is his. My time belongs to him. Will you do something for me. He is a spider. He is slowly slowly wrapping me in this silk cocoon of sexual desire for him. He is a spider. I am his fly. Everyday at 12:00 I will think of him touching me._


	18. Tuesday September 17: John Reacts to The Watch

John: You thought I was a spider.

Elizabeth: You don't think you were a spider. 

John: I thought I was awakening you sexually. I thought I was giving you pleasure. You said you loved me. In the rain on the stairs. You said I love you I love you I love you.

Elizabeth: And you know when you said I love you. When you were trying to get me to accept your prostitute touching me. Touching you. Fucking you. You fucking her. Twice you said to me I love you that day. Once on the phone and once in the room. It wasn't love it was manipulation. You said it. And it wasn't even true. 

Elizabeth: My plants died. I couldn't think. I was in a trance from you. A sexual trance. Don't play you didn't know. You couldn't even walk over and give me my gift. I had to walk across the room so you could watch me move. You couldn't even give me a gift without sexualizing the gift. The watch was a gold handcuff. It handcuffed me to you before you ever put handcuffs on me. Not a gift. A payment in advance. And you bought one hour or was it two. I always got confused was it supposed to be noon and midnight or did I get to choose. I decided it would be noon because the other is really 02400 hours. But I never asked. I thought I should just figure it out. 

John: Shh. shhhh. Calm down. I made mistakes, Elizabeth. I am not arguing everything I did was right. I wanted you sexually. You excited me. I didn't hide it. I seduced you with words and gifts. I didn't kidnap you. You gave me your permission. I asked you. Would you do this for me. And you said yes. 

Elizabeth: I wanted you to love me. You opened me up, laid me open. I was like O, I was. What was it going to be after the prostitute, your friend from the houseboat. Hey pal, try her out. I've enjoyed her, you can too.

John: No. No. Never that. Why didn't you say no to me? Why didn't you say stop?

Elizabeth: I did say stop. At the end. Because before I thought it was your way or nothing. You would count to 50. I had to give in or leave. One, two, three... Decide, Elizabeth, the taxi is waiting. You are stuffing my clothes into a bag. Or you would leave. You said the first night. May I blindfold you, may I, you are always so polite. What if I don't want you to. Ask me to leave. Not even I will leave. Always the gentleman. You can ask me to leave. It’s on you. The gentleman who would lose his temper and rape me. 

John: Stop saying that. I didn't rape you. I was rough. The time after you snooped through my things. I was angry, yes I was rough, I forced you but then you wanted me. You wanted the sex.

Elizabeth: John you raped me. 

John (annoyed): I thought this entry was going to be from the beginning when things were still good. What questions do you have?

Elizabeth: If this is too difficult for you, I call call an Uber or a Lyft. I can go back to the hotel.

John: No. Please stay.

Elizabeth: Why didn't you just hand me the present? 

John: Because watching you move excited me. I liked the feeling. I wanted the feeling. I couldn't get enough of the feeling. I couldn’t get enough of you. I don't think it was so wrong. Should you have said bring the present to me? Bring me my present? I didn't think I was doing anything wrong. I thought it pleased you how much I desired you.

Elizabeth: I wanted you to love me.

John: I did.

Elizabeth: Not then, you didn't love me. I was your plaything. I wasn't even your playmate. I was your plaything.

John: You were everything.

Elizabeth: No I wasn't. I wasn't everything. I didn't feel like everything. I felt like if I didn't please you, you would throw me away and be on to the next one who would let you give her a shawl or buy her a bracelet. 

John: I bought you a watch.

Elizabeth: So you could manipulate me. 

John (angry): STOP IT. STOP IT. I lost you. I needed you. I needed you sexually as much as you needed me. You were addicted to the sex? Your plant died? I was addicted to sex with you. I thought about you, sex with you, all the time. I stayed in control. Better than you. I am good at control. But I loved you and you left me. I wanted you. More than sex, everything. I paid for what I did my mistakes with you Elizabeth. The payment was you left me. What the fuck do you want? Why are you here? You read your little journal entries and you get to see me squirm or cry or get angry or defensive. You want to report me for rape? File a police report?

Elizabeth: I want to understand.

John: Understand what? How does this help you understand? Can't we just leave it. 

Elizabeth: I don't think so. 

John: What happened to the watch?

Elizabeth: In my purse. 

John: Why did you even keep it?

Elizabeth: Because you gave it to me. And because it was beautiful.

John: Go get it.

Elizabeth: No. Why? Are you going to take it back?

John: Elizabeth, go get the watch please. 

Elizabeth: Or what you'll unbuckle your belt, take off your belt?

John gets down on his knees in front of her. Takes her hands. Kisses her hands.

John: Elizabeth, please go get the watch. I am not going to take it back. 

Elizabeth: Are you going to throw it in the river? 

John laughs: No I am not going to throw it in the river. 

Elizabeth gets up, goes to her purse gets the watch brings it to the couch.

Elizabeth: Okay. Fine. Here it is. 

John: Give it to me. 

Elizabeth: No you are going to do something bad with it.

John: No I am not. Trust me. Please you can trust me. 

Elizabeth: Sometimes I could, sometimes I couldn't .

John: This time you can.

Elizabeth: Okay.

She hands him the watch.

John gets up, gets a carton of salt off the shelf in the cupboard. Gets the purple cloth that the nun had wrapped the bread in. He gets plastic wrap.

Elizabeth: What are you doing?

John: Shh. Can't you just be quiet for a minute.

John wraps the plastic around the watch. Pours a layer of salt on the purple cloth. Puts the watch in the plastic on the bed of salt. Pours the rest of the salt on top of the watch. Folds the purple cloth over the salt which is over the watch. Folds it neatly like a package. 

Elizabeth: Have you gone mad?

John: I think there is a spell or something my grandmother would have known. 

Elizabeth: What was she a witch or something. 

John: She said she was. I always believed her. The family believed her

John: Uh. Okay. Let’s see.

He holds the watch in its purple package up in the air

John: Maybe we should go outside. He walks out to the deck of the houseboat. Elizabeth follows him shaking her head.

Elizabeth: You promised not to throw it in the river. Stop.

John holds the watch package up toward the sky then down toward the river. 

John: By the night sky, by the river passing, by the moon we cannot see, by the great ocean that touches this river, this watch is made new. This watch begins its journey again free from the past. 

He takes the watch back inside. Elizabeth follows him.

Elizabeth: You have gone mad. John, you have really gone mad.

But she is laughing.

Elizabeth: You are a wall street guy. You own a company. You can't go around chanting on the deck of houseboats. John you have gone mad.

John: Sit down on the sofa.

She sits. 

John walks over to her, kneels down in front of her. 

John: Elizabeth, please except this newly purified watch as my gift to you with no strings attached. And I was wrong to give a gift with strings attached. When you are ready you can unwrap the watch.

Elizabeth: You are an idiot. There was a part of me that loved being desired that much by you.

John: I can't please you. Because you don't know what you want. 

Elizabeth: Tell me about this toil-and-trouble-eye-of-newt-wing-of-bat grandmother. And come to bed with me. And make love to me. 

John: No more questions?

Elizabeth: I'm afraid if I ask any more questions you'll take out a magic wand and turn me into Harry Potter or something. 


	19. Wednesday September 18: Can't We Forget the Journal Just Go On

They are in bed at the houseboat. Early light in the room. Gray light gradually lightening to pale blue. Elizabeth is up on one elbow, looking down at John.  
She leans down kisses him. He reaches up, sleepily pulls her down. Rolls on top of her. Puts his weight on his arms. Hold himself above her. Kisses her again. She has on one of his t-shirts. He pulls it up. Pushes himself against her, into her. Kisses her. Begins to move against her.  
John: All night, I’ve been thinking about the stairs in the rain. You half undressed in the rain. Fucking you on the steps. I couldn’t get enough of you then, especially that night. ~~I still can’t~~.

*

They are sitting at the dining table. John has cooked breakfast. They are finished eating. Still drinking coffee.  
John: Look, you came to talk about the time we were together. It’s painful. It’s difficult. We have feelings for each other. Let’s just go on. Isn’t that what you really want to do?  
Elizabeth: I have to talk about what happened.  
John: But the watch. It was a gift.  
Elizabeth: Didn't you hear anything I said yesterday?  
John: I did. I did.  
Elizabeth: Talking about it turned out well. We had sex. I learned something about your grandmother. You purified my watch. It turned out okay. Good.  
John: It was difficult for me Elizabeth.  
Elizabeth: Worth it?  
John sighs.  
Elizabeth: Not worth it?  
John: I just think it is going to get worse. And I like where things are. I’m risk aversive where you are concerned. We could go on, deal with things as they come up. Enjoy being together.  
Elizabeth: I want to go through the the journal together. It’s why I came. It’s what I want.  
John: I’m afraid what comes up will make you so angry, The you’ll decide it’s not worth it. Or that too much happened. Or I’m not worth it.  
Elizabeth: No one ever meant to me what you meant.  
John: Elizabeth, I don’t think we’ll make it if we go back through everything. Look it happened a long time ago. We are different. What do we gain?  
Elizabeth: You didn’t come to find me. You could have. I came to find you. I brought my questions. You can ask me to leave.  
John laughs.  
John: I don’t want you to leave.  
Elizabeth: Look you may really like some of what is in my journal.  
John: I thought I was going to like the watch part.  
Elizabeth: Don’t you feel talking about the watch the way we did brought us close, cleaned-up something that needed to be cleaned up.  
John: I thought what I did was a compliment. To you. To how much I desired you. I see the other side now too. A gift with strings.  
John: I need to go in to my office for a few hours. You can stay here if you like.  
Elizabeth: Aren't you afraid I'll go through your things?  
John: No.  
Elizabeth: Could you drop me at the hotel?  
John: Of course.  
Elizabeth: I'd like to do room service again tonight and I'd like to spend some time on the deck.  
John: I should be done by 3:30.  
Elizabeth: Then I'll read the entry after the watch. Maybe you'll like that one.  
John sarcastically: Can't wait.

*

They are sitting together on the upstairs deck. late afternoon. Bottle of wine on the table. Cheese and crackers, strawberries on the table.  
Elizabeth has her journal. She is wearing her shawl. And her watch.  
Elizabeth: I've had presents over the years. Been given presents. But these two are my favorites.  
John: Both from me. One recently purified.  
Elizabeth: One recently purified. My journal entry is about the watch. Well about what you asked for.  
John: Which you could have said no to.  
Elizabeth: But I wouldn't have said no. I didn't want to say no to you then. I didn't say no to anything then.  
John: Let's hear it.  
Elizabeth: First I want to show you a picture.  
She hands him her journal. In it is a picture of blonde women's face near a man's genital area a figure of a man and a sideways melting face.

John: Is it a Dali again?  
Elizabeth: Yes it's called The Great Masturbator.  
John: He named it that?  
Elizabeth: Yes. His is the face but I identify with the woman. I found a print and put it in my journal. Ready  
John: Ready.


	20. Elizabeth's Journal 7: 12:00 in the Slide Room

Elizabeth reads

_He is opening me. Pleasure. Lust. I didn't know before him._

_The watch._

_His watch. My watch. 12:00 now his time. The time that belongs to his touch. To his mouth. His hands. His hands on me. His mouth on me. A time that belongs to him. I belong to him. He doesn't need to claim me. I offer myself. My time belongs to him now. His time. My 12:00 belongs to him._

_Noon belongs to him. His touching me._

_12:00 every day. Noon not midnight. At midnight he is touching me. Or could if he wishes. In his bed more than my own. Always in his bed. At midnight he touches me if he wishes. Most nights._

_But at noon. I close my eyes. Imagine his hands. His mouth._

_12:00 I am in the slide review room with a carousel of slides I am supposed to go through them. Click. click. Think about a show. Who would we want? Some good combination of artists._

_It's dark. I'm alone. 12:00. He owns this time. Think of me touching you. He didn't say touch yourself. Touch yourself but think of me touching you. Touching your breasts. Between your legs. Me touching you. His mouth, his hand. Me touching you. You touch yourself and pretend you are me._

_The slides seem to go faster and faster._

_My orgasm with him is better than any from other men, from any of the men before him. How does he know what my body needs? What I need? A country he knows well. I touch myself the way he touches me._

_My touch is good, his touch is better. Imagine me touching you._

_What am I supposed to think about? How he strokes my breasts? His hand between my legs._

_I sit._

_Slide my hand inside my blouse. Stroke my breast, pinch one nipple, then the other. Make my nipples feel the way he makes them feel._

_It is dark no one comes in the door but it's unlocked._

_They are all at lunch. But the door is unlocked. Someone could come in._

_My hand between my legs. My legs up on the wall. I am leaning back pushing against the back of the chair as my fingers find the spot, the spot he knows so well now. I am thinking of his hand between my legs. His mouth between my legs. He'd like it that the door is unlocked. The danger. Touching myself. Risking someone coming in. Would he care if another man walked in. Saw me. Wanted me. I only want him._

_But he would like the risk, that I would take the risk. I know him. He likes the risk. His taking my hand pushing it between his legs, unzipping his pants, holding my hand inside and I feel him hardening. So hard. Thinking of my hand on him._

_But he said think of me touching you. Not you touching me. Stroking myself faster, coming with my hand, now I want to be with him. Lying next to him._

_Everyday am I supposed to find a place so I can touch myself and imagine him touching me?_

_Everyday tied to what he arouses in me. Tied to his touch._

_I am Dali's The Great Masturbator. He has made me the Great Masturbator. That is my face. My hair. My head. My mouth closing in to take the organ into my mouth. He is Dali imagining me at noon. Imagining his hands on me, his mouth on me. Imagining me imagining him touching me. I am his now._


	21. Wednesday September 18: John Reacts to the Slide Room

Elizabeth puts the journal down. Looks at John. 

John: I should have read your journal.

Elizabeth: Do you want to see the Dali piece again?

John: Yes.

Elizabeth hands him her journal. The Dali print.

John points to the woman.

John: This is how you saw yourself?

Elizabeth: Yes.

JOHN: That is how you felt. The way her face looks?

Elizabeth: Yes.

John: That is the way your face looks sometimes when we are having sex. When you are aroused but languid. That is how you look. Like that woman. Her hair. It looks like you. And the other. Is that supposed to be Dali? So that would be him or say me imagining you touching yourself or thinking of me. And that is supposed to be Dali's face.

Elizabeth: It is like he is thinking of her while he is masturbating. Thinking of her about to take him in her mouth, or someone, the male figure in front of her. I imagined it was you thinking of me masturbating. I mean your telling me to think of you touching me is a way of telling me to masturbate and then you could think about me masturbating but thinking of you while I'm doing it.

John: What questions do you have?

Elizabeth: Was this standard for you. Give a watch and tell the woman to think of you touching her at 12:00. Were there women all over New York who glance at their watches at noon. And think of John Gray's touch.

John laughs: Hardly. No. A woman before you did it to me. She gave me a watch and put me in her mouth and made me come and after she said 12:00 think of what I just did. Everyday. 

Elizabeth: Did you?

John: Not really. I am busy in the day time. I wouldn't think of her. And I didn't care that much for her. I gave the watch away and I only saw her for a short time. But the gesture impressed me. 

Elizabeth: Did you do it after me?

John: No. I thought of it. But the fun had gone out of that kind of gesture for me after you. 

John: Any other questions?

Elizabeth: If someone had walked in and seen me would you have like it.

John: Yes and no. I like risk. Fucking at the top of the clock tower. The alley in the rain. But another man seeing you. Mixed about that. Another man watching you masturbate, seeing you aroused. In a way I would have liked it. You're mine and the man couldn't have you. He could desire what I have. There is something in that feeling. It gets into complicated areas. I got more possessive of you as time passed. If we keep talking we are going to end up at what happened in the Chelsea Hotel and after. And that won't be easy. 

Elizabeth: No it won't be easy. I agree let's delay that. 

John: This is nice though. Hearing this is nice. I wish I'd read it at the time. It makes me want to watch you masturbate. It makes me feel good to know how you felt. What you did. It's arousing just listening to you read it.

Elizabeth: Do you have questions for me?

John: One.

John: Did you still remember me at 12:00, masturbate sometimes?

Elizabeth: I hated it after, remembering. I would remember involuntarily. You are a good hypnotist. Masturbating and thinking of you how you touched me, times we had sex. I refused to do it. I felt it was self-indulgent and destructive. It felt really good to remember but it moved me back closer to you in my mind made me long for you so I made myself not do it. Not touch myself. Not remember. Not think about you touching me. For years I wouldn't allow myself. Then I began to remember. Masturbate while I remembered. Sometimes I would glance at my watch at 12:00 and think of you. More often in a sweet way, not a sexual one. Like a happy memory from a long time ago. But it was still a time that belonged to you. 12:00 "Think of me" . Sexually when I would remember, I would think a man can do this to me. None did though after you.

Elizabeth: Who did you learn from? How did you learn to treat a woman's body the way you do. 

John: When I was a freshman at The University of Chicago, a woman professor seduced me. 

Elizabeth: You went to the University of Chicago? 

John: I had a math scholarship. 

Elizabeth: And first semester you were seduced? By a teacher?

John: She was 35 maybe 40, a nice body. She was my instructor first semester. Then at the end of the first semester she asked me to come by her office. She locked her office door and said she found me sexually attractive and asked if she could unzip my pants and touch me. I was 19 and I was in heaven. At the end of the next semester she went on to someone else but she taught me most of the basic things I know about women's bodies. 

Elizabeth: She taught you well.

John: Good foundation. 

Elizabeth: Any other questions for you? 

John: I'd like to see that Dali. Where is it?

Elizabeth: Look it up.

John reads from his phone: Museo Nacional Centro de Arte Reina, Sofia, Madrid. I want to go. I want us to go.

Elizabeth: Let's stay where we are until after the journal is finished. It could be fun. Anything else?

John: Would you masturbate for me?

Elizabeth: Now?

John: Now. Yes. I'd like that.

Elizabeth: No. Not now. 

John: But you read me the journal.

John looks at her. Sees her leaning back away from him.

John: No it's okay. You can say no. Thank you for reading that. Thank you for wearing the watch. Thank you for coming here. Can I stay tonight here?

Elizabeth: Let's order dinner. 

They are sitting at the table in Elizabeth's suite. White cloth, silver. Crystal and china. Candles burned down. Plates nearly empty. One bottle of wine empty. A second still part way full.  
John: Do people call you Liz, Lizzy, Beth? I never called you anything but Elizabeth.  
Elizabeth: And you had an odd way of saying it.  
John: I had a speech impediment as a kid. Speech therapists pick it up. Other people just think I say some words a little strangely. Some "S,” “Z” “th” sounds are still a little hard for me. One of the places it is still there.  
Elizabeth: I just thought you had an accent. After you told me you were from outside of Chicago I thought it was maybe an Illinois accent.  
John: Nope the last traces of a speech impediment.  
Elizabeth: Liz? Lizzy? My father called me Lizzy. So did Molly. A few people at the gallery. Some people I worked with at the college. Never Beth. Most people call me Elizabeth.  
John: Did I tell you I have a house in Connecticut?  
Elizabeth: The house you had with your wife?  
John: No, a house I bought later. After I came back from Switzerland. North of New Haven. In Bramford. Right on the coast. Let's go up there for a few days.  
Elizabeth: Leave the houseboat? Just leave my hotel? And go up to Connecticut. How does that make sense? What about the budget?  
John: What budget? The hotel is paid for. Already. In advance. Elizabeth, I don't worry about budgets.  
Elizabeth: I think about the money.  
John: Don't. And I want to renegotiate with you.  
Elizabeth: Negotiate what?  
John: RENEGOTIATE. You want to go through your journal and see where we are at the end. Correct?  
Elizabeth: Yes. The last entries are about the Chelsea Hotel.  
John: I'm willing to do it. I'm not convinced it is a good thing to do. I'll do it because you want that. I think you want some kind of reckoning.  
Elizabeth: Reckoning? Maybe a reckoning.  
John: I want every other day to be journal free.  
Elizabeth: So I read, we talk, I ask my questions and then the next day you decide what we do? Nothing journal-related. You chose what we do?  
John: Yes.  
Elizabeth: Anything?  
John: Anything.  
Elizabeth: No. I am not agreeing to doing "anything" in advance. You can ask me, but I decide. If I say no, you don't threaten, you don't bully, you don't manipulate, you don't cajole, you accept my no.  
John slightly angry: Have I bullied you? Have I manipulated you? Once? Even once since you left your note for me? Have I threatened you? Have I cajoled? What's wrong with cajoling? I thought cajoling would be okay.  
Elizabeth: You grabbed me once. You towered over me once. Scared me.  
John: I was upset, and I caught myself quickly.  
Elizabeth: You did catch yourself. But you can't bully me. Can't hurt me.  
John: Would you allow me to try to persuade you with words, an argument, to do what I want.  
Elizabeth: It sounds tiresome. And anyway no means no.  
John: I thought that had changed to yes means yes.  
Elizabeth: I came here because this is unfinished business for me.  
John: Is there any reason that we can't at least just spend some time together. My Connecticut place is nice. We can walk. There are some quaint towns nearby. We can go down to the shore. Take a drive. I have my motorcycle there. I could take you for a ride.  
Elizabeth: I've never ridden on a motorcycle.  
John: No? Never?  
Elizabeth: It scares me a little.  
John: There are flat country roads up there. It's beautiful. I'd like to take you. It's fun. Safe. Wind in your hair.  
Elizabeth: I want my own room.  
John: You want your own room? Why? We have spent every night together.  
Elizabeth: No we haven't. You got me drunk on ice-wine and I fell asleep on the houseboat the first night.  
John: You got yourself drunk on Ice Wine and you passed out.  
Elizabeth: The second night I stayed at the hotel and I sent you home. The third night you mostly slept on the rooftop deck.  
John: I didn't sleep on the roof deck. I laid there awake. We were together except for the first night you spent in the hotel.  
Elizabeth: What difference does it make if I have my own room?  
John: There is something. When you assert yourself I want to force you to do what I want you to do, want to make you give in to me.  
Elizabeth: You still want to dominate me.  
John: Fine. Have your own room. You are going to want to be in bed with me.  
Elizabeth: Fine. I'll go to Connecticut.  
John: And one day we do the journal and the next day no journal. We agree. You agree to that.  
Elizabeth: You agree that the non-journal days we decide together. And it is not blindfolds or whips or handcuffs.  
John: Could blindfolds be left on the table.  
Elizabeth: You are still into blindfolds?  
John: Blindfolds heighten and enhance the other senses.  
Elizabeth: No. That is how you started.  
John: You melted. You were my melting clock.  
Elizabeth: I would have melted without the blindfold.  
John: You don't know that.  
Elizabeth: No crawling. No blindfolds, no riding crops. No handcuffs.  
John: Nothing you don't ask for. Only if you ask.  
Elizabeth: Do you still think about those things?  
John: Do you still think about my touching you at 12:00?  
Elizabeth: Do you?  
John laughs: Yes. Of course.  
Elizabeth: This house in Connecticut, you don't have a dungeon or anything there.  
John: A kitchen I designed. A nice kitchen. A place I love to cook. I have a garden, a wild garden. Fennel, radishes, scallions. Great wild strawberries. Some fruit trees. Cherry. Apple. No dungeon. Could still put one in I guess.  
Elizabeth: Could you make celery puree? Do you have cucumbers? I love cucumbers.  
John: I will make you scallops and celery puree and I don't know if there are any cucumbers in the garden but we can pick-up some. I can make raita with cucumbers. I have an Indian recipe for it.  
Elizabeth: How far is it?  
John: It takes about two hours. It's 90 miles.  
Elizabeth: When?  
John: Tomorrow?  
Elizabeth: Okay.  
John smiles.  
John: Come here.  
She gets up goes over to him. He pulls her into his lap.  
John: I see now why I tried to avoid negotiating with you. You exhaust me.  
Elizabeth: No I don't.  
John: Do you want to sleep here or go to the houseboat tonight? It's getting late.  
Elizabeth: We should sleep here.  
John: We'll go to the houseboat in the morning before we go to Connecticut. I'll pick up a few things. I don't need much. I keep most of what I need up there so I don't ' have to pack much. Okay sleep here tonight and no journal for a day or two.  



	22. Thursday September 18: Connecticut

They are driving to Connecticut.  
Elizabeth: You never asked me about anything. My childhood, Bruce. My family. My education. Nothing.  
John: No.  
Elizabeth: Weren’t you interested.  
John: No.  
Elizabeth: When I was leaving, you told me about your family. You said I have 5 brothers.  
John: Because you wanted to know things about me. I wanted you to stay. I thought I would give you what you wanted. You said it’s too late.  
Elizabeth: It was too late.  
John: What do you want now Elizabeth?  
Elizabeth: I thought I couldn’t live without you. I know now I could, can, did live without you, but I know what we had at first. I didn’t ever find that again.  
John: I didn’t either. Romeo and Juliet. But soft, what light thru yonder window breaks. It is the East and Juliet is the sun. You were my sun. I thought you were like the others. You weren’t.  
Elizabeth: Did you wish we’d never met?  
John: Many times.  
Elizabeth: I did too. Who were you ?  
John: I was a smart poor nerdy boy from outside Chicago who had a knack for math and then for making money and finally by 22 enough confidence and charm to indulge my sexual fantasies.  
Elizabeth: Women as playthings. Toys.  
John: Playmates, playthings. Maybe toys. Not a word I used to myself.  
Elizabeth: You didn’t date women, you collected them, like butterflies and pinned them to your wall.  
John laughs.  
Elizabeth: I didn’t mean to make you laugh.  
John: I know you didn’t. When I was in the hospital, after the motorcycle accident they sent a psychiatrist in to see me. The doctor who treated me first in emergency thought I had had the accident on purpose. Thought I had tried to kill myself.  
Elizabeth: Did you?  
John: I deliberately took a lot of chances on the motorcycle. Wait though, I want to tell you about the psychiatrist. Dr. Schulman. We talked over the three months I was in the hospital. He would come every few days. Look in on me. Sit by the bed, just talk. And he said almost exactly the same thing. He said you are a collector. You have collected women the way a lepidopterologist, a butterfly collector, collects butterflies. You'd net them. Pin them up and enjoy them. Before her - he meant you- you collected women. You would examine them sexually, psychologically. He told me that I didn’t expect a butterfly to fight back.  
Elizabeth: I didn’t fight back much. Really, I just escaped.  
John: You did fight back. You were a wise guy from the beginning. It took a lot to dominate you. I did it but it took a lot. And it made you even more fascinating. But what I told him was she escaped. I liked him. I saw him pretty regularly for a couple of years after the hospital. He was easy to talk to, but then he would be, wouldn’t he? And then I saw him occasionally once or twice a year until he died.  
Elizabeth: Did he tell you why you treated me and the other women the way you did?  
John: I told you I went to the University of Chicago. For some English class my first semester we had to read a book a little short book called The Collector by John Fowles. Do you know it?  
Elizabeth: No I don’t know it.  
John: It’s about a nerdy kid who collects butterflies. He’s lonely, has a fixation on a girl and then he collects her like one of his butterflies. Kidnaps her, holds her captive, tries to make her love him, it isn’t sexual for him exactly, she thinks it is. He loves her, wants her to love him. Then she dies and he begins looking for another girl to replace her. My instructor was into Fowles. My instructor spent the whole semester on that book. The idea of collecting a girl you wanted fascinated me at 19. Maybe I was still 18 when I started that class. I identified with the nerdy main character that girls weren’t interested in. Having a girl all to yourself to do with as you liked. Locked-up. At your disposal. At your whim. For the boy in the story, it wasn’t sexual but for me it was. Somehow in the hospital, I told the psychiatrist about the story. How much, how often, I thought about it beginning at 19. How having a girl captive for myself was a fantasy. My most frequent sexual fantasy. But I became less nerdy. I boxed. I started making a little money. And the professor had taught me a lot when she seduced me. Changed the way I dressed. I had a confidence about what to do with women's bodies after her. How to touch them. By 22, girls, women began paying attention to me. Smiling at me. I began giving them gifts, complimenting them, found they liked my touching them. I could live out my fantasy and the women would volunteer to be my captives. Or at least agree. Women would collect themselves for me almost. I didn't need to kidnap anyone, I just needed to court them, charm them, tell them what I wanted. They wanted to please me. I could pin a girl to my wall for a while. Enjoy her, explore her sexually. Then when I had my fill, grew tired of her, I could turn her loose. I was careful, I always managed to avoid dramatics at the end. Stayed polite. But with you, it was different. I didn’t want to turn you loose. I wasn’t ready to turn you loose. I couldn't get my fill of you. I told him about you. How you’d left. How I wanted you to stay. How broken-up I was about you leaving. How I didn’t care what happened to me after you left.  
John: He said to me that you were the butterfly who collected me.  
Elizabeth: I am the butterfly that got away?  
John: You are butterfly that caught the butterfly collector and let him go.  
Elizabeth: Did he help you get over me?  
John laughs.  
John: No I asked him to do that. He said it didn't work that way. Instead he said what he could do is help me understand why I couldn't get over you. Wouldn't get over you. Helped me understand how what you had done to me, changed me.  
Elizabeth: What had I done to you?  
John: You made me fall in love with you.  
Elizabeth: I didn't make you. You did it on your own.  
John: You made me.  
Elizabeth: But you went back to your games.  
John: I did. I went back to collecting. I’d pick-up someone, pick-out someone, enjoy her for awhile then let her go. Please her, let her please me. He said he thought for me it was the best I could do. Go back to my games. Enjoy them as best I could.  
John: When I married, he said I might as well because I was too stubborn to go after you.  
John: He had lung cancer. He died not long after I came back from Switzerland. The last thing he said to me before he died was you should call her sometime. I miss him. Still miss him.  
Elizabeth: You loved him.  
John: A year or so after I began seeing him, I bought another motorcycle. But I stopped being as reckless after I began talking to him. I guess I did love him. He never judged. He was kind. Always seemed vaguely amused, by me, by life, by himself.  
Elizabeth: You always seemed mildly amused by everything to me. Maybe you are like him in some ways.  
 ~~John: I'd like to be like him.~~

John turns down a side road, a canopy of branches blocks out the sun as they drive along. They round a curve, see the ocean and a two story weathered farm style house. A long gravel drive leads to the front of the house.

Elizabeth: I love the sound tires make pulling in some place on gravel. The crunch.  
John: In Italy some of the old villas have gravel areas as outdoor patios. Gravel paths. It is a pleasing sound. Walking on gravel. Reminds me of warm afternoons having nothing to do but sit in filtered shade at an outdoor table spread with wine, cheese and fruit, vegetables.  
Elizabeth: Do you go to Italy much?  
John: When I was in Switzerland I went often. I almost bought a place in Tuscany. I thought I might retire there. Still think about moving there once in awhile. Come on I want to show you this place.  
John turns off the car. Gets out. Opens her door. Unlocks and opens the front door to the house.  
They enter a great room. A kitchen one one side with a hammered copper bar and bar stools. A big solid butcher block table between the bar and the stove. A farm table with 6 chairs beyond the bar. A stainless range, four burners, a 24 inch griddle in the center. A big stainless fridge. Opposite from the kitchen in the great room is a fireplace, across from the front door is a wall of windows looking out to the ocean. A deck beyond the windows, Adirondack chairs on the deck. A covered area above the deck. Everything weathered wood, grey. A sofa and chairs mismatched stuffed, comfortable, arranged around the fireplace.  
John: There are two bedrooms and a bath upstairs. And an office with my computers. I sleep in the bedroom with the books. The other is the guest room. I’ll put your things in the guest room. There is a small bedroom and a bathroom down here. You can sleep down here if you’d like. You can sleep wherever you like.

*

John is making coffee and Elizabeth is sitting on a bar stool at the bar.  
Elizabeth: Is this copper?  
John: Yes.  
Elizabeth: It's nice. Do you always grind your own coffee beans to make coffee?  
John looks at her smiles, a brief nod, goes back to grinding the coffee beans.  
Elizabeth: What kind of coffee is it?  
John: Called Major Dickinson's Blend. Still have it shipped from California. From Peet's. Alfred Peet was a Berkeley guy who started roasting his own coffee beans in 1966 near Berkeley campus. He was a great coffee roaster. Dark beans. Rich taste. Roasted the beans in small batches. This blend was among his first. The blend is still made and still good though he sold out long ago.  
John takes the bag of beans to her.  
John: Close your eyes.  
Elizabeth: No.  
John: Close your eyes. I just want you to smell the coffee beans.  
She closes her eyes. He holds the bag of coffee beans under her nose.  
John: Smell. Now hold out your hands.  
Elizabeth does.  
John: Keep your eyes closed. I’m going to fill your hands with coffee beans.  
Elizabeth: Okay.  
John pours coffee beans out into her hands.  
John: Feel how they are slippery. They feel almost as if they have a light coating of oil on them. Now smell them.  
John: See. It’s a strong smell. Keep your eyes closed. Breathe in again.  
Elizabeth: It smells like fresh turned over earth and a tiny bit like a skunk might have been in the area a few hours ago and a little like old tires.  
John laughs.  
John: Exactly. You got it exactly. It’s the hours old skunk smell that most people miss. Open your eyes and give me back my coffee beans.  
Elizabeth: Are you working-up to blindfolding me again.  
John: I would like to blindfold you. You were able to concentrate on the smell of the coffee beans because your eyes were closed.  
Elizabeth: No. No blindfolds.  
John: Only if you want to be blindfolded.  
Elizabeth: I don’t. You use an automatic drip not a chemex for coffee? Not a French press.  
John: I use all three. The automatic drip machines make good coffee. And once I measure and push the button I don’t have to do anything. Chemex is more labor intensive but if you’re patient it makes very good coffee. Can’t let the grind get muddy. French press gives a good strong taste. A bite to it. When I’m here alone, I often just do French press. Once you press the coffee you need to drink it, it gets cold.  
Elizabeth: What are we going to do today? With the rest of the day. What do you do when you are here?  
John: I cook. Shop for the ingredients for what I’m going to cook. I ride my motorcycle. Walk along the beach. Read.  
Elizabeth: I might like to do some drawing. I don’t have any supplies.  
John: I’m sure we can find an art supply store.  
John gets out his phone. Finds a store listed. Calls.  
John: What do you need?  
Elizabeth: Sketch book, some charcoal, pastels, I think.  
John asks if they have the things she wants. They do. He asks that the things be set aside.  
John pours coffee for her, for himself. Gets out cream and sugar.  
Elizabeth: You had someone bring cream, put it in the fridge.  
John: The housekeeper buys from a local dairy, when I’m coming up I sometimes ask her to get me milk or cream. A couple of cheeses. She is willing to do me a favor or two. It’s good milk, local, pasteurized but not homogenized.  
Elizabeth: I don’t know much about food and cooking. Just the basics.  
John: You make a delicious meatloaf.  
Elizabeth: Are you making fun of me?  
John: I’m not. I love your meatloaf.  
Elizabeth: You are. You’re making fun of me.  
John is standing at the counter, looking at her.  
John: Would you let me have sex with you?  
Elizabeth: Now? What about the coffee? Right now?  
John: Now. Bend over the table.  
Elizabeth: Are you going to force me.  
John: Of course not.  
Elizabeth: What if I say no?  
John: Then later I’ll ask again  
Elizabeth: Bend over the table? Right there?  
John: Or somewhere else. Just watching you, having you here, thinking about what you wrote in your journal about masturbating. The expression on the woman’s face in the Dali print. Just felt desire for you. Wanted to satisfy it. You are right here.  
Elizabeth shakes her head.  
Elizabeth: Okay.  
John: You shake your head no but you say okay.  
Elizabeth gets down off the bar stool.  
John walks over to her kisses her. Long kiss. Slides his hand under her t- shirt. Lifts up her t-shirt. Kisses her breasts.  
John: I’m going to take off your jeans. He unzips her jeans, leans down, takes off her shoes, slides her jeans down, she steps out of them. Her panties. Touches her between the legs.  
John: Turn around, bend over the table. Face down.  
Elizabeth stands, turns, leans over the table, John pushes her shoulders down, she rests her head on her arms on the table.  
John: Good, that’s good.  
Elizabeth: Not anal.  
John: No. I’m not going to do anal.  
He puts his fingers in her, he strokes her.  
John: You want this as much as I do.  
He slides his jeans down, his shorts down, enters her.  
Reaches around her, strokes her between the legs.  
Begins moving inside her, puts both hands on her waist, pulls her to him, finds the rhythm he wants. He comes quickly. Turns her around, pushes her back. Face up.  
John: Stay still. I’ll make you finish.  
He touches her.  
John: Just here. Isn’t this what you like?  
Rubs her between the legs. Slow circles at first.  
Elizabeth: Please, now.  
He changes the pressure. More rapid movement with his hand, his fingers.  
She finishes. He kisses her.  
John: God you are beautiful and you feel so good to me.  
He pulls up his shorts his pants. He picks her up. Leaves her jeans and panties on the floor.  
Elizabeth: My jeans.  
John: I want to lie down with you now. We’ll get them later.  
He carries her into the downstairs bedroom puts her on the bed. Gets a blanket. Covers her. Lies down next to her Slides under the blanket. Rolls on his back.  
John: Come here. I want to take a little nap here with you.  
She puts her head on his chest, he puts his arms around her, slides his hand under her t-shirt cups her breast in his hand and he drifts off. Elizabeth lies there head on his chest, eyes partly closed, dozing.

*

Elizabeth is deeply asleep on the bed. John gets up. Tucks the blanket around her.  
John: I’m going out to look at my motorcycle. I’ll be back in a half hour. Make yourself at home.  
Elizabeth: I’m going to sleep for a little while.  
John walks over, kisses her. Leaves.

*

Elizabeth is at the dining table when he comes back in. She is dressed. She has a cup in front of her.  
John: What are you drinking?  
Elizabeth: Coffee.  
John: Wasn’t it cold?  
Elizabeth: I reheated it in the microwave.  
John grabs the cup and pours the coffee in the sink  
Elizabeth: What are you doing? It was fine.  
John: Elizabeth you don’t have to drink stale coffee. I’ll make you some fresh.  
Elizabeth: John stop it. You can’t do that. You have to ask me if I would like fresh coffee. You can’t just fling my coffee away like that. You can’t treat me that way.  
John: Or what?  
Elizabeth: I’ll leave  
John: And not get your precious questions answered?  
Elizabeth: And not get my questions answered.  
John: How could you leave?  
Elizabeth: I’ll call for a car.  
John: You don’t really know where you are.  
Elizabeth: I can figure it out. I have GPS on my cell phone.  
John: Don't leave. Would you like me to make you fresh coffee  
Elizabeth: No.  
John: I’d like to make you fresh coffee.  
Elizabeth: No I don’t want fresh coffee. I wanted my stale reheated coffee and you grabbed it and poured it out without even asking me. You can’t do that. You can’t.  
John: I just didn’t want you to have to drink stale coffee. Forgive me, okay.  
Elizabeth: You want me to forgive you for pouring out my stale coffee?  
John: Without your permission.  
Elizabeth: I let you fuck me from the back over this table and already you are flinging away my coffee without asking me anything about what I want.  
Elizabeth starts laughing.  
John sheepish, upset, waits a moment, watches her carefully to be sure she is really laughing.  
He laughs too. Walks over to her. Puts his arms around her. Kisses her  
John:Don’t think I’m hopeless.  
Elizabeth: You are a mule.  
John: Look in the fridge. I know Mrs. Harrington left us some cheese. And there should be be some crackers in the cupboard.  
John: I'm starving. Do you like fish and chips? I know a roadside place just north about 20 minutes. Good food. Freshest fish. Great batter.   
Elizabeth: I’m hungry. We haven't eaten since breakfast before we left.  
John: Let's eat some cheese and crackers and have a glass of wine and I'll take us up the coast for fish and chips. You have a jacket?  
Elizabeth: No. No jacket. I I have sweaters. You want to go on your motorcycle?  
John: Sweater no good on a motorcycle. Wind goes right thru it. I've got jackets here. I'll find you something.   
Elizabeth: It will be dark before we come back.  
John: It's nice riding at night. The sounds are different. Different smells. It's a different world. Night gives the trees and the grasses and the ocean a different feel and the air is different. On the motorcycle you are there in it. The air on your skin. Senses are heightened.  
Elizabeth: Like being blindfolded?  
John smiles. Nods. 

*

They are riding the motorcycle. A Ducati. Elizabeth has on an over-sized leather jacket and jeans, sneakers. John a leather jacket and jeans. Leather boots. She is sitting behind him, has her head against his back. Her arms around him. Her hair blowing. 

They pull into the gravel parking lot of a weathered roadside stand, a faded red and white striped awning above a wooden deck. 15 picnic tables. Blue checkered oil cloths covering the tables. Half the tables are full. Families, a few couples Strings of white lights under the awning. 

Elizabeth: Gravel parking lot.

John kicks down the stand. Elizabeth gets off. The leather jacket hangs nearly to her knees. He takes her hand and they walk up to the window. John yells in the window. 

John: Henry. Get out here you've got customers. 

An African American man comes to the window.

Man: You come here to eat or you come here to cook, John? I been busy. Could use another pair of hands.

John: Elizabeth this is Henry. He owns this place. Henry, this is my friend Elizabeth. I've promised her fish and chips. And she's starving, so get on it man. And a couple of glasses of wine. Your good stuff. 

Henry: Welcome to my Fish Shack. He tell you he cooks here sometimes?

Elizabeth: You cook here? In the kitchen?

Henry: He's a man who handles fish and batter like Michelangelo. Has the feel for the heat. The timing. Knows how hot to get the oil, just when to take things out. For years I told him give up that Wall Street, come here work for me, do honest work.

John laughs.

John: I can't work for you man, you're too bossy.

Henry: Go have a seat. I'll bring the food out to you. John come on in the back and get whatever wine you want.

John walks Elizabeth over to one of the tables. 

John: Sit here. I'll be right back.

He goes around to a side door and goes in the building. He comes back with two glasses and a bottle of white wine.

John: He keeps a few bottles of sauvignon blanc for the customers he actually likes. 

He pours the wine in the one glass.

Elizabeth: Is that your glass or mine.

John: We are sharing. More erotic to share, I like drinking from the same glass. 

He pours, holds it to her lips. She sips it. 

Elizabeth: You're not feeding me.

John: I like to feed you. What about a bite or two?

He offers her the wine again. She sips from the glass again. He takes the glass back and takes a long drinks then he refills it.

Elizabeth: You cook here.

John: I have cooked here. I used to drive up here some. Henry is the brother of the lead in the SKA band that used to play in the Street Fair where I got your shawl.

Elizabeth: I remember them. I remember The Eagle Flies. I could never get that song out of my head.

John: That's Henry's brother. He died. His son has a SKA band. Play a lot of his father's songs. They play here sometimes. 

John: I was friendly with the band a little back then. Henry's brother Reginald knew I bought the motorcycle. Knew I rode up the coast. He told me to come up here and eat fish at the Fish Shack. Henry and his mother had it together then. Got in the habit of stopping in. Talked Henry into letting me in the kitchen a few times. Wanted to see his stove and the fryers. Always wanted to try my hand at a real deep fryer. Henry let me. 

Henry comes up to the table. Brings their fish and chips red checkered paper baskets. Goes back and gets malt vinegar. Also a wine glass and another bottle of Sauvignon blanc. John pours him a glass of wine. Henry sits down with them. Opens the second bottle.

John: When's your nephew playing up here?

Henry: This weekend. You should come.

John: If we are still here yeah. 

Henry: He tell you he ran The Fish Shack for three weeks when my mother was in the hospital.

Elizabeth: No he didn't. 

Henry: My mother got sick. Had the cancer. Bad. John stopped in. Spent a little time in the kitchen. Then I closed up and we came out here. We went thru a bottle of wine. And I broke down. I was crying. I wanted to go to her, be with her, they had moved her down to Women's Hospital in Boston for some treatment. Felt I couldn't leave The Shack. And he told me go. I'll cook. I'll run The Shack. He ran this place for three weeks. Wouldn’t take a dime. He's a good cook Elizabeth. Best I know besides me. Two kinds of men. Men who can cook and men who can't. John can cook. Men who can cook best kind of man to have in your bed. They are the best lovers.

Elizabeth: Is that so?

Henry: Known fact.

Henry: You knew John back then. Back when my brother played at that Street Fair.

Elizabeth: I knew him then.

Henry: You the one that broke his heart back then. Caused him to try to kill himself on that motorcycle?

Elizabeth: No, I'm not that one.

John: It was an accident. But she's the one.

Elizabeth: Henry, John did a lot of things in those days. He didn't treat me very well. 

John: I treated you very well. I admit I did some things I shouldn't have done. You didn't give me a second chance.

Henry:Can’t blame you girl. He was so full of himself in those days. Mr. Big Fancy Wall Street Fellow. Thought he could do whatever he wanted. Thought he could get away with anything. Especially with women. Man needed taking down. Maybe you overshot a little.

John: She did.

Henry: You back to give him another chance.

Elizabeth: Henry I don't really know what I am doing.

Henry: He's changed. You gonna marry him Elizabeth?

Elizabeth: I am not sure he has really changed. We’ve never talked about marriage, Henry. 

Henry: He's going to.

John: Remains to be seen.

John takes a drink of the wine. Refills the glass, lifts the glass to Elizabeth's lips. She takes a drink.

Elizabeth: This is good. I like this.

John offers her a bite of his fish. She laughs. Opens her mouth and takes the bite. John smiles.

Henry: You be careful Miss Elizabeth. He's looks like he is aiming to reel you in if he can.

Elizabeth: I'll be careful Henry.

*

It's dark. They are riding south along the coast on the motorcycle. Mist rising up in low meadows along the road. The full moon out on the ocean on their left, reflecting off the ocean. John pulls off the road. A long chain across a turnoff. Hanging off the chain is a sign that says SILVER POINT CLOSED AFTER DARK. John stops the motorcycle.

John: Stay here for a second. 

John puts down the kickstand, gets off the motorcycle, walks over, unfastens the chain, leaves it and the sign lying down on the ground across the road.

John walks back to the motorcycle. Gives her his hand. Helps her off.

John: Come on. Walk with me. I want to show you this turn-out. He walks the motorcycle over the chain and out to the point. The ocean is illuminated by the full moon. Shimmering on the surface.

Elizabeth: It's beautiful here. It's like a Japanese scroll painting. The trees on the sides, the moon on the water. 

John: Take off your clothes.

Elizabeth: No. 

John: Undress. No one is around. No one will see you. The point is closed after dark. No one will come. 

Elizabeth: No. I'm not going to undress. This is a public place. 

John: No one is here. Let me see you in the moonlight. I want to see you in the moonlight. 

Elizabeth slips out of the jacket, hangs it on the motorcycle handlebars. He walks over to her. Slips her t-shirt over her head. Puts her shirt on the handlebars. Stroke her breasts. Kisses her breasts.

John: Take off your jeans. 

Elizabeth: No.

John: Your skin is so beautiful in the moonlight. Let me see you. All of you. There is no one here. No one will come here.

Elizabeth takes off her shoes, pulls her pants down. Steps out of her jeans. Slips her panties off.

John: You take my breath away standing there in the moonlight. You are so fucking beautiful. 

John: Get on the motorcycle. Just sit up on it. I want to see you on it. Like that. 

He takes her hands, leads her to the motorcycle. Elizabeth looks at him. Gives him a slightly exasperated look, but gets on the motorcycle, astride the seat facing forward. He kisses her. John moves behind the motorcycle, stands there. Puts his hands on her shoulders.

John: Lean back. All the way back. Toward me.

Elizabeth leans all the way back. John unbuckles his belt. Unbuttons, unzips his pants. He has on no underwear. He slips his pants down. 

Elizabeth: John what are you doing?

John: Open your mouth. Take me in your mouth.

Elizabeth does. John fondles her breasts.

John: Your mouth feels so good.

A car pulls into the point. Tires on gravel. The car stops. Car lights, then a spotlight shines on Elizabeth and John. A car door opens. 

A man gets out of the car, stands behind the open car door. The writing on the car door is visible in the moonlight. The car door says Connecticut State Police. The spotlight turns off. The headlights illuminate the area.

Man: Evening folks. Don't know if you saw the sign back there seems like the sign is down right now but Silver Point here is closed after dark. 

John pulls up his pants. Zips, buttons them. Walks quickly around the motorcycle, gets the jacket off the handlebars.

John: Elizabeth put this on.

Elizabeth is sitting up. John puts the jacket around her. She gets off the motorcycle stands next to John, slightly behind him. Wraps the jacket around herself. Folds her arms, looks at the ground.

John: Sorry officer. We saw the moon. So romantic. Came out here for a better look. We got a little carried away. 

The policeman walks around the car toward them. He has a flashlight.

Officer: Not a problem sir. Just need you to move along. Once in a while we lose a couple out here in the night. A fall in the dark. Cliff is a little uneven along the edge. 

The police officer looks at John's motorcycle. Walks toward it. Shines the flash light over it. Stops, takes a few steps toward the bike. Caresses the bike with the light from the flash light.

Officer: Man is this a 1199 Superleggera?

John: Had it 3 years. Got it used. 

The man walks respectfully around the motorcycle. 

Man: Man that is a nice bike. Hey. I'm Bill Perkins. Connecticut State Police. 

He extends a hand to John.

John: John Gray.

John offers his hand. They shake.

Officer Perkins: I've read about this bike.Some bike, huh.

John: Bought it in Italy had it sent over. 

Officer: I have an old Harley. Good bike. But this man....

John: I live down in New York but have a house up here. I keep the bike here. My friend here has never ridden on a motorcycle. Took her out for a ride. Got fish and chips up at the Fish Shack.

Officer Perkins: Henry makes the best fish and chips around.

John: He does. The man’s a genius with a fryer. You like the bike, huh? Well, if you have some time, you could come by, take the bike out for a ride. It's kind of fun bike to ride.

Officer Perkins: I'll bet it is. You'd let me do that?

John: Sure always glad to share it with somebody who appreciates it. 

John takes out his wallet, takes out a card.

John: You got a pen. I'll give you my cell. Just give me a call. We'll arrange a time for you to come by, take it out for a spin.

Officer Perkins: Oh man, I'd like that.

Officer Perkins hands John a pen from his pocket, shines the flashlight on the card. John writes a phone number down. Hands the card to the officer. Officer Perkins puts the pen back in his pocket, puts the card in his pocket. Lovingly pats the pocket where the card is .

Officer Perkins: Well good night then sir, ma'am. Sorry to have disturbed you. 

John: No problem. Good night officer.

Officer Perkins: Uh just put the chain up when you leave. 

John: We'll do that.

Officer Perkins gets in his car and drives away. 

John: Where were we?

Elizabeth walks over to him. Tries to hit him. He dodges her. 

Elizabeth: No one is around. No one will come. What if he arrested us?

He runs away a little from her. 

John: Calm down. He's gone. Just calm down. Let's finish what you started.

Elizabeth: No, John.

John: Where were we?

John: Get back on the bike. He's gone. He's not coming back.

John: Come on. Get back on the bike. You looked beautiful in the moonlight and what you were doing felt so good.

Elizabeth shrugs. Hangs the coat back on the handlebars. Climbs back on the motorcycle seat. 

John: My God you are beautiful. 

Elizabeth leans back and John walks back behind the motorcycle, unbuckles his pants, unbuttons and unzips them and slides them down. 

*

John pulls the motorcycle up in front of the farmhouse. Elizabeth behind him. 

John: Here is the key. Go on in. I'm going to put my bike away.

Elizabeth: I'm going to bed. 

John: Where?

Elizabeth: Not sure.

John: Please yourself. 

*

John puts the motorcycle away goes in the house. Elizabeth is nowhere around. The guest room door is closed.

John goes to a cabinet. Takes out a snifter and a bottle of cognac and pours the snifter 1/4 full. Rummages through the cabinet. Takes out a cigar. Walks out onto the deck in back. Looks out at the moon on the ocean. Sits in one of the Adirondack chairs. Slowly smokes the cigar. Drinks the cognac. 

John comes in. Locks-up. Climbs the stairs. Stands outside the guest room door. Raises his hand to knock then puts his hand down again. Goes to his room. Leaves the door open. Showers. Dries off. Gets into bed. Gets a book, The Magus by John Fowles, off the shelf. Gets into bed. Begins reading. 

Elizabeth is suddenly standing in his doorway.

Elizabeth: How do you do that? 

John: Do what?

Elizabeth: At The Point with the cop. He was honored you took time with him. How do you do that? We were caught. You were caught literally with your pants down and you charmed him. He went away pleased he'd gotten to meet you. Looking forward to riding your motorcycle. Probably brag about you and the motorcycle to his friends. And you got to finish what you started with me. You always get what you want. 

John: I don’t always get what I want. You should know that. Tonight though I thought a little romance in the moonlight was what we both wanted. I got what I wanted, but so did you. After I had what I wanted, you enjoyed what I offered you, at least from the sounds you made, you seemed to. 

Elizabeth: You hypnotize everyone.

John: When I can, I do. Now come here and get in this bed.

>


	23. Thursday September 19:  Cozy Sex and Kahlua

They are in John’s bed together. Lying on their sides. John nestled against her back, his head at the back of her neck, his arms around her. She opens her eyes rolls over on her back. John stays on his side, lifts his head, gets up on one arm.

Elizabeth: What are we doing today.

John: Art supplies. I’in the mood to make spaghetti. Maybe a motorcycle ride before dinner. Sex. Walk along the beach.

Elizabeth: We could get the sex out of the way now.

John: We could.   
  
John kisses her, rolls over on top of her. 

Elizabeth: But we could wait til later.

She pushes him off and gets up.

John: What’s wrong with both? Now and later? Come back to bed. I order you to come back to bed.

Elizabeth: I don’t take orders from you.

John: Suggestions? I suggest you come back to bed.

Elizabeth: I’m going to take a shower. Then you can feed me breakfast.

John: What if I don’t want to feed you breakfast if you won’t have sex with me in the morning. I like sex in the morning, the bed is all warm and cozy. You’ve been in my arms all night. It’s natural. It won’t be as cozy later. You like cozy sex.

Elizabeth: I’m getting up. I want to get my art supplies. I want to sit on the beach. I want to find a jacket that doesn’t hang to my knees. I want to buy some Ice Wine to drink on the deck at sunset. I want to read you the next entry in my journal.

John: Come back to bed first. After your journal, things may be tense.

Elizabeth walks back over to the bed. He pulls her onto the bed. Gets on top of her, kisses her.

John: Isn’t this better.

***

They are sitting at the table. John has made fresh coffee. He pours for them. 

Elizabeth: Look, I want to do the journal now. 

John: I don't want the day ruined.

Elizabeth: I don't think this entry will ruin your day. 

John: We have a lot to do today. Is spaghetti okay for dinner? 

Elizabeth: I thought you said before you were making scallops?

John: Truffled Bay Scallops, celery puree tomorrow. I’ll see if Henry will get me scallops at the fish market in the morning. Spaghetti tonight.

Elizabeth: Do you make onion soup? 

John: Of course. 

Elizabeth: Spaghetti, then scallops then onion soup. 

John: Whatever the lady wishes. 

Elizabeth: I will get my journal now. Want to sit here and have coffee while I read it.

John: I think I'm going to put a little Kahlua in my coffee. Fortification. 

He brings the Kahlua to the table. Pours it into his coffee.

Elizabeth: John now you have mostly Kahlua. 

John: Probably going to need it. 

Elizabeth goes upstairs. Comes back down with her journal. 

Elizabeth: Okay. Here?

John: As good a place as any. Do your worst. I'm as ready as I can be. 

John takes a long drink from his cup. Refills it with Kahlua. 


	24. Elizabeth's Journal 8: The Ferry

Elizabeth beins reading

_The Ferry_

_We took the ferry. He takes my hand and we run together to get off and then he keeps running, pulling me along. It's an effort to keep up. He is like a kid. Exuberant. Delighted by things, by me. But a mischievous kid. A bit of a trickster. Something unexpected. I want to surrender to him. But feel I have to be a on guard. I am never sure what he will say or do next. He is in charge of sex. He knows before I do what I want. I am afraid to ask where he learned so much about women's bodies, how to touch them the way he does._


	25. Thursday September 18: John Reacts to the Ferry Entry

John: You have a question?

Elizabeth: You learned at the beginning from the professor, your professor?

John: I learned from her, then trial and error, but she gave me the confidence, she demystified women and their bodies and sex for me. That was the main thing. And she wanted to please me. And then I learned other women wanted to please me. It is interesting to hear what you thought of me. The trickster. And I still want to play tricks on you. 

John: Anything else you want to know?

Elizabeth: I had so much fun with you. You were like a kid. It felt like we were playing. We played and we had sex. It was a kind of altered reality. John, you were magical and sensual. Unique. Like a god in a way. Like Eros the god Eros had come for me. 

John: You are embarrassing me. But I felt the same. You were like a goddess. Or Helen of Troy. The most beautiful the most desirable woman I’d had.

Elizabeth: Too bad we didn't stop there huh? Just walk away then. Okay here is the next part of the journal. I think of it as peppers and honey.

John: Okay. 


	26. Elizabeth's Journal 9: Peppers and Milk and Honey

Elizabeth reads 

I _t wasn't' a food fight._

_More like a food attack. No that isn't right either._

_More like a food experiment. On me._

_More like food foreplay._

_We had had sex in bed first. The night before. He was sitting looking at my drawings. On the bed. Leaning on his elbow against my pillows. My beginning it by touching him over his pants. Feeling him harden under the pressure of my hand. His looking down at my hand with that amused, knowing look. It was good. It is always good. He makes it good._

_In the morning we took a shower together. He got out first. I slowly washed my hair after he left. I felt languid still from the night before. I am the melted clock again. A melted clock at his hands, from his hands, his mouth._

_I came into the kitchen. He is dressed in his jeans. His jeans not buttoned at the top. No shirt. Barefoot. And he is slicing peppers. Red bell peppers. I have on my white robe from the shower. Hair still wet. White socks. My feet were cold._

_I stand in the doorway to the kitchen. Just looking at him. Is this real, what is happening with us?_

_Stay right there, he commands me. He says slide down. He walks over stands behind me and pushes me down in the doorway._

_Close your eyes._

_I always comply now. It is our agreement. I do as he says. He says lie down I do it. Roll over. Spread your legs. His hands direct me. His voice directs me. I do what he wants._

_I slide down in the doorway, his hands on my shoulders. I sit on the floor, legs out. I close my eyes as directed._

_He goes back to the counter. He is chopping. Spooning things. I hear every chop of the knife. Every click of the spoon. My closed eyes make me listen. Make me feel things. He puts an olive in my mouth._

_(I know the olive was first. I don't' remember the order after the olive. I know the honey was last.)_

_I_ _t went something like this: My eyes are closed. I work hard to keep them shut tight. He reminds me to close them if I peek. He is sitting on the floor now across from me. I feel him there somehow. I get the olive on the end of my tongue and stick my tongue out at him. He laughs. Then I pull the olive back in and swallow it. He is pleased. He is not touching me but I can feel he is smiling. He hand feeds me. A spoon feeds me. Strawberries, jello, cherry pie filling. A noodle. Whatever he can find in the fridge._

_The fridge door is open. He loots the contents._

_We are sitting on the floor in front of the open fridge. The floor is becoming a mess. I am glad Molly left early. I heard her leave. She is going to see her parents. She’ll be gone until late tonight. She would be aghast. I can feel his joy. The pleasure in the mess he is making. I know he is laughing. I know what his eyes look like. Like when he told the Ferris Wheel operator to stop with me at the top. He is the kid who pulled the fire alarm and stood innocently angelically as the fire trucks came. How did I attract him. He gives me me a sparkling wine to sip. It spills down my chin. Proseco. Somewhere he finds cough syrup. A spoonful into my mouth. I let it drool out of my mouth. He gives me a jalapeno pepper. I bite into it. I trust him. He is delighted. My mouth, my lips are on fire. He rubs my lips with the stem. He offers me a glass of milk. I gulp it frantically. I can't get it in fast enough. Milk runs all over. Over my face, down my robe onto the floor. He is pleased by my discomfort. By the mess. Then he sprays me with Perrier. Shaking it up and squirting it at me. Spraying my face, my neck, my hair. Is it mischievous and naughty and he is the rogue, the trickster, the scoundrel._

_But what if in the back waiting is sadism. I can’t think about that. Push the thought away._

_He is laughing, I can l hear him. He admonishes me to keep my eyes closed. And then he pauses. Something changes and he commands me to stick out my tongue and I do and he begins dripping honey on my tongue and then it spills on to my legs and he is stroking my legs smearing the honey everywhere, my legs, my thighs, he is touching me between my legs with his honey covered hands. He is kissing me. My mouth full of honey. His mouth covering my mouth. Devouring me. Smearing the honey on my face. And I know he is getting ready to have sex with me on the floor of the kitchen and thank God Molly left before we started this in the kitchen, And I know he is going to have sex with me in this mess of food and covered with honey and it is so sticky and I am so sticky and then his touch brings the excitement that eclipses everything and there is only him around me, inside me. He pleases himself by pleasing me but he is teasing and playful then teasing teasing me making me wait. He determines everything. Once I am in his hands. I only want to please him. I only want to hear him laugh. I want his touch. His mouth. Him inside me. This is all there is. We shower again and he washes himself then me. I am languid again. We go back to bed. We sleep. He gets up. Says I'll call you. I go back to sleep. I do not hear the door close as he leaves. I sleep for a while then know I have to clean up before Molly gets home. I clean-up the kitchen floor before Molly comes in. And then I go back to bed and sleep 24 hours. His calls go to the answering machine. He won't be insecure about it. He knows he has me._


	27. Thursday September 18: John Reacts to the Food and Honey Sex Journal Entry

John gets up from the table. 

John: Excuse me, Elizabeth. I need to go for a walk then I will come back and answer any questions you have.

He walks out onto the deck and out onto the yard. Elizabeth clears the table. Begins washing the dishes. Pours more Kahlua into her coffee. Suddenly she hears a motorcycle. She walks to the front window, sees John riding away on the motorcycle.

John is gone for two hours.

She hears the motorcycle come back. She goes out the front door. He is walking the motorcycle around the side of the house into the garage. Finally he comes back up the side steps onto the back deck. He sits down out on the deck. He says nothing, sits staring out at the ocean

Elizabeth comes out onto the deck. Brings a coffee mug and the bottle of Kahlua. She offers them to him.

He takes both. Pours some Kahlua into the cup. Tosses it back refills the cup.

Elizabeth goes back in. Get a cup and a blanket. She sits down in the other chair. Puts the blanket over her legs.

Holds out her cup to him. He pours Kahlua in. 

Elizabeth: Are you okay?

John: We need another bottle of Kahlua. This one is almost empty.

Elizabeth: Are you okay? Where did you go?

John: I went for a ride. Do you have questions?

Elizabeth: I understand this is difficult but please don’t leave like that without saying anything to me. Don’t just take off like that on your motorcycle. 

John: Do you have questions?

Elizabeth: A few.

John: Let's hear them.

Elizabeth: Had you ever done that before. The food, the honey?

John: No. Not like that.

Elizabeth: Did you ever do it again.

John: I tried. I tried once with the food play with a woman I met after you left. I tried the food once with my wife. Failure both times. It was something that was just us. It didn't work with anyone else. I could feed other women but they weren't you. Your squealing. Your laughter. Your resisting. Your delight. I tried honey. On a woman after you. Once on my wife. The same thing. With you it was joyful and playful and erotic. And I was so excited so aroused. The sex that day on the floor of your kitchen. The honey all over you. The arousal. Never able to create it again.

John: How about you?

Elizabeth: I tried with my husband. Suggested we sit in front of the fridge and he could put what he found in my mouth. And I’d close my eyes. He couldn't grasp the idea it was play. He said “Okay I’ll do it but I don’t see the point.”

John: He didn't see the point?  
>

Elizabeth: He was an engineer. They are like that. And he worried about the electric bill if we left the fridge open.

John laughs. They both laugh. Elizabeth shakes her head.  


Elizabeth: I tried with a lover, the honey, he said why do that? Won’t we be all sticky? Everything will all be sticky. There are commercial lubricants? Water based. No need to get all sticky.

John and Elizabeth both start laughing again.

John: Another engineer?

Elizabeth: A chemist. 

John:It was us.

John: Did you think of it much? After you left me?

Elizabeth: Foods would bring back the memory. At first pretty often. Cough syrup. Cherry pie filling. Peppers of course. Strawberries. Corkscrew noodles. And honey. Gave-up Perrier altogether. Could't taste honey for years without thinking of you, sex with you.

John: Same for me. Honey on anything and I was right back to how sweet it felt to kiss you that day, the way it felt to rub your legs with the honey. Sex and play. Sticky play.

Elizabeth: Why did you leave earlier? Why go out on your motorcycle? You scared me a little.

John (angry): What do you want? I mean it. You want an apology. Revenge? A mea culpa? An acknowledgement I screwed-up. I had this thing, this perfect thing. I destroyed it. With my self indulgence....

Elizabeth: No stop. I am not here for revenge. No not that. I don't know what, why, I am here but I know I am not here for revenge.

John: What do you want? What do you want to know?

Elizabeth: It's like I want to understand it. I wanted to know what that time was like for you. What you felt. Why you did what you did. What you expected. If it was something you did with the others. Before me, after me.

John: When I hear your journal, I can't tell you what it does to me. It isn't like a war separated us. A volcano, a tsunami. I did it Elizabeth. I wanted to see how far I could go, how far you would go. And all the time I was like the little boy with the snake chasing you so you would scream. But I loved it that you would scream And I was addicted to the sex with you. I wanted more. I got used to you and I didn't think you would ever leave me. I thought you belonged to me. I took everything for granted. Elizabeth I'm not sure I can do this.

Elizabeth: You have to do this. I'm here and you agreed. Why did you leave? Go out on the motorcycle?

John: I wanted to be reckless. I actually got a speeding ticket. Well he changed it to a warning, because he liked my bike.

John reaches in his pocket and pulls out the ticket. "Warning" written across it.

Elizabeth: You wrecked a motorcycle, is that what you were trying to do because of me, the journal? Crash the motorcycle? 

John: No. Maybe. After I got the ticket, the warning, I thought I’ve been warned. Don’t blow this, she is giving me us a chance.

Elizabeth: I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know that I’m giving you a chance. Us. I just want us to go through my journal together. I know I wanted to know what I was to you. What you felt. I want to understand more about that time. Then.

John: In the houseboat you acted like you were giving us a chance. “If I come back...” I wanted this chance. I realized this is what the psychiatrist wanted me to do. Before he died he said you should call her. He wanted me to talk to you listen to you. I can get through this. I want to. Come here.

Elizabeth: Can I bring my blanket.

John: You can bring your blanket

She gets in his lap, covers them both with the blanket. He puts his arms around her. She leans against him.

John: It's difficult for me to hear, but a part of me wants you to read it again. Hearing how it felt to you. It brings it all back. Hearing it. I want to hear it again. It makes me want to do it again.

Elizabeth: We have other things to do. Can't sit here cuddling all day. Or play with food on the floor. I want my sketch book, I need a jacket. We have a lot to do. I'll read it again after dinner if you like.


	28. Friday September 19: Octopus and If I wanted to kill self would have bought gun

The next morning. John and Elizabeth are back in his bed. It is early morning. John is lying on his back. Elizabeth has her head on his chest under his chin. His arms around her. John opens his eyes. Kisses her hair. She bats him away from her hair.

Elizabeth: Stop it.   
  
John: What? I thought you liked my kisses.  
  
Elizabeth: Not like that on my hair. It feels like a spider or something.

He kisses her hair again, runs his hand across her face fingers like spider legs crawling across her cheek. She grabs his hand.

Elizabeth: Stop it. It feels creepy. Don't do that.

He slides his hand under the covers, fingers crawling spider like over her breast, down over her abdomen.

Elizabeth: That’s it. I’m getting up. I don’t want to play spider this morning.

John: You said I was a spider wrapping you in my web. How about octopus?

Elizabeth: No spiders, no tarantulas, no octopuses, no starfish, no centipedes, no creepy crawly things. 

She gets up.

John: Sex with octopuses are a Japanese tradition. Come back. Let me be your octopus.

Elizabeth: You’re talking about Hokusai? You know that print?

John: Of course I know that print. Come back to bed. I am a very good octopus.  
Elizabeth: I want Prince Charming awakening sleeping beauty if I come back to bed. Sweet kisses. On my mouth.

*****

They are on the deck, drinking coffee looking out at the ocean. 

John: Today is a journal free day. But I might want to hear the food and honey entry again.

Elizabeth: You’ve heard it twice.

John: Doesn’t matter. I like hearing it. Brings back good memories. What do you want to do?

Elizabeth: I still need a jacket. I'm glad I have my art things. I’d like to do some sketching. The shape of the trees at Silver Point has stayed with me. There is one tree especially I’d like to sketch.

john: I have good feelings about those trees. 

Elizabeth: Good feelings about the trees?

John: I like trees. Those were especially nice trees. You said like a Japanese scroll. 

Elizabeth: When do you have to back to New York? 

John: Few days. I have to go back and spend a day in the office. 

Elizabeth: I’d like to hear Henry’s nephew's band play. Maybe they still play The Eagle Flies.

John: They’d probably be glad to play it for you. It was one of his dad's best. Memory lane.

Elizabeth: Well, memory lane is what we’re doing isn’t it?

John: Not sure what we are doing. 

Elizabeth: I could look on-line for a jacket. Probably should have done that in the first place.

John: Have it sent here. I’ll help you pick out something.

Elizabeth: I can pick out my own jacket. I want to ask a question. All that dressing and feeding, back then, what was that?

John: It was more than one thing. I understand it now more than then. Somewhat at least. After the accident..

Elizabeth: After the suicide attempt?

John: Accident. If I wanted to kill myself, Elizabeth, I would have bought a gun.

Elizabeth: Accident? They sent a psychiatrist to talk to you about your so-called accident.

John: I was reckless. I wasn't trying to kill myself. I just didn't care. I like driving fast. I told him Schulman it was an accident. But I talked about how much your leaving bothered me with him. I talked about you, what I demanded of you. How I thought you would accept whatever I did. How you left me. How I wanted you to stay. How I tried.

Elizabeth: So what did your shrink say?

John: He said I needed control. He said I liked math because it was predictable. Controllable. Before you, I was interested in making money and sex. And cooking.

Elizabeth: But the feeding me, dressing me, bathing me. All that. 

John: It was control. Having complete control over you. Mostly just control. And sex. Pushing the sexual limits. Your agreeing to give me control.

Elizabeth: Why did you need the control, so much control?

John: I could relax with women when I had control. I looked for women who wanted to please me. Women who responded to what I did sexually. Just what I wanted. My Collector phantasy.

Elizabeth: The Collector. I want to read The Collector.

John: I haven’t ever re-read it. Schulman had read it. We talked about it. He said I didn’t need to re-read it. To just tell him what I remembered. That was the important thing.

John: It might be interesting to re-read it.

*

* 

They are at Silver Point. The car is parked just past where they parked the motorcycle. Elizabeth is sketching. John is standing near the cliff edge picking up stones and throwing them out as far as he can across the shore. He walks over to Elizabeth kisses her on the neck. Looks over her shoulder at the sketch.   
  
John: That’s good. It looks Japanese. I think you should add an octopus somewhere.

Elizabeth: Where do you suggest I put this octopus?

John: You could add a pearl diver and put the octopus between her legs. 

Elizabeth: If you don’t leave me alone I am going to come here alone.

John: I’ve been thinking about the book The Collector. I am going to order a copy of the book. I wonder if I could get a first edition.

Elizabeth: If you want to pay for it. 

John: How much longer do you want to sketch? I need to go by Henry’s. He got me some scallops when he picked up his fish this morning.

Elizabeth: Go get your scallops. Then come back and pick me up. We’ll go home 

John: Home? We’ll go home? 

Elizabeth: To your beach house.

john:You said “We’ll go home.”

Elizabeth: Go get your scallops. We’ll go back to the beach house your beach house, we’ll cook or you cook, after dinner we’ll clean up together, you build a fire. We can go tomorrow night to hear Henry's nephew play. We'll stay in tonight.

John: What about sex? When is the sex?

Elizabeth: So far sex has been pretty much whenever you wanted it.

* 

After dinner. They have cleaned-up together.They are sitting in front of the fireplace. Each in a chair. Ice wine on the table. They each have a glass. There is a nice fire. 

John: You said at Silver Point sex had been pretty much whenever I wanted it. 

Elizabeth: Well not right at first. I fell asleep.

John: You got drunk and passed out.

Elizabeth: Different words for the same thing. 

John: At The Point, the motorcycle, why did you go along with that?

Elizabeth: With what?

John: Taking off your clothes. Getting on the motorcycle. Fellatio.

Elizabeth: Giving control over to you sexually is what I always did.

John: Until you didn't.

Elizabeth: Before. In the journal, the food, the honey, the sex, that was you. That is where you took us. I only had to give in to you. Enjoy the ride. And what you enjoyed, at first, I enjoyed too. The motorcycle, you wanted that. I knew you did. I knew if I did it, you would make it sensual for me too. I knew you would make it good for me sexually. I knew I would be satisfied. You were different than other men. You knew things. At the beginning, you tied the blindfold around my eyes and you said does this frighten you. And I said yes.Then you said does this excite you and I said yes. And then you said...

John: And then I said it excites me too.

Elizabeth: And that was how it went. You made me afraid and excited and made yourself excited. The motorcycle. It made me afraid to take my clothes off. But then getting on the motorcycle and lying back made me excited. And I knew it made you excited too.  
John: Read that blindfold and melting clock part to me again, please.  
Elizabeth picks up the journal and reads it to him.

She closes the journal. Puts it on the table.  
John: A melting clock. Now come here.

***

<


	29. Saturday September 20: Octopus then blueberry pancakes

They are lying in bed in John’s room. John kisses her. She opens her eyes.  
John: It’s a journal day. I want to play octopus.  
Elizabeth: Now? You want to play octopus now?  
John: I want to start the day enjoying you sexually and satisfying you because it’s journal day and journal days are difficult. I think I know what's next.  
Elizabeth: Promise me you won't leave. You won't get on the motorcycle and ride away. Promise me.  
John: I don't want to make any promises. The journal has been difficult. Worse than I thought. It stirs up a lot. Just, let me be your octopus.  
Elizabeth: Okay. You can be my octopus, then breakfast. I want pancakes, blueberry pancakes. Then Journal. Then back to Silver Point. I want to sketch some more. Then Henry’s tonight to hear his nephew play.  
John: I have to know ahead of time if you want fresh blueberries. I only have frozen.  
Elizabeth: Frozen is okay. Do you have real maple syrup.  
John: Of course I do. Some boar sausage too if you like. Local hunters.  
Elizabeth: No. Ew. No.  
John: They are very good. Seasoned well.  
John kisses her again. Begins humming “everybody was Kung fu fighting”. Elizabeth starts laughing.  
Elizabeth: Is that to put you in the mood of a Japanese print octopus.  
John: It is. Would you ever have sex with me and let me have a real octopus too.  
Elizabeth: No. John. Stop it. Are you serious?  
John (laughing): Maybe too soon. Okay.

They clean up the breakfast dishes, settle in front of the fireplace.  
Elizabeth: Don't leave. Promise.  
John: I won't leave. I imagine I will want to, but I won't leave on my bike. I might need to go for a walk. by myself.  
Elizabeth: Okay a walk.  
Elizabeth: Ready?  
John: No.

13


	30. Elizabeth's Journal 10: Nosey Parker

Elizabeth reads

_He raped me. Or maybe he didn't. He did. He said he was going to spank me. He told me to lift my dress. I said are you kidding._

_Before_ _that I asked him to go to a party. Meet my friends. He was playful but he said no. He said he wanted it to be just us. He had cooked dinner. And he said he wanted to take care of me. I offered to do the dishes._

_He said you don't do dishes. You never do dishes. I do the dishes. I'll feed you and I'll bathe you and I'll take care of you. And I'll dress you._

_And then he had to go out and he asked me to wait but I was bored and I went through his things and I saw a picture of another woman. She looked happy. Who is she? And I found his passport. Everything is perfectly ordered. Nothing crammed in a drawer. Space around everything._

_He went out to meet a friend and he called me while he was out and he asked me if I had been a nosey parker. If I had looked in his closet and his drawers. Who says that? Nosy Parker? Is that some phrase from his grandmother? Great grandmother? I admitted it. I can't be the first girl who went through his things and then he came back and he said I didn't think you'd be here._

__

__

_Why wouldn't I be here. I said I was sorry. What did he expect. He has been inside me. We have been intimate for days. I didn't find anything in the drawers. No drugs. No kiddie porn. No dirty pictures. No women’s underwear. No gambling receipts. No stash of hundred dollar bills. What difference does it make? He said face the wall, lift up your skirt I'm going to spank you and I started to leave and he was serious I could tell but it was stupid I came back and said what the fuck John and he grabbed me and forced me down on the table. I fought with him. Pushed him away. I wanted to leave and he wouldn’t let me. He is so strong. Too strong. Willing to use his strength against me. I thought I could get away from him, push him away but I couldn't. He forced himself on me. Held me down. Ripped my clothes. Held me down on the table. But in the middle of it I wanted him. Wanted him, wanted him inside me. And I stopped fighting and I held him against me. What am I doing? Who am I now? His? Am I his? I have got to get away from him. But I can't live without him I don't think. So was it rape? Was it?_

__

__

_After he was tender, he took me to bed, carried me to bed, held me and rocked me. But my arms are bruised and I'm sore. I see the torn clothes. I know what happened. He forced me I wasn't ready and I wasn't wet and then I was and then I wanted him. But after, he was tender carrying me, petting me, soothing me, but he never said sorry, just saying how I was beautiful and my skin is soft and how much I please him and in the morning he made me breakfast and brought it to me in bed and fed me and I had brought clothes and he laid them out for me and dressed me and I was in a kind of trance. I let him. He bathed me. And brushed my hair. I should leave him I shouldn't go on with this. But I am in a kind of fog. I cannot think about anything but him. His touch. And he says I want the nights to be ours like I am so important to him. He says I can do as I like in the days. He just wants the nights. I am what he wants. I just want to be what he wants. I can't be without him. He is everything. He wants to fill his nights with me._

_But the rape, the night before. He doesn't mention it. Like we had consensual sex. He acts as if nothing happened. I dont' bring it up. I don't want to think about it. Did I deserve it. Would he really spank me. Is that really what he wanted did he rape me because I wouldn't let him spank me._

_What am I doing. What is going to happen to me?_


	31. Saturday September 20: John reacts to Nosy Parker Entry

John: This isn't going to be easy.  
Elizabeth: Don't leave. You promised.  
John: Let's walk down to the beach. No I won't leave. I want to. I want to get on my bike and ride to the Canadian border. I don't want to talk about this. I knew we'd get here. I guess I hoped you had left this out. I wondered if this was in there.  
Elizabeth: It was in there. Of course, it was.

*

They walk down to the beach. There are white caps. There is a cool wind coming off the ocean. It is chilly. They sit down in the sand.  
Elizabeth: I should have brought your jacket.  
He puts his arm around her. She moves away.  
Elizabeth: Don't.  
She moves further.  
Elizabeth: I may leave today. I want you to know that.  
John: That happened a long time ago. I haven't done anything since you came that should make you want to leave.  
Elizabeth: No you haven't. You've been angry a couple of times.  
John: But you didn't feel unsafe.  
Elizabeth: A little at Cherry Hill and when you grabbed me.  
John: Ask me the questions.  
Elizabeth: Did you rape me to punish me?  
John: Punish you? Yes, I wanted to punish you. You defied me. I wanted you to understand you had to do what I wanted you to do.  
Elizabeth: You were going to spank me then you raped me.  
John: I wanted you to submit to me. Submit to the spanking to show you understood you had to do what I told you. And I had wanted to spank you for a while. You gave me the excuse. But you were angry, so angry and you wouldn't submit to the spanking. And I got excited by your anger and I wanted you to submit to me. ~~I was rough with you. You didn't want to have sex with me then.~~ Your resistance excited me. It felt primitive forcing you, primitive in a sexual way. You were so angry. But in the middle I could tell you had surrendered to me then you wanted the sex, wanted me. So I didn't think of it as rape.  
Elizabeth: I fought you. You forced me. You tore my clothes, your bruised my arms. I was sore. You hurt me. You didn't care that you were hurting me.  
John: I'm sorry.  
Elizabeth: What happened? Explain it to me. I want to understand.  
He takes her hand. She shakes it off.  
Elizabeth: Don't touch me.  
John: That was a long time ago. We are different now. I am different now.  
Elizabeth: Are you really? Or is that waiting in the wings somewhere. A spanking? A rape?  
John: You came back to me. You can say whatever you want about reading the journal and not knowing if you are giving me us a chance. But you came here because you want to come back to me. I don't' care if you deny it. You did. I know you did. And you can say you are afraid but you came up here with me. You have been on the houseboat alone with me. You are alone with me here. You initiated the sex the first day. You know it's different now. It would have been, could have been, different then if you would have given me a chance. Stop playing at this.  
Elizabeth: Explain that night. Explain it to me.  
John: You stayed. You stayed that night. You let me hold you, pet you, caress you after. The next morning you were still there. You could have left in the night. I wouldn't have stopped you. In the morning, I fed you and dressed you, you let me, and you went to work. You could have gone to work and sent for your things that next day. You could have refused to see me again, refused to talk to me after that night. You could have never come back but that night you came back to me to my place. Let me take you in my arms again. You didn't mind that much.  
Elizabeth: I was already addicted to you.  
John: You could have left me anytime. You were not my prisoner. You were not locked in my basement.  
Elizabeth: Explain that night. How did you know I'd gone through your things?  
John: I just knew. After I left, I thought about it and I knew. I knew you would.  
Elizabeth: You wanted an excuse to spank me. Hit me.  
John: I wanted different things at the same time. I was angry. I wanted you to understand that I made the rules. I wanted to make sure you understood that. But I did want to spank you. Wanted that for awhile. I wanted to see red marks on legs, your bare ass on your beautiful heart shaped ass. Red marks. I wanted to see if it would arouse you. I thought it would. I knew it would excite me.  
Elizabeth: You set it up.  
John: No I didn't. I didn't plan it. I didn't expect the call.  
Elizabeth: You could have let me leave.  
John: I wanted you to stay. I had told you what I wanted and you were smiling you agreed to let me take care of you. I wanted to come back to you. But after I left I knew. I knew you would go through my things. And I was angry because you weren't as submissive as I wanted you but I was also excited by the way you resisted me, fought back. Your sarcasm, your temper. I wanted to dominate you make you submit to me but it was sweeter when you resisted and then I forced you to submit. I wanted the resistance. After I had you down on the table and began to force you after a little while I felt you surrender to me, want me. And it made me want you, need you, more. I needed you more then than you needed me and I knew I couldn't ever let you know that. The sex with you was everything I wanted. I had to make you surrender to me or I thought I would lose you.  
Elizabeth: Were you really mad at me? Angry?  
John: I was, but I knew you would do it. I wanted you to do it. Look through my things. I knew you wouldn't be able to resist. That part of you attracted me. That you did what you wanted but you also surrendered to me. I wanted you to do it. So I could punish you.  
Elizabeth: Why?  
John: I don't know. Because that is what I did. The collector. The girl in the basement at my mercy. I could make her do whatever I wanted. She wasn't allowed to resist me.  
Elizabeth: Did you talk to the psychiatrist?  
John: I did. He said it was a form of control. That I needed control. That if things were out of control, I felt anxious. So I kept control. I could relax if I had control. That what I did with you with other women was bring you completely under my control. That that was the only way I could really relax sexually.  
Elizabeth:Why?  
John: When I was young my mother drank. She was a saint when she didn't drink. When she drank she would fly into rages and hit me and my brothers. I was the youngest I told you. I got the worst of it. My father didn't know. Or maybe he did and he didn't know what to do. She stopped drinking when I was eight. But Schulman said my need for control probably originated there in the fear of her violence. The times she was out of control. He said an out of control mother a violent mother does things to kids. The violence from her- she was out of control. That some part of me concluded that it was best for me to have a woman under control. That the way I understood it my father failed because he didn’t have her under control. And for me that combined or drove my Collector complex, the perfect control. The girl in the basement. That I would desire women I could control. That many men want women they can control. I just take it or took it to the extreme.  
Elizabeth: Everybody who had a violent parent doesn't do what you did. Want a girl in the basement.  
John: I said that. He said kids cope in different ways. My gift with numbers maybe made me go that path. Numbers are predictable. It is like they are always under control. They don't ever get violent and out of control.  
Elizabeth: So if you didn't dominate me keep me under control I could hurt you. You could lose me so I had be under your control. But doing what you did to me made you lose me.  
John: You are freezing. Your are shivering. Let's go back up to the house. I'll build a fire. You can get warm.  
Elizabeth: Answer me first. Did you continue on?  
John: Yes. I did.  
Elizabeth: Did you ever have a woman who was out of control, one you couldn’t control?  
John: Besides you?  
Elizabeth: Besides me.  
John: once.  
Elizabeth: what happened?  
John: She was violent. She stabbed me and I left her. I never saw her again. I was friends with her brother.  
Elizabeth: Violent like your mother?  
John: Like my mother. Worse than my mother.  
Elizabeth gets up. John gets up.  
John: Can I put my arm around you. I can tell you are cold. You are still shivering.  
Elizabeth: Okay but only for warmth.  
John: Of course only for warmth.

*

They are in front of the fire. In chairs. Sitting separately. Elizabeth is wrapped in a quilt.  
Elizabeth: You did what you did because you had a violent mother til you were eight.  
John: Hardly that simple.  
John: I was a numbers kid. I loved how numbers were predictable. I like control. As a child, violence terrified me. My mother's violence terrified me. But I know now that I am like her. Not the drinking but I can fly into a rage or become suddenly full of rage.  
Elizabeth: If you can get through this, I guess I can. Do you want to punish me for bringing this up.  
John: Hmmm. No. I feel relief. I dreaded it. But I feel relief.  
Elizabeth: You know there are worse parts ahead.  
John: How about we leave it now? Do you still want to go hear Henry's brother’s band play.  
Elizabeth: I do. I'm tired. I think I'd like a nap now. Or to go sit down by the beach again if I can find something warm enough.  
John: We need to get you a warm jacket.  
Elizabeth: Let's make a simple dinner together. Or just make a salad. There is a lot of leftover spaghetti. You make good spaghetti.  
John: Of course I make good spaghetti. We can take the car up to Henry's. It will be outdoors. He has a fire pit but those spots get taken first on chilly evenings. We have got to find warm clothes for you.  
Elizabeth: John, thank you.  
John kisses her.  
John: You are welcome.


	32. Sunday September 21: Elizabeth Cooks Omelets, Sleeping Giant Park

The next morning, when he wakes she is not in the bed. He sits up. Alarmed. Gets up. Pulls on jeans and a t-shirt. Goes down stairs.

She is in the kitchen, standing at the stove.

John: What are you doing?

Elizabeth: You sound angry.

John: I'm not angry. I want to know what you are doing in my kitchen. 

Elizabeth: What do you think I'm doing? Is this like going through your things? Nosy Parker don’t you call it? Do I get raped next?

John: Stop it. STOP IT. Didn't anything I said yesterday take with you? Stop bringing up rape. And no it's not like that.

Elizabeth: Then what is it like?

John: I don't like waking-up with you gone. Not in the bed. I want you there when I wake-up. 

Elizabeth: What about what I want?

John: What do you want?

Elizabeth: I want to make omelets for breakfast. I feel like an omelet.

John: I can make you an omelet.

Elizabeth: I want one of my omelets. Mine. Maybe I am not as good a cook as you. But there are things I make that I like. Swiss cheese omelet with alpha sprouts is one.

John: And mushrooms. 

Elizabeth: No. No mushrooms. No mushrooms John. 

John: You made coffee?

Elizabeth: Yes, but I was insecure about it. I don't grind my own coffee beans. I wasn't sure how fine to grind it or how much to use. 

John: What did you use?

Elizabeth: Thickish grind. Two tablespoons per cup. 

John: I usually go to three, will taste a bit weak. Medium grind. 

He looks at her. She shrugs.

John smiles: I’m sure it will be good enough.

Elizabeth: I'm just trying for good enough.

John walks over takes her in his arms. Kisses her. 

John: Plenty good enough. Swiss cheese and alpha sprouts sounds like something a Californian would make. 

Elizabeth: My son went to Berkeley. The first time I had it was when my son brought a California boy home at Christmas. He made it for us. I loved it. It is my favorite omelet.

John: What is your son's name?

Elizabeth: Jack. We call him Jack.

John: What is his name?

Elizabeth: His name is John William.

John: His name is John? Did you name your son after me?

Elizabeth laughs: You would think that. No. My husband named him. His grandfather was John. I said I'd rather not. Because I knew it would remind me of you. But he insisted. I could have been honest and told him why I didn't want to do it but I never told him about you, us. Nothing. We called him Jack early on and that was a relief.

John: Did you think ever he could have been our child?

Elizabeth: I did. Sometimes I'd wonder what our child would have been like. I’d look at him and wonder.

John: You have a child named John.

Elizabeth: I have a child named John and it had nothing whatsoever to do with you. Could we get back to omelets?

John: Okay. I'll try this California omelet that has no mushrooms or onions. I'm not a fan of sprouts, but I'll try it. And let me try this coffee of yours. 

Elizabeth: Okay. Brave of you. Shall I pour for you?

John: Please.

He sits up at the bar. 

John: I've never sat here and watched anyone cook in my kitchen.

Elizabeth: Does it make you anxious? Make you feel like things are out of control, out of your control. 

John: I'm not sure what I feel. I feel relief. I thought maybe you had left me. 

Elizabeth: I won't leave without telling you. I won't sneak away.

John: I don't want to think about your leaving.

Elizabeth: I don't have criteria. For staying or going. I came because I wanted to see if you would talk to me about our.. our.. what do you call it? Affair? Our love affair? What do you call it? 

John: I call it the time I was in love. You initiated sex. At lunch. That day, that first day the day of your note. You gave me your hand and then you put your foot between my legs. You were inviting me to have sex with you.

Elizabeth: I always, almost always, liked having sex with you. Sex was really never that good after you. I didn't plan to invite sex really. Initiate it. It just happened. When I was with you and you ordered for me I was curious, I wanted to see what you would tolerate. I wanted to see if you would drink from my glass. Eat from my fork.

John: It was a test. And I passed. 

Elizabeth: You passed. 

John: Is this a test? Your cooking in my kitchen. Waking-up before me. Coming down here. 

Elizabeth: I didn't plan it that way. I just got up and came down. And made coffee. And I knew there were sprouts, I love sprouts, sprouts and cucumbers are my favorites there was Swiss cheese here and eggs and I decided.

John: Would you wake me up and tell me you are going downstairs if you do it again. I can go back to sleep. I won't stop you. Just tell me you are getting up. Tell me what you are doing. If I wake up and you are not there, I don't like it.

Elizabeth: No. Okay. No. I won't leave without telling you. If you wake up and I am not there, I will be here somewhere. Having coffee or sitting on the deck. Or walking on the beach. I promise you I won't leave without telling you. I won't sneak away.

John: I thought you had come back to me. I'm not sure if you have.

Elizabeth: I came back to talk to you.

Elizabeth turns back to the stove. Mixing eggs measuring, cutting the Swiss into strips. Pulling sprouts out of the bunch.

Elizabeth: Do you want me to put mushrooms in yours. 

John: No. I want to try this California hippie Berkeley omelet. I could help.

Elizabeth: No. Sit there. Okay, set the table. Where do you want to eat?

John: At the table. I'll set it.

Elizabeth makes the omelets.

John: May I pour juice? Make some toast? 

Elizabeth: Okay.

*

They are at the table. John gets up clears the table, brings the coffee pot back, pours for her then himself.

John: Want some Kahlua in yours?

Elizabeth: A little. 

John: Goes with a California omelet don't you think.

Elizabeth: Did you like it? I think of California omelets as having peppers and cilantro and Mexican sausage. Tortillas bell peppers. I can make a good California Mexican scramble. Cut up tortillas and bell peppers, onion, cheddar cheese. Maybe you’d like it.

John: Your Berkeley omelet, it wasn't bad. Mushrooms would enhance it. Maybe a little green onion. But it was better than I thought. The sprouts give it an earthy taste. Yeah I did like it. 

Elizabeth: No journal today. What do you want to do?

John: Wanna go back to bed for awhile?

Elizabeth: No.

John: No?

Elizabeth: Maybe later.

John: I like sex in the morning with you.

Elizabeth: John, I am here at least for now. You can have sex almost any time you want with me. I'm pretty available. 

John: I know you are.

Elizabeth: I just don't want to go back up and have sex right now. 

John: Okay. For today, I thought we could take the motorcycle - or we could take the car - and spend the day at Sleeping Giant Park. The trees will be turning a little. I can make a picnic lunch. Or we can pick up stuff in town. There are trails. There is a small waterfall, probably almost dry this time of year. But still a trickle of a waterfall. But I know a hot springs there. We could sneak in to the hot springs tonight - it's a mineral springs. We could bbq in the evening. Have a campfire. The spring is in a part of the park that is pretty hidden. You have to know about the hot springs to find it. You have to hike in a bit. Go through a narrow canyon opening. I doubt anybody would be there. I usually go there a few hours after dark.

Elizabeth: There is a museum I'd like to go to while I am here. The Wodsworth Antheneum. The have some pieces I'm interested in. An O'keefe, a Wyeth. I have never been there. I'd like to go. It doesn't have to be today. But I would like to go. 

John: Okay, Sleeping Giant picnic some hiking for today and then next Wodsworth Antheneum. Tomorrow or the next day.

Elizabeth: Are we going back to The City? 

John: Soon. A few more days.

*

Elizabeth follows John through the brush. There is a faint trail. There is a moon high up. It is 3 hours after dark. Cliff faces on each side.  
Elizabeth: How do you know your way?  
John reaches back takes her hand squeezes it and pulls her into a small clearing. Across the clearing is a a dark pool surrounded by stones. A steamy mist hovers over pool.  
Elizabeth: This is like a fairy glen or something.  
John walks over to the edge of the pool, pulls her with him. He begins taking his clothes off.  
Elizabeth: We are getting in there?  
John: I am getting in there.  
John slides into the pool.  
John: You'll be surprised by how good it feels. Come on.  
Elizabeth: Take off everything?  
John: Unless you want to wear wet underwear home. And being naked makes sex easier.  
Elizabeth disrobes and sides in .  
Elizabeth: Oh it feels so good.  
John dives under the water comes up with a stone. Puts the stone on the bank of the pool  
Elizabeth: What are you doing?  
John: There are stones in the bottom of the pool. Tradition to take a few out to add to the stones on the bank. I always take one or two out. The friend who showed me this place told me about the tradition. The friend who brought me here .  
Elizabeth: Male or female.  
John: Jealous? No need to worry. The guy who sold me the house. We had talked about boxing, I told him I was going to put a bag in the garage. Told him I still hit a bag once in a while. There is a bag out in the garage with the motorcycle. He said he knew about a secret mineral spring that was a great treatment for sore muscles. Made me promise to never show it anyone. Said it is a well guarded secret.  
Elizabeth: So have you ever shown it to anyone?  
John: Just you.  
Elizabeth: But you weren't supposed to show it to me.  
John: Well he showed it to me. I figured you get one exception.  
Elizabeth: I'm your exception.  
John: You certainly are.  
Moves over to her puts his arms around her. Kisses her.  
John: You feel so good. Put your legs around me.

John stops in front of the house. Gets off the motorcycle. Helps Elizabeth off.  
John: I'll put the bike away. Let's have a shower before bed. I'll join you after I put the bike away.  
Elizabeth kisses him.  
Elizabeth: Today. Tonight. John. Thank you, kind sir.


	33. Monday September 22: Boxing in the Garage.

Early morning.  
John gets up. Elizabeth is sleeping.  
John: Elizabeth, I'm going out in the garage to work out for a little while.  
Elizabeth opens her eyes.  
Elizabeth: Too early.  
She closes her eyes. John kisses her. Straightens the covers around her.

John is on one side of the garage hitting a heavy bag. John is bare chested, in red boxing shorts, gloved and soft shoes laced up. His chest and back are glistening with sweat. His motorcycle and an old jeep are off to his right in the garage.  
Elizabeth walks in.  
Elizabeth: Doesn't it get cold out here in the winter.  
John: I have heaters. The building is insulated.  
Elizabeth: I didn't know you had a jeep.  
John: How could you know that?  
Elizabeth: You could have told me.  
John: I have an old jeep.  
Elizabeth: Why? The Audi and an old jeep?  
John: That jeep will go up the side of a mountain. Cross a stream. Go through ice and snow. Use it every winter.  
Elizabeth: Oh. Could I hit the bag?  
John: Is that something you want to do?  
Elizabeth: It might be fun.  
John: Sure. I can get you some gloves.  
Elizabeth: Not with my hands?  
John: No you can't hit the bag with your hands. We'll get you some gloves. I'll show you how.  
Elizabeth: I made coffee do you want me to bring some out to you.  
John: I'm done. I'll come in.  
Elizabeth puts her arms around him.  
Elizabeth: You smell good.  
John: Good huh?  
Elisabeth sniffs him.  
Elizabeth: Yeah good like cinnamon, apples and curry.  
John: I do huh. And that's a smell you like.  
Elizabeth: It's your smell. I like it. Lots of positive associations to that smell.  
John: I'll get a shower and then I'll make you breakfast.  
Elizabeth: I'll make you breakfast. You shower and I'll make omelets.  
John: Mushroom and onion in mine.  
Elizabeth: Okay. Then Journal.  
John: What horrible journal entry am I going to be subjected to today?  
Elizabeth: Maybe it won't be too bad.


	34. Elizabeth's Journal 11: Buying clothes

Elizabeth reads

 _He takes me_ sho _pping. He doesn't care about the cost. He picks out the dresses. Only what appeals to him. He doesn't ask what I want. What I like. he doesn't care what I like. Only what he wants to see me in._

_I model for him. He smiles his approval or shakes his head._

_I ask him do you want to know if I like it._

_He smiles that smile. That smile, vaguely amused. Slightly pleased with himself, pleased with me, pleased, amused. He shakes his head. Mouths the word no. I think of another a Dalí. Burning Giraffe. I am the woman in the painting. I am propped up for him. I am full of drawers. But he isn’t interested in what’s inside me, who I have been, my likes, my memories. What’s in my drawers. I push the image away. I don’t care. I just want to be with him. Maybe I am the burning giraffe._

_I am his plaything. Not his playmate I am his plaything._

_And I don't care._

_As long as he doesn't leave me._

_As long as he doesn't put me aside._


	35. Monday September 22: John reacts to Dress Buying entry

John: Let’s go over to the museum and see the paintings you want to see, then eat here and go back out to the hot springs. I'll make onion soup and put it in a crockpot before we go. Lets enjoy the day and talk about the journal tonight in the hot springs. Let’s wait to talk about this entry until we are there.  
Elizabeth: Okay. I love your hot springs.

It's nearly 11:00PM. They have gone back to Sleeping Giant Park. Taken the motorcycle, hidden it and hiked in. John knows the way. The moon is waning, but still bright enough. And they have a flashlight but only need it a few times. There is no one at the hot springs. They undress. Fold their clothes neatly by side. Slide into the water. The steam floats up into the cool fall air.  
Elizabeth: I love this spring.  
John: Come here.  
She floats over to him, wraps her legs around him. Kisses him.  
Elizabeth: Sex feels so different here. The water feels good. It is so warm. It makes sex feel so clean.  
John: Haven’t you ever had sex in the water?  
Elizabeth: The first time was here with you. I haven’t, not really, before with you here. Some foreplay in water I guess. You have I suppose.  
John: A few times. Not here before. Not like this. Everything's better with you.  
John: So what questions do you have? About the shopping, the clothes?  
Elizabeth: Why did you put me in black? The clothes were all the same really. All rather snug fitting. Tasteful, sophisticated, but snug. Not like the baggy things I wore before.  
John: The black, the style? I liked your silhouette. Wanted to see the shape of your body. All the time. Wanted the clothes to show your shape. And you've said I wasn't jealous, and I wasn't, because you never gave me any reason to be, but I didn't want you in bright colors attracting the attention of other men. I didn't want other men paying attention to you.  
John: What about the burning giraffe?  
Elizabeth: When I asked you if you wanted to know if I liked the dress, you said no. I thought of the woman in Burning Giraffe later. Just what I said in my note. If the drawers were parts of me that could be opened, you weren’t interested. You didn’t care. For you I might as well be empty. Just a propped up woman with empty drawers. I think it was a warning.  
John: Of what?   
Elizabeth: That you didn’t want to know me as a person. Okay I never asked you this. Did you ever want to dress like a woman?  
John laughs: No  
Elizabeth: But all that, brushing my hair and bathing me and dressing me, maybe it was your way of being almost a woman.  
John: Don't think so. Felt more like controlling you. The Collector again. A version of the girl in the basement.  
Elizabeth: Would you ever cross dress like I did?  
John: I could. Never done it. I've never had any interest in doing it. Is it something you are interested in? Would find erotic?  
Elizabeth: Not really.  
John: The way I took care of you, didn’t you like it?  
Elizabeth: I did. At first. It felt good to just give over control to you. I could just be, I didn’t have to think or do anything. For awhile I liked it. One of my students was into Japanese binding you know Kinbaku, the ropes. He did photography of the women after they were bound, as they were being bound. It is a whole art form. The ropes but the pictures too. The women they just surrender. Well there are some men too. But I was thinking of the women. You see it in their posture, their faces. It’s nice to just surrender. But after awhile I wanted color, I wanted to assert myself again. Do you have questions?  
John: I don’t know about Kinbaku.  
Elizabeth: My student went to a place in Milan. It’s on the internet. I’ll show you. He did photography for different places but he studied in Milan. I thought you might know it.  
John: No I don’t. Did you do that?  
Elizabeth: Was I ever bound? No. But I thought of you when I saw his pictures. The women looked like I felt with you. The surrender.   
John: What do you mean?  
Elizabeth: They way they surrender. To the ropes. To the man tying them. I'll show you later. You’ll see in pictures of them. The surrender. You can see it. In their faces. Their bodies.  
John: Okay. it sounds interesting. And I want to see a picture of the burning Giraffe. I'd like to go see it if it's on display We could go.  
Elizabeth: Maybe. Let's see where we are at the end of this.  
John: You worried a lot about my leaving you. It's in your journal. I didn't know that.  
Elizabeth: I did.  
Elizabeth: You would threaten me. From the beginning. "You can ask me to leave." If I didn't go along with you, you'd tell me to leave or you'd threaten to leave. It didn't seem like you were very worried about my leaving you. You communicated over and over you could do just fine without me.  
John: Lies. Part of my way of controlling you. You had to think whatever I wanted was the only way.   
Elizabeth: I wasn’t thinking about leaving you. I wanted to stay as long as you wanted me. I knew there wouldn’t be anyone else like you  
John: Your husband?  
Elizabeth: A very nice man, very decent guy. Very good to me, very kind.  
John: Why did you leave him?  
Elizabeth: For his own sake in a way. He had an affair with a female student.  
John: Oh.  
Elizabeth: He said he loved me, said he was so sorry but that she looked at him in ways I never would. He was right. I never got over you. I cared about him, I appreciated him, I was happy with him because I didn't need much. After you, I knew there wouldn't be anybody like you. He was good enough. Better than good enough. But he needed more, deserved more. I knew he would never leave me. He loved me. But I couldn't give him what he wanted.  
John: But you can give me what I want.  
Elizabeth: Maybe I can give you what you want.  
John: You can.  
Elizabeth: We'll see.  
John: What happened to him?  
Elizabeth: He married the student; he made her ecstatically happy. They have three kids. He used to come around from time to time. Get a little sentimental. "If only" stuff. We'd have wine. He's faithful to her. At least he was never unfaithful to her with me.  
John: What if I had come for you?  
Elizabeth: What do you mean?  
John: If I had come for you after you married him.  
Elizabeth: I don't know. We'd have had to deal with the things that happened at the end.  
John: What happened?  
Elizabeth: The Chelsea Hotel.  
John: Elizabeth, you have blown that out of proportion.  
John: What would have happened if you met someone like me?  
Elizabeth laughs: Come on John there is no one like you. Did any of your women ever get over you? Isn't it that you went around ruining women for any man that came after you?  
John: I don’t think so. I don’t think I did that.  
Elizabeth: You did it with me.  
John: I could say the same thing.  
Elizabeth: What?  
John: You ruined me for anyone that came after you. Nobody was like you with me. My marriage was similar to yours. I just wanted somebody good enough.  
Elizabeth: Molly said to me once. Wait I said to her, I can’t figure this guy, you, out and she said maybe it’s true love.  
John: ~~True love huh. Chemistry maybe.~~ It's something.   
Elizabeth: I worried you’d tire of me.  
John: I didn’t. I don’t think I would have. You left me, you didn’t give me the chance to tire of you or not to tire of you  
Elizabeth:It was good in the beginning.   
John: The middle part was good too.  
John: I’m not tired of you now.  
Elizabeth: That's because I let you take me on your motorcycle to hot springs in the middle of the night. And then let you have sex with me.  
John: That's probably it. 

E


	36. Tuesday September 23: Son on a Navajo Reservation

Early morning. John awakens. Elizabeth is sitting in a chair by the bed sketching him. He rubs his eyes.  
John: Were you drawing me?  
Elizabeth: You look angelic when you sleep. You always did.  
John: You slept with me for two months. Always overstates it a little don't you think.  
Elizabeth: When I was with you those brief two months I thought you looked angelic when you slept. And I am drawing you.  
John: Come over here. Let me see this drawing. And get back in this bed.  
Elizabeth closes the sketch book puts it on the chair and walks over to the bed.  
John scoots over. Lifts the blankets. Pats the spot where he was lying.  
John: This is a good warm spot. You won't let me see it.  
Elizabeth: Not yet.  
She gets in bed. He kisses her.  
John: Could you live here? In this house I mean?  
Elizabeth: What are the winters like?  
John: We could spend the winter here and you could see.  
Elizabeth: I want to go see my son sometime before Christmas.  
John: I'll take you to China. We could go together.  
Elizabeth: We haven't talked about your son? Where is he?  
John: Ah my son. He's a pediatrician. He's working on a Navajo reservation. He isn't speaking to me at present. My son is a gifted heart surgeon a pediatric cardiac surgeon and he is on a Navajo reservation. And I disapproved. I have a right to my opinion. He is wasted there. Any pediatrician could go there. Why is he there? He doesn't need to be there.  
Elizabeth: I'm not arguing with you. You don't' need to be mad at me.  
John: Let's get up. I wanted to have sex with you but I am out of the mood now.  
Elizabeth: Too bad. I'm in the mood now.  
John: Get on your knees. If you are going to force me into having sex with you, I want to do it from the back.  
Elizabeth: Not anal.  
John: Anal if I want to.  
Elizabeth: No. I'll get up.  
John: Now you have me back in the mood. You can't get up. No anal. Okay.  
Elisabeth: You weren't going to say I don't want to negotiate with you were you ?  
John Of course not. I have stricken that phrase from my vocabulary.  
Strokes her back. Leans over her, kisses her neck.  


John is pouring coffee. Elizabeth is sitting at the bar.  
John: Do you want something fancy for breakfast? Eggs Benedict? Omelet? Pancakes?  
Elizabeth: I'm happy with toast, a scone and some fruit. A muffin I like your coffee. A big breakfast once a week but the other days, I like something simple. Those scones we got from the nuns were especially good. I wouldn't mind some more of those.  
John: What about this morning? I make a nice oatmeal. Dates, cinnamon. English muffins.  
Elizabeth: Okay.  
John: I want to talk to you abut these journal entries. How many are there.  
Elisabeth: I haven't counted. Do you want me to count.  
John: I do. I said every other day, but I may want to change that.  
Elizabeth: More time between the journal entries.  
John laughs: No less.  
Elizabeth: Less?  
John: Elizabeth, I want to get through this and be on the other side.  
Elizabeth: You want to do an entry every day.  
John: More than one even. I want to get finished.  
Elizabeth: Are you tired of me?  
John looks at her. Shakes his head mouths no. Walks over to her. Puts his arms around her. Kisses her.  
John: I like having you around. Want to get this part over so we can see if we might have some sort of future.  
Elizabeth: What do you mean?  
John turns back to the cupboard takes out Irish Cut Oatmeal.  
John: Oatmeal with raisins and dates and muffins.  
Elizabeth: I'll do the dishes.  
John: After breakfast, I want to hear an entry.  
Elizabeth: I'll go up and get the journal. After I'm done with the dishes, let's sit over by the fire. 

They are sitting by the fire. Elizabeth is flipping pages.  
Elizabeth: There are 13 more entries.  
John: Okay. I'd like to hear a couple of them. Tomorrow I should go down to The City. Do you want to go with me? Go back to the houseboat or to the hotel?  
Elizabeth: I could go or stay. I really like it here. I like this house. I like how it feels being here with you.  
John: I like it too.  
Elizabeth: You know the penthouse?  
John: I know the Penthouse.  
Elizabeth: I don't' really think I need it. It's nice. I like the deck. But I don't think I need a place separate from you. I want to be with you on the houseboat when we go back.  
John: What if things get tense between us before we are finished?  
Elizabeth: You have separated yourself from me over what's in the entries more than I have from you.  
John: We'll get your things then when we go back. I'll call them and tell them. Or if you decided to stay here I'll pick them up.  
Elizabeth: Will they refund the money?  
John: Probably, some. It doesn't matter though. It gave you peace of mind.  
Elizabeth: It did. Thank you.  
John: From the day I took you to the houseboat, that first day, not now back then, the day I gave you the shawl I knew I couldn't rush you.  
Elizabeth: No. At the end, you forgot that though.  
John: At the end I forgot a lot of things.  
Elizabeth: Ready?  
John: Born ready.  



	37. Elizabeth's Journal 12 : Brushing Hair on a rainy day

Elizabeth reads

_He brushes my hair. My hair has never been brushed like this. He holds the hair in his hands. Feathers it out. Lets the light shine through it. Let's it flutter down. He looks at it. He is fascinated with my hair. I don't understand it but it is soothing the way he brushes my hair. It makes me relax._

_Why does he want to brush my hair?_

_No one ever brushed my hair like this. I don't' brush my hair. I just wash it and fluff it up._

_It is raining. We are sitting on the floor. He is very close to me he is brushing my hair. I ask him if her took care of the others like he takes care of me. He puts his arms around me. Kisses me on the cheek. Smiles._

_He doesn't answer._

_I want to ask him about the picture in his drawer. I have never gone in his drawers again._

_I do not ask about her about the picture._

_I can't do anything that would anger him. I want to keep this tenderness._


	38. Tuesday September 23: John reacts to The Hair Brushing Entry

John: Let me add to the fire. September gets chilly. And I’ll answer whatever questions you have.  
Elizabeth: Okay. Do you want Kahlua?  
He builds the fire. He sits in the other chair. Elizabeth sits on the floor in front of the fireplace.  
John: Maybe. Let's see how it goes.  
Elizabeth: Why did you brush my hair?  
John: I found it soothing. Relaxing. It was equivalent to petting a cat. People will sit and pet cats for hours. And sometimes you would even make little sounds that were kind of like purring. You liked it. I thought you liked it.  
Elizabeth: I did. I probably did purr. It was relaxing. I never brushed my own hair much. My mother didn’t. She would wash it and sort of fluff it up. And I did that too. When you go to have a haircut they brush your hair. I would think of you then. I got tired of being fed by you, bathing me was okay. Dressing me was weird. Honestly you weren’t really that good at it. But your brushing my hair was heavenly.  
John: I could brush your hair now. By the fire.  
Elizabeth: I’d like that but I have another question.  
John: Okay.  
Elizabeth: Who was the woman in the picture? When I went through you things, my nosy Parker thing, I found a picture of you with a woman. You looked happy together.  
John: It was a wedding photo.  
Elizabeth: I thought your first marriage was after I left you.  
John: No. I had a brief marriage, a little less than 6 months. It was annulled. It wasn't much of a marriage. Just something that happened.  
Elizabeth: Just something that happened to you?  
John: She was French. I met her in Paris. I was there doing a math thing. I was 22. In grad school. Her brother was in the math thing with me. He was a math prodigy, one of my professors from University of Chicago wanted us to get together.  
Elizabeth: Were you a math prodigy?  
John: Some people called me that.  
John: After the second day of the class the guy Maximilian, Max, and I went for dinner and his sister showed up and joined us. His sister mesmerized me.  
Elizabeth: Did you fall in love?  
John: In lust.  
Elizabeth: What happened?  
John: She was wildly passionate about sex about food about ideas, about everything. She was possessive, moody, jealous. Paranoid. Brilliant like her brother. Her friends were rich. Decadent. Drugs. Sex. Avante guard music, dance, art.  
Elizabeth: What happened?  
John: We married after 3 weeks. She insisted. I was in a kind of constant state of blissful sexual arousal. Some days it seemed like we had sex all day. I took a leave of absence from school. She was from a wealthy French family. She had a place in Paris. A beautiful place. A generous allowance. We had sex, went to cafes, galleries, parties her friends gave. Stayed up all night, slept and had sex all day. Fought, made up. She accused me of looking at other women. I didn’t. Hadn’t. She accused me of not loving her enough. Of treating her badly. I treated her well. I played none of my games with her. She threatened to kill herself whenever she didn’t get her way. Kill me. After 3 months, she stabbed me during an argument. Caught a bit of my liver. I was in the hospital 3 days. She cried, she begged me not to leave her. She was extravagantly remorseful. I told her after the stabbing, I’d leave her if she threatened me with a knife ever again. Three weeks later, she did it again, she met me at the door with a knife because I got home late. She accused me of being with one of her friends. I hadn’t been. The next day I packed my things and left. I came back to the States. She called. She screamed at me. Threatened me. Threatened herself. She cried, she begged me to come back. It went on for a month. I had filed papers to have the marriage annulled. Her father called and begged me to come back to her. Her brother said they were afraid she would kill herself if I didn’t come back. I said to call her doctor. That I wasn’t going to be manipulated any more by her threats. Two days later, she killed herself.  
Elizabeth: How horrible.  
John: She’d tried before me. Her brother called her Lady Lazarus. Threatening suicide was the way she controlled people. I don’t think she meant to do it. She overdosed on the equivalent of Tylenol. She’d overdosed before but she always called her brother and he’d come or send someone and they’d pump her stomach. His cell was stolen the day before and he hadn’t gotten it replaced. So he never got her calls. I had changed my number so I never got the calls either. Her parents blamed me. Her brother didn’t. Her brother and I stayed friends. He said he knew it would happen eventually if not with me, the next guy, or the next time she didn’t get her way. There was a lot of depression in the family. The grandmother had also committed suicide. Her brother lived here in the States for years. He’s back in Paris now. He worked on Wall Street did well. I see him once a year or so.  
Elizabeth: You kept her picture.  
John: I did. I still have it.  
Elizabeth: You couldn’t control her.  
John: No one could control her.  
Elizabeth: But after, you made sure you were with women who wanted to please you, women you could control.  
John: She made my Collector fantasies worse.  
Elizabeth: You thought you could control me.  
John: I did. I wanted to. But I couldn’t.  
Elizabeth: Do you want to brush my hair?  
John: Yes. Would you like that?  
Elizabeth. I’d like that. I’ll be as cat-like as possible; I’ll purr.  
John: Read me the next one. Then after that one I'll brush your hair.  
Elizabeth: okay 


	39. Elizabeth's journal 13: John throws her shoes away and throws her hat

Elizabeth reads

_We are walking together. We pass a window with a beautiful white dress. I love the dress. ~~He dresses me only in black.~~_

_I ask him, wasn't that a beautiful dress. John say that was a beautiful dress._

_I am carrying some shoes I've had the straps fixed on they are beautiful shoes. He doesn't like them he wants me to throw them away_

_I am carrying my hat._

_He doesn't answer me. About the dress. Instead he grabs the shoes and throws them in the trash can and he takes my hat and throws it high up in the air._

_I have to dig my shoes out of the trash can and run after my hat and he is amused. Laughing. He acts like a twelve year old boy._

_Why do I find everything he does so charming._

_I am an idiot._


	40. Tuesday September 23: John Reacts to throwing  away the shoes entry

John: you weren’t an idiot. What though? What do you want to know?  
Elizabeth: What was wrong with my shoes?  
John: I only wanted you wearing what I picked out. Wearing those shoes was a rebellion against me. Rebellion.  
Elizabeth: Please. Rebellion? What like I was a colony and you were England.  
John: Yes. The colonies were to serve England. You were to serve me.  
Elizabeth: I loved those shoes. What about throwing my hat? Why?  
John: Pigtail pulling. Just liked teasing you. Liked to hear you squeal, liked to see you run after your hat. Part of the fun of being with you. You were such a good sport. Loved that about you.  
Elizabeth: I was so in love with you. It made everything you did charming.  
John: Almost everything.

John: Elizabeth I should go in to the city in the morning. Do you want to stay here or go with me?  
Elizabeth: I'd like to stay here, I feel at home here. But I don't feel quite comfortable staying here by myself. I guess I'll go with you. I can check out.  
John: I go in once a week. We probably have another week before we get through the journal. It is going to get colder as we get toward October. It's beautiful up here in the fall or we could go up to Vermont or somewhere.  
Elizabeth: I would like to go back to the museum. I didn't see as much as I wanted. I'd like to try hitting your punching bag. I'd like to go back to the hot springs again.  
John: I went once after it snowed.  
Elizabeth: At night?  
John: Just after dark. It was a full moon.  
Elizabeth: I'd like to do that.  
John: Let's go down to the city tomorrow morning. I'll go in to the office. Let's stay a last night at the Tribeca. We'll check you out the next day. I should go by the houseboat. Then we'll come back here and stay another week. See if we can't finish the journal.  
Elizabeth: Do you want to do one more entry today?  
John: Tonight. Let's go out for a while. Want to draw? Go into town.  
Elizabeth: Town I think. Lunch in town. What are you making for dinner?  
John: I'm cooking? You are letting me cook?  
Elizabeth: You’re a good cook, John.  
John: Roast Fish with Cannellini Beans and Green Olives.  
Elizabeth: What kind of fish?  
John: Any kind of white fish - cod, haddock. I'll get something in town. I'll cook you clean up. We'll have a fire and one more entry. Then we will only have eleven to do.  
Elizabeth: Okay. 

Elizabeth is doing the dishes. John is tending the fire.  
John: I'm going out to the garage to bring in a couple more logs.  
Elizabeth: Okay, I'm nearly done. I'll get the journal. 

John comes back in adds one log to the fire puts one next to the fireplace.  
Elizabeth; Do you ever sleep down here by the fire.  
John: I have fallen asleep down here a few times. There is a fireplace in my bedroom but the previous owners walled it up. I've thought of getting an estimate to see what it would cost to restore it.  
Elizabeth: A fireplace in there? Where?  
John: Outside wall across from the bed.  
Elizabeth: Ummm.  
John: Okay. Ruin my evening.


	41. Elizabeth's Journal 14: The Clock tower

Elizabeth reads

_I go home. I've had enough. It is too weird. This dressing me and feeding me and bathing me and it’s that he’s controlling me. I am tired of it. I want something real. I don’t answer my phone. I tell them at the gallery to say I'm out._

_He comes and knocks on my door. I do not open it. He won’t go away. I open the door to his plea. He comes in smiling. Charming me. I miss you. He is laughing. He doesn’t take my escape seriously._ _I want to hit him. I hit him he turns his back the blows fall on his back. He lets me hit him._ _Get out. I don’t want you any more. He is laughing. The boxing has made him agile and strong. I am not afraid he will hit me. I know he won’t hurt me. Not now. Not when I’m angry. He’ll charm me. Tease me. My blows do nothing. My fury amuses him._

_I send him away. He comes back I keep the chain fastened. I am angry. Just go away. I won’t take the chain off. He teases, he cajoles through the narrow opening. He offers a single daisy likely pilfered from some bouquet somewhere. His charm is irresistible. I let him in. He acts contrite. I tell him to leave. </em>_

_I can't stand this. I want him. I go back to him._

_I am his his plaything again. He gets a white garter belt. He is pleased with it, pleased with himself. I am his dress-up doll but he makes me laugh. I love his laugh. I can’t bear it if I can’t hear his laugh see him laughing, his pleasure in things, in me._

_He takes me to a building with the clock on the top and at the top he begins undressing me. His desire is urgent, hurried, he pushes me against the wall and the clock mechanisms are turning and clicking and he takes off my shirt opens his shirt takes down his pants lifts my skirt and the sex at the top of the clock tower is so good. He likes the danger that we will be caught. He likes the public place the risk and I surrender to his excitement and it floods me with desire for him._

_There are no other men like this ._

_What if I lose him. It will never be okay for me without him._

_I will be like the addict who gives up the drug and nothing ever replaces it, that is how it will be for me. It will be moving through dead space without him. It will never be like this again._

_Where does this end._

_He'll go too far._

_I know he will go too far._

_I just don't know how_

_Or when._


	42. Tuesday September 23: John reacts to the clock tower entry

John: You have questions?  
Elizabeth: The clock tower. Why?  
John: I used to go up there from time to time.  
Elizabeth: I wondered if you had taken women there before.  
John: I hadn’t. Had been there alone. I liked it up there. I like the mechanisms of the clock. I was just going to show it to you, I hadn’t planned to take you there for sex. But then I started imaging having sex with you up there. It was all I could think about. I wanted to have sex with you listening to the clock machinery there. next to the clock machinery. You can feel it moving in the air. By the time I got us there having sex with you felt urgent. I needed you urgently. You felt so good. I loved kissing you. I loved your breasts. I loved entering you being inside you. God Elizabeth there was never anyone like you.  
Elizabeth: Did you take other women there after I left.  
John: One. It was empty. Left me feeling empty. It was an experiment. I wanted to believe I felt the excitement I felt because of the place not because of you.  
Elizabeth: Well too bad. You should have treated me better.  
John: I should have. I will now.  
Elizabeth: Did you think you’d lost me when I went back to my place.  
John: No. Another little rebellion, I thought I could charm you out of.  
Elizabeth: You did. I couldn’t resist that smile.  
John: You still can’t.  
Elizabeth: I still can’t.

Elizabeth: The next two are us in the rain and then when I got sick.  
John: Let's do them in the hotel tomorrow night. Let's go to bed. Could I get you another garter belt and stockings. Maybe black this time instead of white.  
Elizabeth: At my age? A garter belt.  
John: What is wrong with your age? A garter belt would look nice. I thought of you in that garter belt long after you left me.  
Elizabeth: It made us both laugh.  
John: Want to go up to bed?  
Elizabeth: Wish we could sleep down here by the fire  
John: The couch makes into a bed. It isn't that comfortable but we could sleep here if that is what you want.  
Elizabeth: Lets do.  
John: I'll open it and get some sheets. And blankets.

  
They sit looking into the fire in the fold out bed. Elizabeth falls asleep curled next to him. John reads more of The Magus. He keeps his hand on her while he reads. John gets up a couple of time to add wood to the fire. Finally lies down next to her, wraps her in his arms without waking her and falls asleep next to her.


	43. Wednesday September 24: Back down to the Hotel and New York City

They drive back down to The City. John drops Elizabeth at the hotel. Tells her he will be gone all day.  
Elizabeth goes to the penthouse. Sits on the roof deck for awhile then goes out shopping. She buys a flannel night gown, a garter belt, some seamed stockings. Black ones.  
She buys a bustier. A heavy wool sweater. And some wool socks.  
She buys John oatmeal cookies and some figs. 

She comes back, plans to take a nap on the deck but as the afternoon wears on the roof deck gets cold so she comes down.  
Shortly after she comes down, John knocks on the door.  
She let's him in.  
Elizabeth: I should have given you a key.  
John: You should have. Room service or want to be taken out for dinner.  
He sees the packages.  
John: You've been shopping. May I see.  
Elizabeth: Sure.  
John begins going through the packages. He finds the flannel nightgown first.  
Elizabeth: Its a little drafty at the Connecticut house.  
John holds up the garter, the bustier.  
John: What's this?  
Elizabeth: I don't know how those got there. Must have been put in with my things by accident.  
John: How did I ever let you leave me?  
Elizabeth: Good question.  
Elizabeth: Do you know a pizza place. I'd like pizza and then to read the next two entries in the journal.  
John: Want to read them at dinner.  
Elizabeth: No back here later after diner.

They are back from dinner.  
John is sitting in the chair. Want to read them in bed?  
Elizabeth: I miss the Connecticut house. I really like it there.  
John: You belong there.  
Elizabeth: Get me some Ice Wine and get in bed and I'll read these next two to you  
John: Okay.


	44. Elizabeth's journal 15: The rainy Day

Elizabeth's reads:

_He is standing in the rain under an umbrella and I am standing in front of him a little ways away outside the umbrella and the rain is coming down gently all around us and my hair is wet and I put my hat on and my hat is wet and he is looking at me with such tenderness. A tenderness that breaks my heart because no one has ever looked at me with that tenderness. That love. And I know when this ends no one will ever look at me that way again. No man will ever replace him. But he will get tired of me. There are other women before me. There will be others after me. But now for now he looks at me with that look and I am his. Only his._

_I worry I will always be only his. After he has moved on. I will still only want him. Want that look. Spend the rest of my life looking for another man who look at me that way._


	45. Wednesday September 24: John reacts to the  standing in the rain entry

John: Was it true?  
John: That there was no one else who ever looked at you that way?  
Elizabeth: It was true. No one ever did.  
John: But men look at you with interest, desire. Even in the restaurant. That day a week ago, I saw men looking at you.  
Elizabeth: Not your look. Never your look. Not the way you looked at me.  
John: Do you have any questions?  
Elizabeth: Do you remember that day? What you felt.  
John: By then I was in love with you. What you saw in my face was me being in love with you. Wanting you not just sexually but emotionally I guess spiritually. All those ways that being in love makes you feel about someone else, want someone ~~else~~.  
Elizabeth: It was that look I was always wanting to come back to.  
John: Do you still see it?  
Elizabeth: I still see it.

John: Okay what's next. One more.  
Elizabeth: Are we going back to Connecticut tomorrow.  
John: Yeah. We'll check you out in the morning and take your things up to Connecticut.  
John: Okay, let's do this.


	46. Elizabeth's Journal 16: Sick in bed

Elizabeth reads

_I'm sick in bed. Flu._

_Sick in his bed._

_I have a fever of 103._ _He tells me this. He is taking my temperature every 4 hours. He isn't going in to work. He is staying with me. Waiting on me. Nursing me. He has called the gallery and told them I won't be in, that I am sick. I sleep. I ache. My whole body hurts. He coos to me. You'll be better soon. I'll take care of you._

 _And I can barely hold my head up and he is Florence Nightingale._ _I manage to say this. You are Florence Nightingale and he laughs. I think he laughs. I fall back to sleep._

_And there are two dozen roses by the bed he has brought but I must have been sleeping._

_And he has gone out this morning for chicken and he tells me he is making his chicken soup and he tells me again he will take care of me he likes saying it he likes me to know it and I am sleeping all the time I am just sleeping. But sometimes I am too hot. And I throw off all the covers. And he puts them back on. And sometimes I am freezing. And he brings an extra_ _blanket_

_He says I got too wet and cold and I got sick._

_I know you don't get sick from being wet and cold the flu is a virus but I am too sick to tell him. I go back to sleep and when I wake he is sitting there with soup . This will make you feel better. I made this soup. And he feeds me the soup. He wipes my chin. And I fall back to sleep and he wakes me up to take my temperature. And I am so tired._

_But the soup helped. I feel better._

_I am awake more. I tell him when he gets sick I will take care of him. He says I don't' get sick._


	47. Wednesday September 24: John reacts to the Elizabeth's being sick entry

John: What questions do you have?  
Elizabeth: How can you be so tender. How could you be so tender, so gentle so caring and still say you were going to spank me, throw me on the table and...  
John: Wait. I’ve answered your questions on the spanking and the table. About caring for you when you were sick. Part of it was the collector. Again. Even though you weren’t a captive in my basement, that is how I thought about you. That is how I wanted you. I had to take care on my captive. My prisoner. You had volunteered for captivity. My virtual basement. To please me. But the prisoner must be cared for. It was my responsibility as the captor to take care of you.  
Elizabeth: And the others.  
John: What others?  
Elizabeth: When the others got sick, did you care for them?  
John: No. I was concerned. Showed concern. But it was different with you. It was so different with you. I was as obsessed with you as you were with me.  
Elizabeth: You took their temperatures, you made them soup.  
John: No. You were different.  
Elizabeth: What? What was different?  
John: I loved you. Your being sick it affected me in a different way.  
Elizabeth: What way  
John: I loved you. I had started to be in love with you. It is the difference between caring for someone you like or because it’s the right thing to do and caring for someone you love, are in love with. Their suffering matters more. Some fear. What if she doesn’t get better, what if I lose her.  
Elizabeth: Sometimes you were so tender, I thought my heart would break. I felt so loved. Never after. Never before.  
John: You should stay with me.  
Elizabeth: I won't discuss it, can't discuss it til we have talked about all the entries. 


	48. Thursday September 25: Driving back to Connecticut

They go by the houseboat. John picks up some clothes. Gets his mail. They leave.  
Elizabeth: What kind of car is this?  
John: An Audi.  
Elizabeth: Can I drive. I like to drive. Would you let me drive back?  
John: You don't need to drive. I'll drive.  
Elizabeth: I want to drive. I'm a good driver.  
John: I'd rather drive.  
Elizabeth: Are you afraid to let me drive?  
John: I'm not afraid to let you drive. I would just rather drive. You don't know the way. You haven't driven it.  
Elizabeth: You have GPS the car knows the way.  
John: I turned off the GPS because I have my own way of going.  
Elizabeth: It is a control thing?  
John No it's not a control thing.  
Elizabeth: Then why can't I drive back?  
John: Fine. You can drive. I will pull over so you can drive.  
Elizabeth: Thank you.  
John pulls off and they switch.  
Elizabeth: This is a really nice car. I've never driven an Audi.  
John: I like Audis. It's my 3rd one.  
Elizabeth: It's nice.  
Elizabeth looks down at the dials.  
John: Elizabeth watch the road please.  
Elizabeth: I am watching the road.  
John: Follow along the river then we'll go across the Kennedy Bridge. Then continue on to the Brucker Express Way.  
Elizabeth: Okay. Is it 278 north,. Wait is it 278 or 895.  
John: Stay on 278. There will be a bridge. Not much a of a bridge.  
Elizabeth: I like going over bridges. What river?.  
John shakes his head.  
John: Bronx River.  
Elizabeth: Have you ridden your motorcycle back and forth  
John: A few times.  
Eliza: How many motorcycles do you have?  
John: It varies. Right now I have two. One at the Connecticut house. One down in the city. I keep it in a garage near the office.  
Elizabeth: Do you think I could ride a motorcycle.  
John: You could. Motorcycles are heavy. You could probably do it. Is that something you want to try?  
Elisabeth: Maybe. Maybe I could ride in front and you could ride in back.  
John: That would be a good way to start.  
Elizabeth: I think I'd like that.  
Elizabeth: What are we going to do now? When we get back.  
John: What do you want to do?  
Elizabeth: I could draw, go back to the Wodsworth, walk in Sleeping Giant. We could go up to see Henry.  
John: I want to get this journal finished. Six entries are left. Is that right?  
Elizabeth: I think so.  
John: Here is what I want to do. I want to do all of them. I am tired of this, of dragging this out. I want it over with. Let's take your things to the house. Then go into town. I want to make Chili for dinner. And corn bread. It's going to be cold tonight. I need to shop for a few things. Then I'll put my chili on and let it slow cook and let's do three or four of these journal entries and then if I can bear it let's finish them to morrow.  
Elizabeth: Okay.  


*** 

Elizabeth is sitting at the bar. John is moving back and forth between the butchers block table and the stove. Dicing meat. Sauteing onion.  
Elizabeth: Smells good.  
John: Sauteing onions always smells good. Onions smell good.  
Elizabeth: Did you just put cinnamon in your chili.  
John: Secret ingredient.  
John: You could go out in the garden and see if you can find some radishes.  
Elizabeth: What do they look like?  
John: They look like radishes.  
Elizabeth: What for?  
John: The salad I am making I like radishes in it. It's good with the chili.  
Elizabeth: I like Cole slaw with chili.  
John: Well we can't have both both. For just the two of us. And I don't have any cabbage. I can't make Cole slaw today. You should have said something when we were at the market.  
John: Don't you like radishes?  
Elizabeth: I like radishes. I just like Cole slaw with chili. Henry would have some.  
John: Elizabeth that is a 40 minute round trip for Cole slaw when I am making a perfectly good tossed salad with radishes. I'll get Cole slaw for tomorrow.  
Elizabeth: Did you get corn. Fresh corn.  
John: You were with me. I didn't get corn. I have corn meal. Some frozen kernel corn. I am making corn bread.  
Elizabeth: I like corn on the cob with chili.  
John: Well next week if you are still here, you can make your chili and you can do the menu.  
Elizabeth: Chili again within a week is too soon.  
John: Well if you are still here in a month, you can make chili and you can control the menu.  
Elizabeth: You're annoyed.  
John: I'm not annoyed. I just don't know why nothing is simple with you. Go outside dig up some radishes. Big leafy plant. There is a scarecrow. The leafy plants next to it are radishes.  
Elizabeth: How many?  
John: 6-8  
Elizabeth: That is a lot of radishes.  
John raises a spoon at her.  
Elizabeth: I'm going.  
John: The journal will be a relief after this.  
*

They are settled in the living room. Each in a chair.  
Elisabeth has her journal on the table next to her.  
Elizabeth: Are you gong to make a fire?  
John: Tonight after dinner.  
Elizabeth: Could I have some Ice Wine?  
John: Sure.  
He gets up pours a glass of wine for her.  
Elizabeth: None for you?  
John: No. I'm having scotch.  
He goes over to the bar and pours a scotch goes in the kitchen and adds ice. Picks up the bottle of scotch on the way back and brings it with him to the chair. Puts the glass and the bottle on the table next to him.  
John: Okay.  
Elizabeth: Okay ready?  
John: Ready.  



	49. Elizabeth’s Journal 17: The Office

Elizabeth reads:

_He is secure. He is always secure behind that enigmatic smile. He doesn’t worry. He does not worry about other men. Me and another man. He knows he is everything now to me. But who is he really? I am insecure. I follow him today. What does he do? Where does he go? He stops at a street vendor, buys something. A middle aged woman spills coins in the lobby, he stops to pick them up. Hands the coins to her. Smiles a slight smile at her. Hurries on. He waits politely at the elevator for others to enter. I watch. I know the floor. I take the next elevator. Enter the large outer office with purpose. Ignore the gazes. There are only a few. These are busy men on phones, at their screens. I slip past his secretary. He has given her what he bought from the street vendor. She is walking, eating it. I see her in silhouette poised and beautiful. Tall and black haired. Sophisticated. Tailored dress and red shoes. I walk into his office. It’s huge - dark paneling, a wall of windows and leather chairs and couches. And he looks at me, what are you doing here, not welcoming, but not hostile. Coolly interested but not pleased. He doesn’t get up. He doesn’t come around the desk to kiss me. I gush over his office and say I’ve brought him lunch. I am breathy. I sound like Marilyn Monroe for a moment to myself. This has all gone wrong. He sits just looking at me that look he has - interested, contained. But he still doesn’t move to kiss me or touch me. Or stand up to take me in his arms. I am not welcome. I turn and leave. He doesn’t say anything. I am nearly across the office and back to the elevator when his secretary catches me. Ms. McGraw, he would like you to wait. He’ll be right out. And then he is there and he puts an arm around me and he is warm again and amused and he says what am I going to do with you I can’t be distracted I have to make money to take care of you and he takes me downstairs to a busy noisy elegant bar and grill full of Wall Street men and sits with me at the bar on stools close together and orders drinks for us and I can feel I have all his attention, I am enfolded in his attention, only me, I am all that matters to him now, my body, my mouth, my words. He rubs my lips with his thumb, puts his thumb in my mouth as if he were putting himself in my mouth and takes my hand and moves it between his legs and I unzip his pants and slide my hand inside and touch him. He doesn’t care about the people the men around us. We are in our own world. Focused on each other. And he is amused again. That detached amusement. I tell him I wonder what it would be like to be one of the boys and he says I can understand that and he looks thoughtful but almost mocking. You would huh? Like to be one of the boys? How does an affair like this end? Not with marriage. He’ll get tired of me. Not yet though._


	50. Thursday September 25: John reacts to The Office entry

John:You have questions?  
Elizabeth: It was a long time ago.  
John: It was.  
Elizabeth: Do you remember, were you mad at me? You didn’t kiss me or take me in your arms.  
John: I wasn’t mad.  
Elizabeth: What did you feel? Do you remember?  
John: I don’t remember exactly but I can reconstruct it for you.  
Elizabeth: Okay.  
John: With you and the women before you I kept strict boundaries. My work life, my sex life. I didn’t mix them ever, not at all. No sex in my office, never brought a woman to my office. Never brought a lover to a work event, party, never mixed them. You crossed a boundary I had by showing up that way. I'm sure I thought “What am I going to do with you.” I don’t remember but I’m sure that is what I thought. I often thought that about you. What am I going to do with you. I still think that. When you passed out...  
Elizabeth: Fell asleep  
John: Passed out the first night, looking down at you snoring  
Elizabeth: I wasn’t snoring  
John: Snoring, I said “What am I going to do with you.” You always did that to me. I was often asking, still am asking myself “What am I going to do with her.”  
Elizabeth: Wasn’t the answer whatever you could do, you would do. You wanted to do with me whatever you could?  
John: You led us sexually more than you thought. You came up with cross-dressing  
Elizabeth: I didn't.  
John: You did. I‘d never done that before with anyone. Never thought of it before. It was us together. You initiated it. I arranged it. Combined. Never did it again. The sex that night after we were chased, was a peak sexual experience for me. I tried to duplicate it.  
Elizabeth: Wait. That entry is next.  
John: Before I fell in love with you, you were the best playmate I ever had.  
Elizabeth: After you fell in love with me?  
John: Then you broke my heart.  
Elizabeth: You broke my heart too. You think I led some of what we did sexually?  
John: You still do. On the motorcycle, fellatio. I had never done that. I saw it once watching pornography. The man standing behind the motorcycle, the woman nude lying back astride it. I wouldn’t have thought of it. I just wanted you to undress in the moonlight, then it came back to me. Then I wanted to try it. Wanted you to get on the motorcycle. I saw you in the moonlight, I noticed the motorcycle was right there. The thought came back to me.  
John: Any other questions?  
Elizabeth: You watch pornography?  
John laughs: Of course. Sometimes. Do you want to watch it with me?  
Elizabeth: I’d like to see the sex on the motorcycle. See how it looks.  
John: That was a few years ago but we can probably find it.  
Elizabeth: I want to go back to the journal.  
John: Okay.  
Elizabeth: You liked me touching you in the bar and there was a man watching me slide my hand into your pants, you didn’t care.  
John: I don't remember that. I remember you touching me. Not the guy watching. It would have been a guy thing, a male thing. Showing off that you were mine. Mine sexually. That you would please me even in a public place. It is winning at something. Winning over other men. Competition. It's always a competition in a way. Saying she is mine. You don't have a woman like this, a woman this beautiful, a woman who will do this. It's adolescent, but men like the feeling. I still like the feeling. You still get those looks. You probably don't even notice. When you walked in when we were at The Mulberry Bar, men looked at you. Wanted you. Thought about you sexually. I saw it. I liked it that men looked at you. Liked it that you walked over to me. Liked it that the men in the bar knew that you were coming to me.  
Elizabeth: Like winning at tennis or something?  
John laughs: More than winning at tennis. I'd say more primitive than that. I boxed. There is this feeling when you hit the other guy and you know he is going down. It is satisfying.  
Elizabeth: No empathy for the guy you just knocked out, knocked down.  
John: Not empathy then. Later sometimes. Then you feel like the conquering hero. Same with your hand touching me. This one is mine. I have her. I conquered her. More though with you than with other women before you. You became sex for me. When I was around you I was aroused, I was always in some state of sexual arousal. That was all there was. Just desire, sexual desire for you. Not sex. Not just sex. Sex with you. That is how you ruined things. It wasn't sex I wanted anymore, it was sex with you. That was the shift. You said you should have left sooner. I should have left you sooner. I should have ended with you sooner.   
Elizabeth: Some men are jealous. They don't want anyone looking at the woman they are with. They get upset. Think she is enticing the men to look at her. The man blames her. Can be rough with her. Picks fights with the man.   
John: Did that happen to you?   
Elizabeth: It has happened. But you never seemed jealous.   
John: I knew you were mine. You never looked at other men. I never doubted you. I wasn't jealous because I felt secure. Later, after you left me, if I had seen you with another man, I would have wanted to kill him.  
Elizabeth: Would you have started a fight with him?   
John: That happened to you didn't it? Men fighting over you.   
Elizabeth: When I was young, a couple of times.   
John: If I had seen you with a man after you left me, I wouldn't have started a fight. Reason would have prevailed.   
I wouldn't have thought he took you from me and that you were something I could get back by beating up the man or even killing him. If I thought that would have brought you back to me, then I would have fought him, maybe killed him. I'm a math guy. Logical. But emotionally, I would have wanted to kill him. Would have imagined him touching you. I would have wanted to beat him up, kill him. I would have felt he was taking something that was mine. Instead though if I'd seen you with another man, in the arms of another man, probably would have driven my motorcycle into a wall.   
Elizabeth: John don't say things like that please.   
John: It's interesting, sometimes women have tried to make me jealous. Talking about other men, fawning over a man in my presence. It doesn't work. It never worked. It would have with you though, it would have driven me crazy. But you wouldn't have done it. You were too earnest for that. You didn't play games that way. You were sort of innocent. Almost virginal. I would have had a difficult time seeing you with another man. Even now, it would be very upsetting to me.   
Elizabeth: I think I was jealous of your secretary. Did you ever care how I felt?  
John: Only in a selfish way. I wanted you to be satisfied sexually that was very important to me. I wanted you to be happy enough that you wouldn’t leave me.  
Elizabeth: Happy enough til you were done playing with me.  
John: Yes til I was done playing with you  
Elizabeth: Sexually?  
John: Yes. Sexually.  
Elizabeth: You weren't done when I left.  
John: I wasn’t done when you left.  
Elizabeth: You started to love me. Eros pricked by his own arrow.  
John: I loved you.  
Elizabeth: Too late.  
John: Not too late. You could have given me a chance.   
Elizabeth: I really couldn’t.  
John: You underestimated me.  
Elizabeth: Don’t blame me. Don't you dare blame me. It was your prostitute. That was the tipping point.  
John gets up, gets on his knees down beside her, takes her hands.  
John: Shhh, shhh we’ll get there. We’ll get to the Chelsea Hotel. Leave it for now. Please just leave it for now.  
Elizabeth: Not easy to leave it. I keep finding my way there.  
John: I know you do. Just leave it for now.  
Elizabeth: I’ll try.  
John: I'm going to stir the chili but I have an hour before I have to make the corn bread. Read the next entry.  
Elizabeth: Are you sure.  
John: That one wasn't so bad.  
Elizabeth: Okay. Ready?  
John: Do your worst.  
Elizabeth: Not the worst. You'll probably like this one. you'll like this one.


	51. Elizabeth’s Journal 18: The Algonquin and the stairs in the rain

Elizabeth reads

_I should write about what it feels like to dress like a man, be seen accepted as a man, but what I want to write about is sex, a kind of sex I didn’t know was even possible.  
_

_He gives me a key to a room. There is a note to dress and meet him at 8:00. There are boxes and boxes for me. He has left me a man’s suit, shoes, everything the undershirt, men’s briefs a hat silk socks like his. Florsheim shoes. He has spent a lot for this charade. This dress-up. A mustache, theater glue.  
_

_I pull my hair back tuck it behind my ears. He likes brushing my hair too much to want me to cut it._

_I wonder if he would dress as a girl as a woman. I’ll ask him._

_The jacket and vest hide my breasts._

_In the mirror I look_ _like a young man even with the mustache I look young.  
_

_Maybe a young somewhat effeminate man. But a man. I walk across the room to him. Change my walk. None of the people in the room, none of the men there notice me. He has a paper. He notices me. He laughs. I love his laugh. His amusement. He says don’t sit by me looking like that. Then he swears. Jesus Christ. No he says you look great._

_But he is disconcerted. At first seeing me as a man he is disconcerted._

_We have a drink then go to The Artists Dining Room. I’ve never been. He is play acting. No longer disconcerted. He orders, we eat, I don’t remember what we ate. He is playing. Two guys out for dinner sharing guy talk. He has a cigar. Cognac. He has his arm around me, but it is a fellow to fellow thing. Two guys one relishing bragging to the other about the chick he has on the side. He has given me a cigar. I cough. He gives me cognac to stop the coughing. He is smiling. Having fun. And then he forgets the playacting and looks in my eyes and says you are so fucking beautiful he says it twice and he means it he wants me now, not as a man a boy he wants me myself and he kisses me and he wants the mustache off but he leaves it. And when he kisses me my hat comes off and other diners are staring at us but he doesn’t care.  
_

_We leave. He goes back into the role. He says so what do you want to do now pick up some chicks. And he is having fun again. Two guys walking along. Letting me feel it. Just one of the guys. Two guys in suits walking along after a boys‘ dinner. But then a car drives by and some redneck guy yells faggots out the window. And I run after the car yelling and gesturing and the car spins around and stops two guys get out and run towards us and we run and they run after us and we run around a corner and he takes me in his arms and kisses me and we are both excited we would have sex there then there is pent up desire now he wants me now but the two men come around the corner and I think I see a knife but I am not scared it seems like play but the men run after us but we run again and then we run down some stairs and we are cornered and I am scared but angry and excited and one fights with John and one comes at me gestures at me with knife and I kick at him and he drops it. And I pick it up and I’m not sure if he still thinks I’m a man or if he has realized I’m a woman. I don’t think about being raped or anything I just think he thinks I’m a man and I lunge at him with the knife and he runs away and the other man is fighting with John and I turn toward them and I stab him as hard as I can in the buttocks and he reaches back toward where I’ve stabbed him and then he runs too he runs off back up the stairs. They are both gone. And John and I start up the stairs and I am so excited and aroused, I am in a fever of desire for him. Everything the alcohol, the dressing-up, the chase, stabbing a man, I am euphoric, fevered with desire, I can’t wait I want him touching me in me now and he feels it too on his own or he catches the fever from me and it starts raining where we are or maybe it was raining already yes it was already raining but I don’t care and he doesn’t care and I grab John around the neck and kiss him and kiss him so hard pushing against him, pulling at his clothes and I say over and over I love you I love you I love you because what he leads me into is so beyond anything I’ve done, beyond any excitement I’ve known, this pitch of desire is almost unbearable and he is kissing me and pulling at my clothes, tearing the buttons to get the shirt open pulling off the jacket he has to touch my skin, has to get to my breasts, he tears the shirt open and he has to_ _get inside me and every touch of his he doesn’t stop kissing me every minute makes the desire more intense and he is kissing me on the stairs and it is raining and he kisses me and pulls the mustache off and pulls the pants down and pulls the pants off the underwear off but he leaves the shoes on because sex feels so urgent now he has to be inside me our arousal is so high The desire is unbearable he pulls off my shirt tears the undershirt and he pushes me against the wall, pulls me on top of him and he is inside me and there is nothing else in the world but him and his body against me his mouth the force of him against me over and over and he changes the position but he doesn’t come he doesn’t come he just keeps forcing himself into me we are drunk with desire, drunk with excitement, with arousal, I feel the roughness of the concrete stairs against my back my legs but there is no pain and he pulls me on top of him and he doesn’t come I don’t know how he can wait so long but it feels so good I don’t want it to stop ever we could both die then in the middle of the rain in the middle of our orgasm and I wouldn't care. I come with him because we are one person then our bodies undefined combined somehow and I can’t tell if it is my orgasm or his because_ _we have merged our senses have merged._

_After we are soaking wet and we dress, he dresses me, and we are laughing and exhausted then quiet and I am clinging to him, now a contentment a connectedness stretching out across time carrying us still sexual but quiet and enfolding us together. And we can’t stop touching and he is gentle and I can tell he feels it too and we still feel like one person. Our clothes are disarrayed I pull the jacket around me the buttons on the shirt are gone. We find the car and we are quiet but he pulls me to him I sit as close as I can we can’t be separated now his hand on my leg, I put my arm around him, touch the back of his neck, press my breast against his arm I put my head on his shoulder we are both soaked but I still feel like I can’t tell where he begins and I end and he feels it too something sexual has happened to us that I know neither of us have had before. I know even for him this was different. We go to his place, we shower he washes me his touch is so gentle almost reverent and the feeling goes on and on I still can’t tell where I stop and he begins we are fused somehow emotionally Sexually post coitally there is no separation we are like one person some osmosis has taken place we dry off he drys me I dry him each other ourselves we don’t talk we get into bed wrapped in each other’s arms. I know I won’t ever have sex like this again. Not like tonight. We have hardly said a word to each other there aren’t words for this. We sleep touching all night.  
_

_In the morning he is back to himself. So did you like being one of the guys? I know he doesn’t want to talk about the sex._ 17


	52. Thursday September 25: John reacts to Cross Dressing & Sex on the Stairs in the Rain

Elizabeth puts the journal down.  
John takes a long drink of his scotch.  
Neither says anything. John stands up. Walks over to Elizabeth. Leans over her. Kisses her. Long tender kiss. He picks her up out of the chair and carries her into the down stairs bedroom, puts her on the bed. He gets on the bed and settles down beside her. He strokes her hair, her cheek. Every touch is full of tenderness. He looks in her eyes.  
John: We should get married.  
Elizabeth: No. We shouldn't get married.   
She pulls away and gets up and goes back in the living room and gets back in her chair. Takes a long drink of the Ice Wine. John follows her out.  
John: You are getting up and leaving me after reading that to me.   
He goes back to his chair.  
John (angry): So you don't want me to make love to you. After reading that.  
Elizabeth: No I don't because I remember what happened after that. John if things had ended there. Yes, we could have gotten married. If that was all there was. But things didn't end there.  
John: Fine. You have some questions for me. Now that you have ruined the mood.  
Elizabeth: I came here with questions.  
John: Fine ask me the questions.  
Elizabeth: What I wrote, is that how it was for you?  
John: What exactly?  
Elizabeth: You are angry.   
John: What is your question?  
John: What I wrote, about the sex, the desire, the closeness after, was it like that for you. Feeling like one person.  
John (annoyed): Not sure what difference my answer will make. But yes. I felt it too. I had never felt that before. Never felt anything like it again.  
Elizabeth: For me also. Why was it?  
John: Because you left me and didn't give us a chance to have an even better sexual experience.  
Elizabeth: Why was that so good? I mean it, I want to know why. You are the expert on sex. Why that night? It was raining, we were in an alley, a dangerous part of town, concrete stairs, I wasn't dressed in a garter or anything sexy.  
John (calmer): I don't know. I never thought about why. I could think out-loud about it if you like. From my side.  
Elizabeth: Please.  
John: A combination. We had been drinking. We had been in danger. We had been having fun with your dressing-up, play acting. We were like conspirators. We had a lot of sexual chemistry. For me my desire for you was always increasing. You are, well were then anyway, genuine. Other women simper, there is artifice, fake smiles, fake desire, fake sensitivities. Oh John I just couldn’t. Oh John you are so smart, so strong. There is none of that in you. You are real. Your anger is real, your desire is real, your shyness, your fury. The realness was irresistible to me. I wanted the realness, it was addicting to me. It pleased me, it excited me. It awed me. It fascinated me. And that night, you were so real so wide open with what you felt.  
Elizabeth: I don’t know what you mean.  
John: You played well. Guys say to each other, a guy will ask another guy something, to do something, and the guy being asked will say "Sure, I'm game" meaning sure I'll play, okay game on. You are game. I always felt, well we'll leave out the end, I always felt you were game. From the Ferris wheel. You were game. You'd play. You were a playmate not a plaything but you would play - would play games with me. I scared you. And it was real. Your anger after the Ferris wheel. It was real. You were mad at me after I trapped you at the top. Furious. You chased me and hit me, well tried to. Your outrage was real. It didn't make you leave me. Decline my company. I told you part of me is the little boy chasing the little girl with a frog. You were game. You were a good sport. You were still are beautiful. And real. And sexy. But it was the realness I found irresistible. And that night was one more time. You played along. Dressed-up, smoked the cigar. Coughed your way through it. The shoes. You in those big clunky shoes. And the hat. More than played along, you had fun. You enjoyed it. You relished it. And you said when the men who chased us had gone you said I love you I love you I love you. The night, the chase, the danger, saying that you loved me, you let yourself be in the moment completely, your arousal, your excitement. I was overwhelmed with desire for you an urgent desire I had to satisfy with you that night right then, never felt desire like that for anyone, not before not after, and I could feel your desire for me. Your sexual need that night felt like a mirror of mine. I couldn't have put it into the words you did. It is not easy for me to talk about. But yes. I felt it too. Exactly as you described it. Is that what you wanted to hear?  
Elizabeth: Is that the truth?  
John: It's the absolute truth.   
Elizabeth: Then why...  
John: That's it. I don't want to talk about things that happened later. I need to go finish dinner. Can we just enjoy dinner and this evening?  
Elizabeth: You said you would answer my questions.   
John: I've answered your questions.  
John: And I take back my marriage proposal.  
Elizabeth: Why?  
John: You are not ready to hear it. And I am not ready to ask you. I shouldn't have said it. I got carried away.  
Elizabeth: Fine with me. I'm not interested at all in discussing marriage with you. Ever.  
John: Fine.  
Elizabeth: Fine.

*

They eat dinner mostly in silence. They clean up. Let the chili and corn bread cool. Put the left-over salad away. They are polite, make small talk only.  
Elizabeth: That is just about the best chili I have ever had. The meat, the chunks of beef were so good. Spicy. And the corn bread was so sweet it was almost like dessert.  
John: Just about the best? What was the best then?  
Elizabeth: Once in Los Angeles with my son and a friend of his we went into The Barrio a place the friend knew. The chili there was as good as yours.  
John: You must take me there. I must try it.  
Elizabeth: Yours is almost as good. And the radishes were good. More peppery than radishes I have had before.  
John: I'm glad you liked dinner. I'm going to build a fire.  
John: Elizabeth you read the honey and sex entry to me more than once  
Elizabeth:You asked me to.  
John: I did.  
John: Could you please read the sex on the stairs in the rain entry to me again  
Elizabeth (sarcastic): John's greatest hits?   
John: Something like that. You want coffee, some Ice Wine in front of the fire.?  
Elizabeth: Do we have Bailey's? I think I'd like some Bailey's in front of the fire.  
John: We don't have Bailey's. I have Bailey's. I'll pour some for you.

*

They are sitting in the living room in front of the fire.  
Elizabeth: What are you drinking?  
John: Cognac. And I am going to smoke a cigar if you have no strenuous objection.  
Elizabeth: It's your house do as you please.  
John: Yes it is my house. You are a guest here.  
John: Why were you so rude and unpleasant after you read the entry today?  
Elizabeth: I felt an almost irresistible urge to just surrender completely to you. I felt like I would lose myself to you if I didn’t put distance between us.  
John: Would that have been so bad? I felt so much love and tenderness for you. So much desire.  
Elizabeth: I couldn’t bear it. Reading that brought back the feelings from that night.  
John: That night, feeling like one person, I had had sex a lot of times, I never felt that before.  
Elizabeth:Why didn’t you talk about it the next morning. You acted like nothing special had happened.  
John: I couldn't. I didn’t know what to say.  
Elizabeth: You could have at least acknowledged that something special had happened.  
John: I think it was a little like what you said you felt earlier today.I felt too vulnerable. But please read it again and don’t say but this or but that just read it. And then let's just sit here by the fire.  
Elizabeth: You could play some music.  
John: You know I have the Billie Holiday record from that first day on the houseboat.  
Elizabeth: After I read, play that. Please. I'd like to listen to that again.


	53. Friday September 26: Blueberry pancake encore

Early morning. Barely light.

They are in bed in John's room.

Elizabeth nudges him.

John: What?

Elizabeth: I'm going downstairs.

John: No. Not yet.

Elizabeth: I want to draw. I'll come back to bed in an hour or so, I promise.

John: Word of honor.

Elizabeth: Word of honor.

John: You better come back to bed.

Elizabeth: I'll come back to bed. Would you like coffee in bed? 

John: Three tablespoons per cup. 

*

Elizabeth comes back into the bedroom, she has a tray with a vase and flowers, a coffee thermos, a bottle of Kahlua and two cups. Cream and sugar. She is in jeans and a sweatshirt. Barefoot.

Elizabeth: Wake up. Coffee is here. 

John sits up rubs his eyes.

John: Rather have you than coffee.

Elizabeth: You can have both. 3 tablespoons, medium grind.

John: I'm training you well. 

John: Take off your clothes and get back in bed with me. 

Elizabeth: Not coffee first?

John: Coffee second.

*

They are sitting together in bed. Leaning back against the headboard. They both have coffee. John has poured Kahlua into his coffee. Elizabeth shook her head.

Elizabeth: Do you think this is what a honeymoon would have been like? 

John: No. Every other day I have my insides wrung out. I don't think a honeymoon would have been like that at all for me. Do you want a honeymoon? Are you asking me to marry you now?

Elizabeth: No. We have been so I don't know just kind of companionable. Here. i feel at home here. I know I am a guest. But just sitting by the fire. Cooking together. Eating together. Shopping. Bed together every night. The trails, the hiking. It was nice. I loved the waterfall. The sleeping giant. An unassuming waterfall. I want to go back and draw it. Sex in the hot springs. It was different. It felt so clean. And steamy. 

John: This may have been honeymoon like for you, but it has been difficult for me. 

Elizabeth: Balanced? Good balancing the bad?

John: Yes More good. But I can't get rid of the worry that you are going to want to leave. You know I can't let you leave me again.

Elizabeth: You may want me to leave. You may ask me to leave. Beg me to leave. This may turn out the same as before. Maybe for different reasons. Let's just see where things go. 

John: Who is making breakfast?

Elizabeth: You. 

John: What do you want?

Elizabeth: I said I wanted simple breakfasts. Toast and fruit but I have been thinking about blueberry pancakes. Could you do those again? 

John: Your wish ...

Elizabeth: is your your command.

*

It's raining. John has built a fire. Elizabeth has her journal. Elizabeth is on the couch. She has a quilt over her lap. John is in a chair,feet stretched out on the foot stool. He has coffee and a bottle of Kahlua next to him on a table. 

John: How many bottles of Kahlua do we have?

Elizabeth: You got four. 

John: Probably not going to be enough. 

Elizabeth: You might like this one. It is Bloomingdales 

John: I hope you are not going to act the way you did over the steps in the rain.

Elizabeth: Completely different situation.

John: Could I read ahead. I mean I have seen your journal around. I could have opened it and read it. But I didn't.

Elizabeth: No don't read ahead. Please. After we are done you can go back through it. There is other stuff in there about Molly, Michael, the gallery. I'm just reading you the parts about us. I don't' care if you read it but I want to go through it together first. I'm not going to lock it up or anything, but please just wait. We'll go through it entry by entry. I promise you can look at it as much as you want when we are done going through it together.

John: If you are still here.

Elizabeth: I thought you said you wouldn't let me leave again.

John: I won't.


	54. Elizabeth's Journal 19: Bloomingdales

Elizabeth reads

_Bloomingdales._

_I do not steal things. I have never shoplifted. Ever. Not when my friends did. Not a lipstick I admired a locket. He said take it. I did. I slipped into my pocket. When we got home he sent it back._

_No one has ever bought a bed at Bloomingdale's the way John bought a bed today. He plays with people, he charms them, directs them, they do as he wishes. The woman who waited on him kept herself under control but he was an imp toying with her playing with her serious all charm and politeness but underneath it is some sort of power_


	55. Friday September 26; John reacts to the Bloomingdale's entry

John: You didn't put much into that entry. I thought our bed purchase would have gotten a longer entry than that.  
John: Do you have questions?  
Elizabeth: Why did you want me to steal the locket?  
John: You liked it. I wondered if you would do it if I told you to.  
Elizabeth: I liked pleasing you. But I was afraid not to please you. But I liked being your naughty girl. You were always pushing me outside my comfort zone. Not just sexually.  
John: I just liked seeing what I could make you do.  
John Why didn't you write more about the bed.  
Elizabeth: I don't know. I just didn't.  
John: What is after Bloomingdale's? Could we finish this journal today.  
Elizabeth: There are three more: crawling, the striptease then the Chelsea hotel.  
John: Look let's devote the rest of the day to the journal. I might get drunk though. We have left over Chili for dinner if you can tolerate more radish salad. We don't need to go out.  
Elizabeth: Promise me you won't get on your motorcycle no matter how upset you are.  
John: I don't drink and ride my bike. So it is one or the other. I think I will drink. Probably going to need to for the crawling entry and the Chelsea hotel. Okay. Read on.


	56. Elizabeth's Journal 20: The Strip Tease (You Can Leave Your Hat On)

Elizabeth reads

_Dancing for him. A striptease that he has requested. I include his riding crop. Dangle his handcuffs off . To tease him. To show him I'm not intimidated. It's all play. It's part of his dance. It's part of my dance._

_When I make him laugh. When he looks at me. When he wants me. When he smiles, laughs. When he is having fun. When the amused detached look disappears and he is like a kid being delighted. That is all I want. That is all I need. That is all I will ever need._

_He puts on Jimmy Croche’s You Can Leave Your Hat on his Fancy Stereo._

_He even got popcorn and a beer to watch._

_He is sitting on the floor. The perfect audience. With his popcorn. And his beer._

_And I have all his attention. Every bit. And I can feel his delight, his pleasure. How did I get here? How did I get to be the one he wants. How did I get to be the one that can please him?_

_The music and my dance, slowing, taking off my clothes. He is amused. He is merry. He is laughing. He is my audience. I am his dancer. Asking for more. Clapping his hands. Take off more. I'm his. I'm his at the end of the dance. He knows it. I know it. Later he will take me in his arms. But now is play._

_It is all I want. This is all I want. To dance for him and make him laugh. Watch his delight. Give him pleasure. Most of the time he is enigmatic. So contained and closed, unknowable. Polite courteous but unknowable. But sometimes, like now when I dance for him, when I do my striptease for him he is filled with merriment, he is a kid with a new shinny toy, I am his shinny toy. I delight him. His face showing his pleasure in me in my dance._

_I am entertaining him. His own private strip tease and at the end I am standing naked waiting for him on the roof deck and he picks up the robe and wraps me in and in his arms and I know the sex will be slow and luxurious and there will never be a love like this for me._

_Can any two people ever be happier. Can it ever be better than this._

_His pleasure, his laughter is all I need._


	57. Friday September 26: John reacts to The Strip Tease Entry

John: What questions do you have for me?  
Elizabeth: What was it like for you? To watch me dance.  
John: You know what it was like, Elizabeth. You were like no one I had known before. I can say only corny things . Sitting there that night I thought I was the luckiest guy in the world. You dancing for me. You were unbearably beautiful and the way you moved and the way you teased me. God, Elizabeth, the way you danced. I don't have words for it. You described it. There is nothing I can say. Pleasure, amusement. Merriment. Sexual arousal. I felt what you felt, what you said I felt. But I can't help but also feel bad. I remember what it was like before you left me. I should have kept you. I should have made it so you would stay, instead I drove you away. So it's mixed. It's upsetting too.  
Elisabeth: Don't leave. Don't go get on your motorcycle. Take me to bed instead. Make love to me now.  
John: I am so sorry. You can't know how sorry I am.  
Elizabeth: John it wasn't all your fault. I cooperated. I didn't have the confidence to stand up to you.  
John: I made it impossible for you to stand up to me.  
Elizabeth: If I had had more confidence I would have called your bluff. let you do what you did. I should have stood up to you. I blamed you. I wanted to blame you. But it was my fault too. I should have called your bluff. I just didn't know I could til it was too late. I saw how much you loved me that last day but I was already on the way out the door. I couldn't stop myself.  
John: Let go upstairs.  
Elizabeth nods.

It is late afternoon. They are back in the kitchen. Elizabeth is in a white thick terry robe. Wet hair from the shower. She is sitting on a stool at the bar. John barefoot and in jeans. No shirt. Standing in front of the stove. He gets cheese out of the fridge. Begins cubing it. Gets crackers from the cupboard. Put them on the bar in front of Elizabeth. Pours her a glass of wine. He goes in the living room and pours himself a scotch.  
John: We could burn your journal. We could just throw it in the fire. Right now. And go on from here. Come on Elizabeth. We don't have to do those next two entries. It's is good between us. We can go on from here. There is nothing we are going to gain from those last two entries.  
Elizabeth: You don't think you can bear just two more.  
John: Not those two. Maybe not.  
Elizabeth: I thought you wanted this to be finished. Unless we do those, it wont be finished.  
John: Okay. One now. Crawling. And then tomorrow after breakfast the Chelsea Hotel. After crawling we have dinner and then let's go upstairs and watch something on netflix. Just mindless entertainment together in bed. Some movie we haven't seen. Or one we've seen and can see again.  
Elizabeth: Okay. An entry, dinner, bed and a movie. I like Apollo 13 and The Martian. I could watch those again. Master and Commander. Do you have popcorn.  
John: No popcorn in bed. Are you crazy.  
Elizabeth: Not crazy. Ready for the journal. I'll just sit here and read it if you like.  
John: Sure. I'll reheat the chili. Chop some more radishes.  
Elizabeth gets her journal. Sits back down at the bar.  
Elizabeth: Okay ready?  
John: Ready.


	58. Elizabeth's Journal 21:  Crawl

Elizabeth reads

_Crawl. Elizabeth, crawl._

_He takes off his belt and he snaps it. Like a lion tamer. He wants to hit me. He likes the marks it leaves. Traces the marks with his fingers. Crawl._

_It is fucking enough._

_I am not staying._

_I'm leaving. He's gone too far. He thinks he can do anything._

_You love this game, Elizabeth. He is sitting cross-legged holding the belt in his hand. Smiling._

_No I don't love this game._

_And I don't want any more threats with his belt. And I don't want welts on my legs from the riding crop._

_I am crying. Or am I laughing. I can't tell anymore. My days are nothing. I am only alive when I am with him._

_I have got to leave._

_But I can't live without him._

_You love this game Elizabeth. No John I hate this game. But I love you._


	59. Friday September 26:John's response to crawling

Elizabeth: What was that about? Why did you do that.  
John: You have no idea how beautiful you looked on your hands and knees. Your silhouette. I liked to look at your body when you were on your hands and knees, you were submitting to me. I told you I wanted to take you from the back. It was a more primitive excitement.   
Elizabeth: I didn't want to do it. You were out of control. Taking off your belt. Now it seems ridiculous. Ridiculous that I ever submitted to that. But that was what it was about for you submission.  
John: By then I was dressing you, feeding you, bathing you, you were wearing the clothes I selected. It felt like you were completely under my control. I couldn't stand it when you resisted me. I got carried away.  
Elizabeth: I had gone too far under your spell.  
John: You could have pushed back.  
Elizabeth: There was no way I could. You were my world. Your touch was the only thing that mattered and when you would threaten to leave me or to send me away it felt like you were offering me death. that without you I would die. You were the only thing that mattered. Pleasing you was the only thing that mattered.  
John: But you were getting ready to leave.  
Elizabeth: I was. Some part of me was getting ready to leave. The journal shows, I was getting ready.  
John: Enough. Let's stop now. Is that okay?  
Elizabeth: okay.  
John: You want to eat up in bed?  
Elizabeth: No in front of the fire down here. But i do think you should get the fireplace in the bedroom uncovered if you can.  
John: You're right.  
They eat in front of the fire. Then go up to bed. Watch The Martian. Elizabeth falls asleep halfway through. John puts on headphones and changes to boxing. Elizabeth turns on her side away from him. He puts one hand on her side. Occasionally strokes her hair.  
John whispers: You are not leaving me this time. 


	60. Saturday September 27: John makes scones prepares to hear the last entry

John gets up just after dawn.  
Elizabeth is still sleeping.  
John nudges her awake.  
Elizabeth: What? You want me to crawl?  
John: Stop it.  
Elizabeth: I had bad dreams last night.  
John: I am going to go hit the bag for awhile, 45 minutes or so. Then I am going for a run. Do you want to run with me?  
Elizabeth: No I want to go back to sleep.  
John: When I get back I'm going to make scones. And there are some cantaloupes in the garden.  
Elizabeth: Wake me when you are done with the bag and I'll get up.  
John kisses her.  
John: Elizabeth, I love you.  
She rolls away from him. Puts the pillow over her head.  
Elizabeth from under the pillow: Go away.  
He leaves.

John is at the stove in the kitchen. Elizabeth at the bar. John takes the scones out of the oven. Slices the cantaloupe. Serves her. Pours her coffee. Puts cream and sugar in the coffee for her. Serves her.  
Elizabeth: You put the cream and sugar in my coffee. I can do it.   
John: I know how you like it. I’ve watched you do it.   
Elizabeth: John.   
John: I'm going up to take a shower now. Where do you want to read this last entry?  
Elizabeth: In the living room by the fire. I would have suggested the beach but it has started raining again.  
John: I'll build a fire then go up and shower. We'll do the last entry in the living room in front of the fire.  
Elizabeth eats slowly. Looks at her phone. Sends text messages.  
John comes back down. Gets a scone and coffee, pours some Kahlua in his cup. Elizabeth gets off the stool. Takes her coffee, goes to a chair in front of the fire. Elisabeth's journal is on a table next to her chair.  
Elizabeth: Ready? Last one.  
John: Your swan song?  
Elizabeth laughs: Funny way to put it.


	61. Elizabeth's Journal 22: The Chelsea Hotel and Leaving John

Elizabeth reads

_This is the way it ends_ .

_This is the way the world ends  
This is the way the world ends  
This is the way the world ends  
Not with a bang but a whimper._  
_The Hollow Men.  
T.S. Elliot_

_Now I am quoting TS Elliot.  
Dali now Elliot_

_A sign I suppose._

_But Dalí. Come on._

_So this is how it ends.  
Not with a roar but a whimper. _

_The Hollow Men._

_I am the hollow woman.  
The hollowed out woman. _

_This is the way it ends. With a hired prostitute in the Chelsea Hotel. His hired prostitute. Is this how he ends things? With others? He just goes too far. The elusive others._

_He sends me to the Chelsea Hotel. It's seedy. Seedy enough for his purposes. His games. He gives me the room number. I go in. I'm supposed to undress. A new game.  
_

_He calls. I love you. Just something he says to get me to accept the next thing. And the next. I'm supposed to undress tie a blindfold on. The blindfold is in the drawer. I undress. I leave on my slip. I don't want to do this. I don't put on the blindfold. I think I should leave. But if I leave what will he do. He has said he loves me on the phone. On the phone it doesn't really sound like I love you. It sounds like I want you to do this._

_He comes in; he is annoyed. I'm sitting on the bed. He pauses. I ask you to do a simple thing. Is he going to hit me? Take off his belt and snap it. He ties the blindfold. He sits in the chair between the bed and the window. I love you. He says it. Does he? Is he even capable of love? He is waiting for something._

_I am good now at knowing things when I am blindfolded. He is waiting for someone, something. I can tell. He is expecting something. All this time in blindfolds I can read the air currents. Feel his shifts in mood. What is he waiting for?_

_A woman comes in some strong perfume and she makes growling noises and speaks Spanish and she begins stroking my thighs. It is what he wants. He is watching. I can feel him watching. He doesn't love me. He has never loved me. He loves what he feels because he has me around. He loves how having me makes him feel. I think this "we are nearing the end."_

_She touches my breast. He is attentive. I am still blindfolded but I feel his attention on her hands on my breast. Is it her mouth next? Is he going to sit and watch? What does he want to watch her do next?_

_Then she takes off the blindfold. She is pretty, sultry. Dark haired and dark skinned. Make-up. Tight clothes. Sexy. Older than me but not old._

_He gets up walks with her over to the wall near the door, he pushes her against the wall, begins stroking her breast. She begins unzipping his pants. I decide I am leaving. I put on my coat. I leave my dress. I don't care. It is his dress. She can have it when they are done. Then I feel a fury. I rush them, I start hitting both of them I slap her. He pulls me off and I run out the door._

_I run down the stairs._ _He chases me. You scared her. He says you scared her. Too bad. I never want to see him again. I never want him to touch me again. Never want him to be near me again. Never speak to me again. Never want to see him again. It is the end.  
_

_The end._

_It is finished. A whimper._

_He doesn't say calm down he is afraid to say calm down. He thinks I am out of control. He follows me onto the street. He yells at me on the street. He says how does it feel to be out of control Elizabeth like he finally got a prize he’d been looking for. I'm out of control. Well I am out of his control._

_We are by porn places neon lights marquees adult this adult that, I go in, the sound there the lights the noise I think maybe I will have a seizure can't lights flashing cause seizures, don't people have epileptic seizures, maybe I will have a seizure but I keep moving walking into adults only men everywhere women in glass boxes dancing gyrating I’m in a fog men look at me no one touches me they don't touch me I go into a room a couple is in area on the floor having sex men all men 5 deep are standing around watching. I move to the front look down at the couple. I begin crying maybe I was already crying I don' t know when I started crying maybe that is why the men don't touch me don't say anything they see I am unwell they stand there they look at me almost leering not quite they don't know what I am doing a man is standing next to me doesn't touch me, he glances at me, keeps his distance, John walks in I see him, I reach up and pull the man's head down to me and I kiss him on the mouth, he kisses me back. I know John sees and John is in the back of the room standing there watching me kiss this stranger. I am crying and then John is there in front of me next to me and I put my arms around him and he takes me in his arms and pulls me to him and kisses me on the cheek and he is gentle and he takes me out and we don't talk at all. He doesn't say sorry. Maybe he knows he has gone too far I think he knows he has gone too far._

_I go to the Farnsworth opening in the gallery alone the opening alone. I go to my apartment then to the opening. I start crying at the opening. I call him he doesn't answer. I go to his penthouse. He is already in bed. He is sleeping on my side of the bed. I get in on his side. We do not speak. I don't touch him. I lay awake most of the night. After dawn I get up. He has been sleeping. How can he sleep? But he sleeps. I get up. And he awakens then. You are leaving, he says. I get my coat. I didn't count on loving you so much. Please stay. I have five brothers._

_It's too late. I don't yell it. I say it softly. I am full of pain and resignation. It's too late._

_I will never see him again._

_He wants another chance. No more chances._

_I will never go back_

_I will never be okay._


	62. Saturday September 27: John reacts to The Chelsea Hotel Entry

John (annoyed, defensive): Okay. Let's hear the questions?  
Elizabeth: Let's start with why. Why John? Why did you set that up?  
John: I wanted sex with you and another woman. I wanted to see you with a woman. I wanted to see her touch you. I wanted to have two women at the same time. When I am having sex with you, I can't see you. I touch you I know what you feel like but I can't look at you and I like to look at you. With another woman touching you I can watch, I wanted to watch. And I wanted you to watch what she did with me, to me  
Elizabeth: So I would do it?  
John: Yes. I thought it would excite you. To watch.  
Elizabeth: It didn’t.  
John: So you could do it. And I loved looking at you, watching you. Watching you move. I wanted to watch you while a woman had sex with you.  
Elizabeth: Why didn't you ask me? Ask me how I felt about it.  
John: Because I didn't ask you things. I fed you, I bathed you. I dressed you. I brushed your hair. Why would I ask you? You did what I wanted. You put yourself in my hands. I expected you to do what I wanted. I expected you to do what I told you.  
Elizabeth: Do you remember what you said to me?  
John: I didn't. I wouldn't have. You put it in the journal. I said, "I ask you to do a simple thing." It was a simple thing. Take off your dress. Put on the blindfold.  
Elizabeth: You were so arrogant.  
John: I wasn't wrong to want it.  
Elizabeth: Wrong then how?  
John: Why don't you tell me?  
Elizabeth: Don't do that John. This is important.  
John: I know it is important. I lost you over it. You left me and never came back. I guess I know it's important, Elizabeth.  
Elizabeth: You don't think you were wrong.  
John: I wasn't wrong to want it. A lot of men want to have sex with two women. I’ve read 33% of men fantasize about having sex with two women at the same time. Probably it's a lot more.  
Elizabeth: 33% of men probably don't actually do it. Had you had two women before? Tell me the truth.  
John: Yes.  
Elizabeth: Then why not do it with someone else. Why involve me?  
John: It was about you. About having sex with you with another woman. I wanted to see you with another woman. You. I wanted you to have sex with me with another woman.  
Elizabeth: Then what? Me with a man you picked out. The story of O. Two men you picked out?  
John: No I would never want you to be with another man. Not then. Not now.  
Elizabeth: What's the difference?  
John: Me. I'm the difference.  
Elizabeth: I don't know what that means.  
John: I don't have fantasies of you being with another man. I don't want you to be with another man. I can’t stand the idea of you with another man.  
Elizabeth: What makes you think I would want to see you with another woman?  
John: What do you mean?  
Elizabeth: I didn't want to see you with another woman. I thought you belonged to me. That we belonged to each other. I wasn't having sex with other men when I was with you. I didn't think you were having sex with other women. You told me you didn't after we started.  
John: She wasn't another woman. She was someone I hired. She meant nothing to me. I paid her to be with us. She was only there to serve us. Enhance the pleasure of what I did with you. I  
Elizabeth: She was another woman. John, can't you see that?  
John: That's why you attacked her, me? You saw her as another woman?  
Elizabeth: John she was another woman. If you had hired a man to have sex with me, he would have been another man.  
John: It's not the same.  
Elizabeth: It is the same.  
Elizabeth: Are you an idiot? Why would I feel okay seeing you with another woman?  
John: She meant nothing to me. I loved you.  
Elizabeth: You used me. You don't even know what that word means.  
John: I goddamn do know what it means. You can't say that to me.  
Elizabeth: I just did say it.  
John: I haven't loved anyone since you.  
Elizabeth: Loving someone means you care how they feel. You care about what they feel. That is the thing John, you never cared what I felt about anything. You didn't even know me.  
John: I worshiped you.  
Elizabeth: You didn't even know me. You don't know me now.  
John: I knew you better than anyone ever knew you. I knew you. I understood you. I still do.  
Elizabeth: Maybe sexually. You did. You knew me sexually better than anyone else ever did. You knew me sexually in a way that meant no other man could ever really compare to you. Just you. You knew my body better than I did. You knew what I wanted, needed before I knew.  
John: I did. Because I loved you. I understood you. And you loved me. You still love me. You can't say I didn't know you as a person. Maybe I didn't know where you went to high school, or you mother's maiden name or what jobs you'd had, but I knew you. I was interested in you. I knew you. Really knew you. I never cared about anyone the way I cared about you.  
Elizabeth: What about the clothes? You didn't even want to know if I liked them.  
John: Don't make more out of that than it was. You looked beautiful in the clothes I picked for you. You liked pleasing me. You liked it that I picked out clothes. Liked that I liked looking at your body in the clothes I picked instead of those baggy things your wore. You liked that attention.  
Elizabeth: You were in control. You were always in control  
John: And you wanted me to be in control.  
Elizabeth: NO. Control so you could enjoy me sexually the way you wanted. However you wanted. Like in the Chelsea hotel with another woman.  
John: You're right the Chelsea Hotel was about my pleasure. Both of us. I thought what you wanted was to give me pleasure.  
Elizabeth: And you know what you said.  
John: When? Said when?  
Elizabeth: On the street. When you were chasing me on the street. You said how does it feel to be out of control, Elizabeth. Is that what you wanted. Like you had finally achieved some goal.  
Elizabeth: Is that what you wanted? Me out of control? Or did you want to be out of control? I was out of control. Out of your control. I was done with you. I saw you come in the room where the couple was fucking and all those men standing around watching them. And I saw you and I thought you want to see how it feels and I kissed that man standing next to me. That stranger. So you would see. See me kissing someone else. So let me ask you John how did that feel? Did it feel like I was out of control, out of your control. I hated that day. That whole day. The hotel. You touching her. The theater where we ended up. It made me sick. It all made me sick.  
John: I hated seeing you kiss him.  
Elizabeth: I hated seeing you kissing her. Touching her.  
John: I was wrong. I'm sorry. I came and got you and held you and you were crying. I knew I had gone too far. I worried but I thought we were going to be okay. I didn’t believe you would leave.  
Elizabeth: Excuse me. I'm going to be sick.  
Elizabeth puts her hand over her mouth and starts for the bathroom, but she begins retching. She vomits through her fingers before she reaches the bathroom door. John doesn't move. John hears her continuing to retch in the bathroom. He finally walks over to the bathroom, stepping around the mess on the floor, softly opens the door. She is sitting on the floor, her head on the side of the toilet. Crying. He takes a towel off the rack. Wets it with warm water, sits down next to her. Pulls her hair back. Begins slowly wiping her face. She hiccups.  
Elizabeth: Go away. Please.  
John: No.  
Elizabeth: Please.  
He puts his arms around her. Pulls her to him. She is stiff in his arms. They sit there on the floor of the bathroom.  
John: Relax against me.  
She finally relaxes in his arms. He strokes her hair.  
John: Don't leave.  
Elizabeth retches again. Over the bowl. Nothing left to vomit up. She flushes the toilet anyway. He hands her the towel.  
Elizabeth: I can't stop throwing-up.  
She wipes her face with the towel.  
John: We'll just sit here a little while. You’ll be okay  
Elizabeth: I'm not okay.  
She leans against him again.  
John: I’ll take care of you  
Elizabeth: John I am sitting here on the bathroom floor vomiting because of you. How can you say you will take care of me?  
He takes the towel back. Wipes her face again.  
John: Can you get up?  
Elizabeth: I can get up. I don't have a broken leg.  
John stands up, helps her up. Picks her up in his arms. Carries her in to the bedroom puts her down on the bed.  
John: I'm going to clean up. In there. You didn't quite make it to the bathroom in time.  
Elizabeth: I'll clean it up.  
John: I'll clean it up. Just stay here on the bed.

*

When he comes back she is dozing. He lies down next to her. Pushes her hair back.  
John: Better?  
Elizabeth: Better.  
John: Don't leave.  
Elizabeth: I have no where to go.  
John:You could go back to the hotel.  
Elizabeth: I could but there is no point in my leaving you. The only place I want to be is with you. ~~There is only you.~~  
John: That's right. There is only me.  
Elizabeth: When I left you years ago, I was sick and exhausted and in a sort of emotional wasteland. I thought I would never recover. I thought I was going to need a psych hospital.  
John: I wasn't in much better shape.  
Elizabeth: After a year or so I got angry. All I could think of was how dare you treat me that way. Then I reached a place where I knew it was my fault as much as yours. I gave control over to you. I blamed myself. I knew that I could have stood-up to you. Should have. I was afraid you'd leave me and I couldn't bear it. But I could have.  
John: And I threatened to leave you to control you but I wouldn't have left.  
Elizabeth: I knew at the end you didn't want to lose me but it felt too late.  
John: You were unwilling to try.  
Elizabeth: I couldn't.  
John: I tried to find out where you were. No one knew.  
Elizabeth: Molly knew. She always knew.  
John: She said she didn't know.  
Elizabeth: She told me you never asked her.  
John: She lied.  
Elizabeth: Apparently she lied to both of us. She disapproved of you. She wanted me to move on. And I did. I finished my Masters in Art History. Started teaching at the City College. Dated. Married. Had a son. But I never really got over you. I couldn't really forget you.  
John: You shouldn't have been able to forget me.  
Elizabeth: A few years ago, something made me start missing you again. Brought things back.  
John: What?  
Elizabeth: I taught a year long class on Renaissance artists. And one of the students was interested in Leda and the Swan and so I devoted a couple of classes just to Leda and the Swan. Leda in Renaissance art and linked her historically back to the Greeks.  
John: What does that have to do with me? Another Dali thing?  
Elisabeth: Shh. Just listen please. In the Renaissance there are paintings by Cezanne, by Rubens, by Tintoretto, something by Leonardo, Michelangelo. But historically there are dozens and dozens of things. There are sculptures, drawings, oils. It starts with Greeks. Leda on the oil lamps. There is a Leda on a fountain in Paris. I don't have my phone. Give me yours. I'll show you.  
John gets his phone out of his back pocket. Hands it to her. She sits up.  
Elizabeth: What is your password? Give it to me.  
John: I'll put it in.  
Elizabeth: I'll put it in. Just give it to me.  
John: Okay. It is 3 1 i z a 8 3 + 4   
Elizabeth: Okay.  
John: Was getting my phone password some kind of test?  
She ignores him.  
Elizabeth: See here look at these. This password reminds me of something.  
John smiles: What?  
Elizabeth: I don't know. It just looks familiar.  
John: It's just numbers and letters.  
Elizabeth: Look at these.  
John takes the phone. She lies back down next to him, her head close to his so they can look at the phone together.  
John: I like these. Renaissance porn. Pretty erotic.  
John: Look at this one. Igor Zeinalov. The swan is behind her. It reminds me of you over the table and me behind you the day we came up here.   
Elizabeth laughs: Funny you should say that. And earlier you said this would be my swan song.  
John: What do you mean?   
Elizabeth: When I was preparing for that class Leda and the swan I dreamed about the first day we spent together. We were walking together after lunch and you got in front of me and took out the shawl and then you walked around behind me and wrapped the shawl around me took me in your arms, but in the dream when you got behind me you turned into a swan. And in the dream instead of wrapping me in the shawl in your arms, your arms and the shawl turned into wings, big white wings, swan wings, and you wrapped me in your wings because you had turned into a swan and then instead of nuzzling me you bit me on the nape of the neck with your beak.  
John: With my beak?  
Elizabeth: The dream stayed with me. I would think of it at odd times. Of you tuning into a swan. I could feel the wings around me. I thought it was because of the research I was doing. There is a poem by Yeats. A sonnet. Here give me the phone again. John, what is that password again?  
John: 31iza83+4  
Elizabeth: Is that my name?  
John: No just random letters and numbers.  
Elizabeth: John, I'm art teacher. I recognize patterns. That says Elizabeth. It's my name.  
John: What arrogance. You think I would use your name as my password. Hardly.  
Elizabeth: You did.  
John laughs: You're too smart for me. I'd kiss you but you have vomit breath.  
Elizabeth covers her mouth.  
Elizabeth: Sorry.  
She sits up again and takes the phone again and finds the Yeats poem.

  
She reads:  
 _A sudden blow: the great wings beating still/em >  
Above the staggering girl, her thighs caressed  
By the dark webs, her nape caught in his bill,  
He holds her helpless breast upon his breast.  
  
How can those terrified vague fingers push  
The feathered glory from her loosening thighs?_  
 _And how can body, laid in that white rush,  
But feel the strange heart beating where it lies?  
  
A shudder in the loins engenders there  
The broken wall, the burning roof and tower  
And Agamemnon dead.  
Being so caught up,  
So mastered by the brute blood of the air,  
Did she put on his knowledge with his power  
Before the indifferent beak could let her drop? __  
_  
John: I like some of it. Don't understand some of it. I like her thighs caressed by the dark webs, her nape caught in his bill. Feather glory and loosening thighs. Shudder in the loins. _  
_

Elizabeth: Before the indifferent beak lets her drop.  
John: My beak was not indifferent. I wouldn't let you drop.  
Elizabeth: I thought you would.  
John: You thought I ravished you and didn't care.  
Elizabeth: After that all the swan pictures made me think of you. You were the swan. And you had wrapped me in your wings.   
John: My wings. A swan. Did I have sex with you as a swan.  
Elizabeth: No not in the dream but then when I looked at the swan paintings, drawings, sculptures I saw us. You were the swan I was Leda.  
John: Give me back the phone. I want to look at the pictures again.   
She hands him the phone.  
John: So I am your swan.  
Elizabeth: You are my swan.  
John: You should marry me.  
Elizabeth: Why? Because you are my swan? Mortals can't marry gods. I can't marry you. I am a mortal Leda was a mortal, the swan was a god and you are a god.  
John: I’m hardly a god. Wait. They can. After her trials, Psyche married Eros, you told me.  
Elizabeth: Well Leda didn’t marry the swan.  
John: Then sometimes I’ll be your swan, but we can be Psyche and Eros too. You said we were. You thought of us that way. You’ve been through trials, I have awakened you from your sleep with my kisses. Like sleeping beauty. And you have always been the most beautiful woman in the world.  
Elizabeth: Maybe I was. To you. Then.  
John: You were to me. You are to me. Will you marry me. You should marry me. Will you marry me?  
Elizabeth: I guess.  
John: You guess? Say yes or I am pushing you off this bed.  
He starts pushing her off the bed.  
Elizabeth: John stop it. I'll fall. I could get hurt.  
John: Say yes.  
Elizabeth: I said okay.  
John: Say yes or you are going over the side.  
Elizabeth: Stop it.  
He pushes her closer to the edge.  
Elizabeth: Okay. Yes. Yes. Okay. Now stop it.   
John: You need a shower and then I want to go for a ride. The rain stopped a while ago. Skies are clear. It'll be nice.  
Elizabeth: Yeah. I probably do need a shower.  
John: And wash your hair.  
Elizabeth: A ride on the motorcycle?  
John: A package came, I think it is your jacket and there is also a box with boots. They are in on the table. Get up, go look at your jacket. We'll watch the sunset at Silver Point then go up and have a glass of wine with Henry and get some dinner.  
Elizabeth gets off the bed goes in the living room to the table. Opens the package.   
Elizabeth: This isn't a jacket I ordered.  
She looks at the packing slip.  
Elizabeth: John I can't afford this. Where did this come from. They must have gotten the orders confused. I ordered a different jacket. Wait. Your name is on here.   
John: I might have just upgraded the jacket a little.  
Elizabeth: And you bought me boots.  
John: Yes boots; they have stars on the side.  
John: John you can't do this.   
John: A tiny change in the jacket order and some good boots for being on the bike. It was a safety issue.  
Elizabeth: You're starting to take over my life.  
John: You can say no. You can ask me to leave. You can send the jacket and the boots back. Isn't it your job to say no to me?  
Elizabeth: Leave.  
John: It's my house. I'm not leaving.  
Elizabeth: You said I could ask you to leave.  
John: I said you could ask me I didn't say I'd leave.  
Elizabeth: A shearling motorcycle jacket. It's the nicest jacket I've ever had. I've always wanted Frye boots. I never got around to buying them. When I was in college, one of my instructors wore them. I was always envious. Thank you for the jacket and the boots. You do take good care of me.   
John: Get your shower. And brush your teeth. And get dressed. I want to see you in your new jacket. And your boots.  
Elizabeth: You are not going to change are you?   
John: I'm going to keep you this time. I am not going to do anything that will make you leave me. And you have changed. You are going to say no to me. Whenever you want to. And I am not going to threaten you.   
Elizabeth: Never.   
John: Never. 

****

p>They are at Silver Point watching the sun set. Elizabeth is sitting on the motorcycle. John standing near by.

A car pulls in. It is Officer Perkins again.

Officer Perkins: Good evening. I thought that was your bike.

John: Evening officer.

Officer Perkins: You headed home or up to Henry's?

John: We're headed up to Henry's. Gonna have a glass of wine and some dinner. 

John: I thought you were gonna come by and take the bike out. 

Officer Perkins: Yeah I hope to. My mother's been sick. Some kind of a flu. They put her in the hospital. 

John: Sorry to hear that.

Officer Perkins: She pulled through . She's getting out tomorrow. Gotta hit the road. Just thought I recognized the bike and thought I'd stop by and say hello.

John: Thanks. Good to see you again. Look forward to hearing from you.

Officer Perkins: Yeah. Thanks. Ma'am. Good evening.

He leaves.

Elizabeth: I don't know how you do it. The ~~god of~~ charm. You are so polite and you have that enigmatic smile.

John: Come on. Let's go. Silver Point is closed after dark.

*

They pull into The Fish Shack. Most tables are taken. 

They find an empty table, Elizabeth sits down.

John:I'll go get some wine and tell Henry we are here. 

John comes back with a bottle of Sauvignon blanc and two glasses . 

Henry follows John out. He has his own glass. He sits down with them.

Henry: Nice jacket. He get that for you?

Elizabeth: He did. He was always good at getting me gifts.  
Henry: So John says you have something to tell me.  
Elizabeth: You were right Henry. He reeled me in.  
Henry: He did huh. You gonna manage this boy now. Keep him out of trouble.  
Elizabeth: I'm gonna try.  
Henry takes her hands. Looks at them. I don't see no ring on these fingers. How can a man ask a woman to marry him and not give her no ring. What's wrong with you boy?  
John: It was sudden she caught me off guard. She was saying all kind of sweet things to me and I just got carried away.  
Elizabeth: You can take it back if you want. No ring yet.  
John: I don't need to take it back. And there is no way you are getting out of it now. You said yes. I'll get you a ring. A nice ring. Whatever you want.  
Elizabeth: I said I guess so. I said okay.  
Henry: Well that is real good news. Listen I was just on my way out to pick up a couple of things. Got a kid in there I'm training. I need to be gone about 30 minutes. Can you wait. I'll have a little time when I get back

John: Sure we'll wait.  
Henry goes back in the kitchen then goes out to his truck, waves and drives off.

John picks up their fish and chips and they eat slowly. John stops after one glass of wine.

Elisabeth: You are stopping.

John: I don't ride after more than a drink or two. I'll have another glass when Henry gets back. Maybe some when we go home.

Henry comes back. Waves. Motions John to come back to the kitchen.

Henry and John come back out together. Henry has a bottle of champagne. Three more glasses. He pours, toasts them. 

John: Henry, I'm gonna need a best man. Would you do that for me?

Henry: Of course I will. You probably couldn't get no one else anyway. You ain't never had any real friends but me. And maybe my brother. God rest his soul. 

John: Thank you Henry. 

John: I just asked her this afternoon. We'll I asked her before but she said no before.

John gets up from the table.

John: Elizabeth would you get up please.

Elizabeth: Why?

John: Just get up. Do what I tell you please.

Elizabeth gets up.

John: Now sit here facing me.

Elizabeth sits on the bench facing him.

Elizabeth: Stop ordering me around.

John gets down on one knee. The patio slowly gets quiet. Diners pause. Watch John.

John: Elizabeth, will you please marry me?

He takes a small red velvet box out of his pocket and opens it. Offers it to her.It is a gold Georgian ring. A garnet at the center. The gold shaped into the outline of flower petals around the stone.

Elizabeth: John, it’s beautiful where did you get it. I told you yes.

John: Say it.

Elizabeth: Yes.

John: Here put it on. 

He slides the ring on her finger. The patio applauds.

Elizabeth admires the ring. 

Elizabeth: It looks like an antique.

John: It was Henry's mother's. She got it from her mother who got it from her mother who got it from her mother who got it from her mother, maybe even a mother before that. How the grandmother came into possession of it is a little muddy. Some in the family say it was given to her, others say she appropriated it. A kind of early reparation. That early grandmother was a slave in Mississippi. Let Henry tell you his family story someday.

Elizabeth: Thank you Henry. Don't you have someone in the family who will want this. 

Henry: John is like a brother to me. My son was killed in Afghanistan. My brother is dead. His son doesn’t want it. I want you to have it Elizabeth. I am honored that John wanted it for you. He could go on down to New York and by anything he wants down there at some place like that Tiffany’s.

John: I didn't ask. Henry offered. But I know the ring. Often admired it on his mother's hand.

Elizabeth kisses Henry. 

Elizabeth: Thank you Henry. It means the world to me.

Henry: To me too Miss Elizabeth, to me too. 

Henry: Your kids know John?

John: You are the first person we've told. We are figuring out how to tell the kids. In person, or by phone. Elizabeth's son's in China. Ray is still on that Indian Reservation. Sarah is in Paris. 

Henry: When you gonna do it?

John: I asked her about four hours ago. We decided to watch the sun set at the point and drive up here and tell you. We have to do the planning yet.

Henry: Well you did the right thing coming up to tell me. I knew you needed this girl. You been needing her since you lost her the first time.

John: I have.

*

They are back at the beach house. In bed.

John: I have liked being your spider and your octopus, but tonight I am going to be your swan.

Elizabeth: I have been waiting for you to be my swan. I won't push your feathered glory from my loosening thighs. I will lie in your white rush and feel your strange heart beating. 

John: I have a strange heart?

Elizabeth: Yes, John, you have a strange heart.


	63. Sunday September 28: Honeymoon plans

Elizabeth: Ask me again if I could live here?  
John: Could you live here?  
Elizabeth: Yes. Could we try to uncover the fireplace in your room?  
John: Yes. Our room. You mean our room.

*

John: I am planning a trip. To see the children. And the art. We are going to look at your artworks wherever they are. Leda, Eros and Psyche and your Dalí’s. We will go to Paris to see my daughter, China to see your son, then to see my son on his damned reservation. Then back here. I’ll have the fireplace done while we are traveling. If it is not too late in the year. We might have to wait til spring. Then our wedding. In the spring. At the women’s pavilion.   
Elizabeth: Do you care what I feel about it?  
John: Of course. I know already that you like the plan. We will be back from the trip for Christmas. Plenty of time to plan the wedding. Christmas Day here and I’ll take you to the hot springs.  
Elizabeth: What if there is a snow storm?  
John: We won’t take the motorcycle. We’ll take the jeep and snowshoes.

The End.


End file.
